Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Can I make it better with the lights turned on?

So this is it. In 40 minutes or so, I'll be taking my last final at UCSB. I have hardly studied for it. Maybe given it a half hour of serious thought. Well, then. It's just up to God now. I'm a little anxious that I'll completely fudge it up, that the essays will be completely obscure questions that I can't bullshit through. No. It's gonna be fine. It has to be. It's the last one. I have to write these two essays like my life depended on it. Lord, please bring me to a place where I can reiterate all that needs to be said in order to be successful in this exam. Take it from here. Thank you. Amen.


Then: subleasing, packing packing packing packing. Home.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sometimes I can't believe it. I'm movin past the feelin' again.

Instead of starting off by giving some sorry excuse for why I haven't posted anything, I'll just save it. I'll just write. The recap will come naturally.


I have 10 days left before I'm officially done with my undergraduate career. I mean, technically, I have another class to take for 6 weeks in June. But that's just one class. I'll already have walked with the rest of my graduating class. I can't believe it. 4 years. I remember just starting college thinking, wow, I cannot believe I'm going to a junior college, I've let myself down. And now, I'm graduating from a 4 year university. On time. I didn't let myself down. I think that's what I was worried about. That I'd turn into everyone else. I really don't know anyone else who started off at a junior college in Orange County and graduated on time. (I guess this is just me shamelessly giving props to myself?) The thing is, a sociology degree isn't going to get me far. But man, was it great. I LOVED all my classes. Deviant Behavior, Global Conflicts, Sex Love and God, Social Change in Latin America, Mead's Pragmatism, Studying People, Sociology of Family, Revolutions and Social Movements in Latin America. I've had a strange emphasis on Latin America. One day, I'll figure out why that is. I'm seriously going to miss the material I learned in all those classes. For my Global Conflicts midterm, I had to come up with a resolution to Israel and Palestine. That was the best assignment I've ever had. In Studying People, I had the chance to people watch at my favorite coffee shop, that I practically lived at. I mean, it's been work. But it's been so enjoyable at the same time.

And my house. Oh, my house. How homey it truly feels. I will definitely miss that big, big house with all my housemates and all the love they poured out onto me. Always. Now if only I could find a subleaser for the summer. That'd be GREAT. But really, I can't believe I survived living with 10 girls. For almost 10 months. Wow. I mean, I know I've spent a lot of weekends away. Maybe that's what saved me. But it was so good for me, regardless. It was so, so good for me. I'll miss that.

Finding out my mom has cancer again was a low blow. I never, ever, ever thought that would happen. Again. In her liver. And bones. She's too weak for it. Her spirit is strong, her mind is strong. Her body, I just don't know. She's 55 turning 56 in July. She's the strongest person I've ever met. Over any man or woman. She truly is a tough, tough person. I just, there's something really heartbreaking about this. It's like we all know that she's much older now and no one will ever say it out loud. Not one of my family members will want to think anything bad. We can't. My dad won't let us. We have to be positive, at all costs. For her minds sake. He's doing a great job. No longer does he resent her like he did. When he'd be bitter towards her for her unreasonable facebook addiction. It's not like that anymore. Maaneli thinks he's really scared this time. I think we all are. She's taking darvocet for her back pain. And she's looooving it. She knows she's addicted. We talked about it. It was kind of a joke. I asked her, what about when she gets immune to it? She knows what will happen. She talked about weed. I cannot even believe that's something she and my dad are seriously considering. Last time, that wasn't at all an idea. She hated taking oxycontin for pete's sake. I've come home this weekend to spend time with her. I know I'm moving home for good in 10 days, but it doesn't matter. Last night, I laid in bed with her as she was falling asleep. I just listened to her breathe. She grabbed my wrist and just held it there. She was so peaceful. Then she started snoring and I laughed. I left her alone. When I got into my own bed, I just broke down in tears. I haven't cried for her since I first found out. She still has her hair. I think when that changes, when she starts feeling the effects of the chemo or cucumber, as she calls it, that's when it'll feel more real. To all of us.

When I was at Real Life two weeks ago, the minister Brit spoke. He spoke of his daughters cancer. And how he had to tell God that no matter what, he understood that his love for God was more than his love for his daughters. That sometimes, God allows for these things to happen to test us so that we can show Him that he's more important. I found it really ironic that I was there, listening to that. I hadn't been in church in months. I'm not sure if I'm ready for something that heavy. I know it's not up to me to think I'm ready or not. If He thinks I'm ready, I must be. I just can't understand right now. I don't think I'm spiritually strong enough. I really have no idea.

All I know is that when I started college, I had just found out my mom was sick. Now, as I'm ending college, it's the same. I'm so glad to be able to be here for her. If I had gone away sooner or later, who knows what could have happened.

Regardless, this is only just the beginning of it all. I know there are great things ahead. Nyrie blesses me always. My relationships with Maaneli and Mandana have matured exponentially and they're my greatest, best friends. Lilo is still, sweet sweet Lilo. I might have a job when I get home. Hot yoga. All things Mike. I get to play around in my room and make it mine again. I'll be a college graduate. The world will be at my front door.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Well, they'll stone you when you're tryin' to be so good.

This is ridiculous. 4 months? Actually, it makes sense. Winter Break. Winter Quarter. 5 classes. Understood. Ironically, I have one final left and here I am, typing away. Knowing I should really be memorizing Mead's Pragmatism theories. You know, how science and technology will save the world! I totally agree. Mostly. There's the whole idealism sitch, where he likes to knock Christianity, which actually, that happens a lot just in life, so I don't know why I'd expect anything less. Well, apparently, I just really wanted to use my blog to talk about a completely arbitrary topic. That just tells me that I'm really subconsciously trying to use this as a study tool. Maybe I should? Anyways. The weather has been really beautiful. Just so perfect. If this is how it was in Santa Barbara always, well, I don't know if I'd really want to leave. That's a dramatization, actually. I don't think I could really stay for much longer, even if the weather was perfect. There's no Lilo here. Okay this has been great.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

You once showed much promise.

I won't give more.

We just want more.
I won't give more.
We just want more.
I won't give more.
We just want more.
I won't give more.
We just want more.
I won't give more.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Shwoop.

I think girls are very interesting. Just too weird. I don't get it. Hm.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Tiword.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. So tired. Daniel was right, it is like I just have roommates and not friends. I mean, he didn't put it that way. But still, it does seem like it at times. Like tonight. I just want it to be Thanksgiving already. I need this Black Studies paper to write itself. The History 8 paper needs to write itself too. Also if those Geography 148 projects could be completed, I'd be totally okay with that too. At least I just have 4 weeks left in this quarter. My, how fall quarter flies. But when I do go home, what am I even gonna do with myself? Is it even going to feel like home? It hasn't lately at all. I just don't really know. That's okay. God will get me through this.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My mother is an atheist, if I stay out late she won't get pissed.

So what is it? Is it because my parents hardly talk to me anymore? And then when I call them out on it, it's "We just don't know when to call, you're so busy...". Or is it because I wanted that last year and now that it's happening, I don't want it. Or maybe it's the fact that I always call them and when I do, it's like pulling teeth, like I'm the mom, like it's a chore to talk to me. Or maybe it's because they're pulling away and I know when I go home, it's going to get turned around on me and it'll be because I'm Christian, because I have this new family and I'm the one that is falling out. Maybe it's because it's always that tone she gets. Always so bitter and hard. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel so useless at Sarah House, unsure of how to reach out to these older, sick people, who don't want to talk. Especially since Margaret's attitude is so much more fake and I can't be that. Or maybe it's because I'm doing the whole self pity thing. Or it could be because everyone else in this home seems to have wonderful relationships with their families, who send them random gift bags and postcards just cause. I just think that it's crazy that God provided this home for me, this place full of love and people who care. If I didn't have this right now, I'd be the loneliest girl on the planet. My parents have just let go. Which is what I wanted. But I want them to be involved. I want them to be happy to talk to me. I don't want to always have to be the one that calls, that puts on a fake happy voice when I can tell there's resistance. I just need to keep praying and praying and praying. I can't let these thoughts take over me. I can't think of how it's going to be when I go home. When I'll be thinking of how uncomfortable I am, how they'll think I'm pushing away, that I'm the one that wants to be with people that are Christian. If it weren't for these girls, showing me His love right now, where would I even be? I'd be clinging to my parents who don't give a shit about me. Or maybe they'd be babying me and I'd have absolutely no real sense of truth. I don't know. I don't know what I need right now. I just want to sit and cry and not move and take my hair down and cry and sing maybe and then just wake up to tomorrow, so that I'm one step closer to the weekend. Why am I dreading tonight so much? Why do I feel so insufficient? I know what I have to do, the person I'm supposed to be and right now it's just a little hard to swallow? No, it shouldn't be that way. Get out of this. Now.