So this is it. In 40 minutes or so, I'll be taking my last final at UCSB. I have hardly studied for it. Maybe given it a half hour of serious thought. Well, then. It's just up to God now. I'm a little anxious that I'll completely fudge it up, that the essays will be completely obscure questions that I can't bullshit through. No. It's gonna be fine. It has to be. It's the last one. I have to write these two essays like my life depended on it. Lord, please bring me to a place where I can reiterate all that needs to be said in order to be successful in this exam. Take it from here. Thank you. Amen.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Can I make it better with the lights turned on?
Posted by MDC at 11:09 AM 0 comments
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sometimes I can't believe it. I'm movin past the feelin' again.
Instead of starting off by giving some sorry excuse for why I haven't posted anything, I'll just save it. I'll just write. The recap will come naturally.
Posted by MDC at 10:52 PM 0 comments
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Well, they'll stone you when you're tryin' to be so good.
This is ridiculous. 4 months? Actually, it makes sense. Winter Break. Winter Quarter. 5 classes. Understood. Ironically, I have one final left and here I am, typing away. Knowing I should really be memorizing Mead's Pragmatism theories. You know, how science and technology will save the world! I totally agree. Mostly. There's the whole idealism sitch, where he likes to knock Christianity, which actually, that happens a lot just in life, so I don't know why I'd expect anything less. Well, apparently, I just really wanted to use my blog to talk about a completely arbitrary topic. That just tells me that I'm really subconsciously trying to use this as a study tool. Maybe I should? Anyways. The weather has been really beautiful. Just so perfect. If this is how it was in Santa Barbara always, well, I don't know if I'd really want to leave. That's a dramatization, actually. I don't think I could really stay for much longer, even if the weather was perfect. There's no Lilo here. Okay this has been great.
Posted by MDC at 7:10 PM 0 comments
Saturday, November 28, 2009
You once showed much promise.
I won't give more.
Posted by MDC at 3:28 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Shwoop.
I think girls are very interesting. Just too weird. I don't get it. Hm.
Posted by MDC at 10:01 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tiword.
I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. So tired. Daniel was right, it is like I just have roommates and not friends. I mean, he didn't put it that way. But still, it does seem like it at times. Like tonight. I just want it to be Thanksgiving already. I need this Black Studies paper to write itself. The History 8 paper needs to write itself too. Also if those Geography 148 projects could be completed, I'd be totally okay with that too. At least I just have 4 weeks left in this quarter. My, how fall quarter flies. But when I do go home, what am I even gonna do with myself? Is it even going to feel like home? It hasn't lately at all. I just don't really know. That's okay. God will get me through this.
Posted by MDC at 7:23 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My mother is an atheist, if I stay out late she won't get pissed.
So what is it? Is it because my parents hardly talk to me anymore? And then when I call them out on it, it's "We just don't know when to call, you're so busy...". Or is it because I wanted that last year and now that it's happening, I don't want it. Or maybe it's the fact that I always call them and when I do, it's like pulling teeth, like I'm the mom, like it's a chore to talk to me. Or maybe it's because they're pulling away and I know when I go home, it's going to get turned around on me and it'll be because I'm Christian, because I have this new family and I'm the one that is falling out. Maybe it's because it's always that tone she gets. Always so bitter and hard. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel so useless at Sarah House, unsure of how to reach out to these older, sick people, who don't want to talk. Especially since Margaret's attitude is so much more fake and I can't be that. Or maybe it's because I'm doing the whole self pity thing. Or it could be because everyone else in this home seems to have wonderful relationships with their families, who send them random gift bags and postcards just cause. I just think that it's crazy that God provided this home for me, this place full of love and people who care. If I didn't have this right now, I'd be the loneliest girl on the planet. My parents have just let go. Which is what I wanted. But I want them to be involved. I want them to be happy to talk to me. I don't want to always have to be the one that calls, that puts on a fake happy voice when I can tell there's resistance. I just need to keep praying and praying and praying. I can't let these thoughts take over me. I can't think of how it's going to be when I go home. When I'll be thinking of how uncomfortable I am, how they'll think I'm pushing away, that I'm the one that wants to be with people that are Christian. If it weren't for these girls, showing me His love right now, where would I even be? I'd be clinging to my parents who don't give a shit about me. Or maybe they'd be babying me and I'd have absolutely no real sense of truth. I don't know. I don't know what I need right now. I just want to sit and cry and not move and take my hair down and cry and sing maybe and then just wake up to tomorrow, so that I'm one step closer to the weekend. Why am I dreading tonight so much? Why do I feel so insufficient? I know what I have to do, the person I'm supposed to be and right now it's just a little hard to swallow? No, it shouldn't be that way. Get out of this. Now.
Posted by MDC at 3:25 PM 0 comments