Welcome.

I got tired of that and this is new.

Hello and goodnight.

Awesome.

So I can hear the guys talking downstairs:

"I just wanna take a survey on how many guys had girls before they got out here and how many broke up with them already.."

"It's like, most of us don't even care to break up cause it just don't even matter."

"It's so funny man.. all guys play their chicks man... It's like they're NEVER gonna know, how could they?!"

(Then this one went on talking about fearing when his girlfriend came over and something else about taking 2 showers before she walked in? Nice.)

Sometimes, I get really angry at people.

Other times, I just feel really happy to be able to catch stupid people talk for my amusement purposes. 

Dead man's toe!

It feels like the longest week ever. Honestly, shouldn't tomorrow be Friday? I really abhor my downstairs neighbors. Besides the fact that they're imbeciles, create unnecessary noises and get drunk much too often, one of them has decided to drown himself in some putrid cologne this evening (I know this because I'm so lightheaded from it that I'm surprised I haven't passed out cold yet). I'm a fan of good smelling cologne, in fact, I usually like enjoy it thoroughly when used SPARINGLY. 

Anyway, I'm so glad midterms are over and done. I'm not utterly exhausted but in other ways, I'm pretty zonked. I just want to open a bottle of wine and drink til I'm purple in the eyeballs. This clearly won't be happening because a) it would involve too much work, b) dying from alcohol poisoning means not going to work tomorrow which is clearly unacceptable, and c) I personally enjoy wine with food and conversation, one of which I'm lacking.

Well, tomorrow's Thursday... Jenny Lewis?

Halloween is really undecided for me at the moment. 

Real Life dance party? Westmont? Home?

What will be the outcome!

Can't we end this fashionably?

I'm SICK. 

This is NO GOOD.

Sits like a man but he smiles like a reptile.

This whole allergy to nickel is REALLY not cool.

I wish I could wear all kinds of fake jewelry like the rest of the world.

My skin does not like silver, fake silver or anything that is not gold.

She (my skin) will react violently in a rash of itchy bumps that ITCH SO BAD.

We're talking: neck or ears or fingers or chest. 

You'd think I would understand and not put myself through this.

You see, sometimes I think I can trick my skin and let it believe that if I wear something for a short amount of time, it won't know what touched it and I can be rash free.

At times this works.

Most other times, it definitely doesn't work.

I just chance it.

Today, I itch.

Cutthroat! I love it.

Well, I came home early...

I had a crazy night last night, after Real Life.

"Are you ok?"

"No... my girlfriend just died and I was about to propose..."

Uhhhhhh yeah.

Anyway, long night.

I didn't get much sleep.

Woke up with a headache cold pressure thing.

Felt sick.

Missed my first class.

Called in sick to work.

Drove home with Andy and Clay.

Took sooooo long, like 5 hours. Traffic.

Now, with a tummy full of home cooked food, a Lilo girl arm rest and the Sex and the City movie on, I just can't say much about my swollen throat, fever and pulsing temple. 

Watched the dying day blushing in the sky.

Right now I'm in one of those moods where I just want to strictly listen to music and do NOTHING else. 

Tomorrow is Thursday.

I think Thursdays are my favorite days.

Yes, they are.

I mean, as for the weekdays go.

Work, lunch, school, break/dinner, hangout, Real Life. 

SIDE NOTE****On the last day of the retreat, we were all sitting in this children's playroom/theater (that was equipped with a giant tree house furnished from a real tree trunk, foosball table and hotdog stand... I probably could just never leave) and people volunteered to talk about their weekends. It would mostly be like, "I'm so glad I came here, everyone is awesome" or "This weekend was so good" Well, there was this freshman kid that stood up and was talking about coming to college and not wanting to change himself to be like everyone else. He wanted to just be himself, be Christian and just live his life. And he was really thankful for meeting everyone. He started getting really teary eyed and said, "I mean, this group is so great. Everyone's really honest and close and open with each other. I don't know, it's ... just so ... real, it's like REAL LIFE!!" Of course, we all laughed simultaneously at this. I guess you had to be there, but there was not one person in the room without a smile on.****

It's become my favorite of the routines I take part of.

Tomorrow, during my lunch, school bit: Rob Schneider will be here.

Talking about props and such.

There is a rumor that my school has gotten the most people to sign up for voting.

Out of all UC's? 

I think this is cool, you know?

It's great for this school to be THIS active in something besides partying.

There is another rumor that if we get to a certain number of sign ups,

Death Cab will perform?

Yeeeahhaa.

Oh I hooooope so. It's always such a treat to see Mr. Gibbard. 

I mean, I know we got Lupe Fiasco signed up and all but 

a) that's actually a paid event and b) it is rather unfair for the Associated Students to assume we all enjoy his music to the same degree, or even enjoy his music at all.

I'm just sayin', variety in music choices should always be considered.

I know, I work for the A.S. but I'm just a measly receptionist for administration.

Hm... I'll look into the programs board, eventually.

But, back to Thursdays being my favorite.

It really works out cause Monday through Wednesday pass by at a reasonably medium-fast pace.

Then Thursday just fliiiiies then Friday is at my feet and it's weekend!

This weekend will be good, I hope.

I get to see my family and show them love. Study. And love love love.

Welllll, I just had this greaaaaatly long conversation with Daniel.

It was so good. 

I know he hates phone conversations but I hope I'm beginning to change his mind.

I find conversation so calming and necessary.

Regardless of the medium they are expressed.

Maybe I like hearing myself talk?

No, communication is key to each and every relationship.

Somebody is smoking a cigarette outside.

It's slightly infiltrating my bedroom, but I don't really mind it, oddly enough.

Okay well I'm done here.

PS, yesterday was a sad day for Elliott Smith...

I think Oh Well, Okay is probably one of my favorites, although it's hard to choose.

I will listen to this now.

BUT today, is the celebration of Maaneli's birth! She's sooooo old. 28.

Now I'm done.

For Diana.

Because of the French.

Because we're both sappy.

Because you'd appreciate it.

And I miss you friend.

High hopes.

It's really interesting to see how absolutely sad, clueless and lost some people are. 

How long will it take until you stop whoring yourself out? What will it take for you to stop waking up wanting to be high? When are you going to stop destroying yourself? Who really even knows you or your heart?I guess at this age, it's completely passed off as okay because it's youth, it's college, it's my parents don't care... wait, they never did. It absolutely breaks my heart. Maybe because there was a really low point in my life where I was that girl getting high every day. I was that girl who chose to be numb to everything real. I was that girl who knew she was making gigantic mistakes, who found it painful to look at her own reflection because it's too unfamiliar, ugly and disappointing. So when I see people who I have known, or might not even really know, who are completely buried in guilt, especially when they put on a facade, I feel for em, ya know? This isn't at all about me. Or self pity. Did I just make it go in that direction? Okay, I'm just saying, I know what it's like. And this is my way to express frustration and also distract myself from homework. Okay, well. My heart is really tender these days so it's just swollen emotionally, resulting in observations such as these. Thanks for the outlet blogger. 

Ahhhhhh.

This weekend was absolutely wonderful. I just feel like my heart is being tugged at, kind of like when you start feeling emotional a little bit? But not like I'm going to cry, if anything, it's as if I'm just going to implode with exhilaration. What they say, yeah, it's all true. 

And I stand here with my aaaarms up!

I mean, I don't know why this makes me laugh so hard.

But it does.

Well, I'm outta here.

I'm just a happy ball of bouncy giggles today.

:)

Serenade No. 13 in G Major.

I seriously CERIALLLYYY miss piano.

I will play again one day. I just HAVE to.

I have now decided to play Beethoven while I sleep to filter out Thursday evening noises.

Tonight was so good that I can't even talk about it.

What do you know about duck people?

Currently: I'm tired.

Yesterday was long!

Stayed up late writing an essay that is still not complete to 1500. 

Luckily, it's due Monday at 330pm.

I'm trying to not let it bother me that Heather leaves dishes (some of which are of mine that she assumes are okay to use) in the sink and then goes home over the weekend.

Noooooope it's not a big deal.

I like my job! 

I saw the shortest of almost non existent booty shorts today.

The poor girl.

I knew how self conscious she was by the way she kept tugging at them.

Why even do that to yourself?

I think I'll nap now.

My God in heaven, what were we thinking?

It's freeeeezing in my room!

I can't say that I hate it, however.

I also told myself I would be exercising at some point today/tonight.

Well, now it's tonight and I can't seem to get myself to walk out of my room.

Let alone, 20 minutes to the gym.

In the dark... surrounded by lurking yahoos and those sorts. 

Ah, I hate this indecisive mind game.

I should really have somebody donate me one of those folding work out contraptions.

I'm not interested in buying or stealing, so clearly, donations are in my favor here.

ASdljlkjasdklj.

What is with this society and being so obsessed with fitness?

I'm all for good health.

But really, it's not even about that anymore.

It's much more deep rooted, egotistical, sick and well, sad.

I've been around people who are just so into themselves that I can't help but laugh at them.

Then feel bad.

As for me, I have been in the habit of at least 40 minutes of rigorous aerobic workouts, 4-5 days a week, for the past two years.

When I start skipping, my equilibrium gets all jammed.

And I begin to do feel mentally unstable in certain aspects.

It's really strange.

It's like, I keep insecurities hidden and calm when I'm on schedule.

Once I start slacking off, something begins to eat at me.

It's terrible.

And it's because of this that I have to keep up with fitness, so my mind has nothing to pick a part.

What's that about?

That is madness and absolutely tiring.

Every now and then, especially recently, I've been able to comfort myself 

and tell myself certain things to excuse my lack of motivation.

But why do I even have to do that, to make myself "okay" with not being active?

The mere fact that I even have this as a priority, to just say, well, I like to be healthy, it makes me feel good, should be enough.

Well, it's true, I like being healthy and it makes me feel amazing to push myself. 

But isn't that just scratching the surface?

I'm not saying I have an eating disorder, I mean, that ship sailed about 3 years ago.

And that wasn't exactly a full blown deal and I'm not getting into that now.

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with all of this.

I know that I love working out because I have a lot of energy that needs to be released actively.

But I also know that I shouldn't mentally impair myself if I don't get around to it.

Why is it that diets and ways to keep fit are constantly thrown in our faces?

Why is being skinny such a beautified image?

Who is it for anyway?

Don't men like women that look like... women? Instead of skeleton little boys?

Don't they, them people, know that they are damaging hundreds of women like me?

What ever happened to curvy, womanly shapes that most of us actually have to offer?

What ever happened to beauty in natural, God given form?

I guess, I blame myself for buying into it all.

For comparing, for holding onto past hurts, for allowing it to infiltrate my psyche to this day.

My mother, sister and dad had all once told me that I needed to lose weight, as a little girl.

Would try to come up with suggestions and encourage me to take interest in exercise.

Mandana never once took a part of it and I'll always remember that.

I know it was all meant for my own good to set the foundations of healthy living.

But it didn't work and actually just upset me a great deal.

Especially because of the insulting ways in which my mother would go about it.

Nobody can make me do anything, I've learned.

So when I started college, I desired it without anyone's influence.

This is all too familiar...

Well, anyway, this is getting much too... much.

I just hope that one of these days, I will feel secure enough.

And I know I'm not alone.

Every single other female that I know is insecure to some degree.

I just know that when I have children, if I get blessed with a daughter, or even a son, I will do everything in my power to build up their self images.

They won't even know what the concept of insecurity means!

I realize this may be shooting for the moon, but hey, that's just what it's going to take.

Rant.

I mean, do you really need to lock your door every single time you walk out, even if its just to your car or to the shower or to take out the trash? I guess I look like a stealer. I'm not complaining about my missing scarf, am I? Well, now. 

The longest shadows ever cast.

There really is too much to do.

And not enough sleep.

I'm really tired this morning.

My eyes are on FIRE.

I'm just not sure how I can fit everything in that I have to do

in combination with everything that I want to do.

I think I'm going to cut back on the wants this week.

And last night was funny.

I have to get to class. 

Mine is an act of love.

I am tired. It's been a long day. This is what I feel like doing: Laying in bed, with cold sheets, some ice cream close at hand, watching St. Elmo's Fire. And then sleep. Why that movie? Simply because it's comforting, cheesy and familiar. I could also do Hocus Pocus or The Big Lebowski. 

This is when I begin to miss Daniel and Lilo because one of the two would be perfect additions to this scenario. 

But, it's quite alright, now iiin't it? 

:)

Tuka!

I've decided my Indian Cinemas professor is a cool guy.

I mean, not only cause everything he says sounds better.

But because, he just articulates his words in really graceful ways.

I like that.

Today, we watched this film called Sant Tukaram.

Made in 1936, this black and white film didn't start off good.

I think it's because I slept late last night then I did the following:

-set my alarm for much too early

-hit snooze twice

-reset my alarm

-woke up annoyed and tired 

-then went running, as if I had all this spare energy

Why did I choose to do this? I guess I like to make things harder on myself?

After running I had some reading to do

so of course, I was basically sleeping-while-reading tired, you know?

Alright, so the point is, by the time I'm ready to watch this film,

I'm already fighting the weighted eyelid dilemma.

I basically close my eyes for the first 10 minutes,

(I justify this as okay because the subtitles on this reel were lacking for some reason)

Finally, I told myself, "No, watch this thing. C'mon, you get to watch a movie for class!

So, I opened a bag of food to get myself to pay attention.

(I have found this to be an effective method for keeping interest, staying awake, not wanting to leave during classes)

This movie was so good!

Okay, really long, really old.

But, honestly...

it's about this man, who's just really living for his God.

-he doesn't work, he just sits all day and worships, singing and praying to him

-his wife gets angry, frustrated constantly and is really materialistic

-he gives all his surplus to the poor

-becomes condemned and is called blasphemous

-has to throw out all his songs that become resurrected

Okay, there is a lot more to this but it felt like an homage to Christianity, in a way.

Which, you know at that time, British India, Gandhi, this isn't all that far fetched.

I couldn't believe it... as cheesy as this sounds: my first thoughts- God is always all around me, reminding me always of Him.

We could watch any Indian movie there is, and there are MILLIONS.

But this one, huh?

I totally went from snooze city to being really fixed and entranced with it.

Crazy!

Okay, I really wanted to remember this so I had to document it,

Now I have to get ready for bed.

I sleep much too late these nights.

Somethings bubbling up inside my head.

All that is good is just starting to take flight:

1) My sense of identity with God.

2) Independence from my family.

3) Beautiful relationships at Westmont.

4) The bible study and its women.

5) My love for Daniel.

6) The yoga class on Wednesdays.

7) Real life.

Tonight has been such a good night.
I really just feel like so many wonderful people and things are falling into my lap.
Sometimes, I just get so excited for living.
And to think, this is only the beginning...

A taste of honey.

There are ants.

A LOT of ants.

Alllllll over the kitchen.

It was a nice way to start out my Friday morning.

I made the biggest mistake leaving unopened honey in on the counter.

But I threw it out, got rid of the army and went to class.

Now I'm back.

And so are they.

The pesky things just keep on a'comin.

Ants are funny little guys cause they really are so harmless.

They just have this way of being very overwhelming.

Also, after killing some, I always feel as though there are at least 4 on me just cruising on my skin...

I have to attend to this mess before they end up in my room.

Picturesque.

These are beautiful fresh flowers scanned. It makes me think of enchanted lands. I don't know why.

iPhone cupcakes! 

Lilo is pissed. Do not come any closer. I love this fat girl.

My current wallpaper. A collection of Bill Murray quotes. 

Wall graffiti. From the 1943 novel, Le Petit Prince. Translated of course. Lovely.

I want this car. A vintage BMW. Aww.

Keys. I have a thing for keys.

Okay. Happy October.