I'd rather be a sparrow than a sail.

One of those days where I wake up with a dry, sore throat, trip in front of dozens of people, spill coffee on my desk at work and then proceed to spill water on my shirt like my bottom lip has a hole. But I mean, the cool thing is that my trip was probably only a 30 second ordeal. 5 seconds to trip and 25 seconds to walk it off and have the people around me continue on and forget. Another cool thing is that my coffee spilled on one paper (that was being edited anyways) and only on that one paper. Not on the keyboard, not on the monitor or not even on an important document with Marisela's name on it. And the water spillage on my shirt, well no one saw (I think) and it faded within 30 minutes or less. Praise be to God for making the little things okay. But there is still that darned throat thing. OJ OJ OJ, vitamin C times 5. I think it has to do with a few things: I haven't been this tired everyday since I was a sophomore, I'm being exposed to new places like public transportation, meaning much more people and germs, everyone is sick at this school, I mean Swine flu outbreak everywhere so it could be trying to get me again, I haven't been exercising, meaning lack of immunity and also, this room gets cold and I have two large non-double paned windows by my head. It could be all of those things in one. It could also have to do with me stressing out the first few week, trying to organize myself and now that I'm calmed, I get sick, which tends to happen. I DO NOT WANT TO GET SICK. But if I do, what can I really do? I just have to deal. Which sucks. But I mean, I'm not going to die, I don't think and maybe I won't see Dan another weekend, but I mean it's not that bad, yeah? Fine. Another thing, I'm beginning to worry about the John's and David's from Casa Esperanza lunchtimes. Please God, let them be good men with hearts that are pure and good and not perverted. I have been just fine with this place up until now and I just don't want anything scary to happen. Sammy's home. YES. Heeeyyyy roomy.

My love.

And now its October. Where does the time even go? Am I really so busy that I can't write on here? I mean, I guess I am. Especially this week. The first real week of school. I had to get adjusted, figure things out. Get a feel for stuff. Updates: I'm taking the bus to school and its working out just great. I'm really happy with Daniel, even though I just sent him a snide text, I MIGHT have just blown everything. I love him too much for saying snide remarks. Uhh, certain roommates get on my nerves like no other. God help me be more tolerant, more patient, more empathetic. I completely nixed the radio participation stuff but then Ted kept coming into work and he makes me wanna do it so bad. He said I could always just sub. Which is true! Why don't I? I think I will. I mean, shoot, why not? I wish I had more time. I know I've made myself this busy. It seems like when you want to do so much, you can't do it all and then you have to choose. Again, you can't do it all. Let's see, hanging out with the Real Life boys was so nice. I missed Alex and Chris and Andy and so on. Going to Sarah House was amazing. Just like Debbie said, it was different but I know I'll have to give it time. Just like everything. It took me months to feel comfortable at AS. Now it's like home. I really love it, for the most part. Until I get ordered around by Claudia. I do not love that. For now, I just want to be close to God. I need the Lord. Regardless of how blessed I feel with my home, my relationships, my life, I still need Him and desire Him more than anything. To know that I was created on this earth as His child makes me soar. To know that he's watching over me, listening to me, waiting on me. I just want Him to come and take us all home. I love my life and I love my family, but I'm ready. If this is all good, it can only get better and I cannot imagine how much better it will be. But oh! How exciting!

Ohhhh, if I could make sense of it all.

Stressor # 1. It says that my books will not arrive until October 14th. 3 weeks into the quarter. Which is pretty much midterms.

Stressor #2. How am I going to park?

Stressor #3. How am I going to get from CHEM to Embarcadero Hall within 15 minutes?

Stressor #4. How am I going to get into all the classes I need this year?

Stressor #5. I'm feeling a cold sore develop.

Stressor #6. I've gained weight.

Stressor #7. I have broken out, I have 7 large pimples.

Stressor #8. What am I going to do about this weekend? I want to stay but I don't really want to stay. I want to go home but I don't really want to go home.

Stressor #9. Nicole and I have exchanged 3 words it seems like.

Stressor #10. I need my things from home.

Stressor #11. The shower head needs to be replaced pronto.

Stressor #12. My hair is so awkward.

Stressor #13. My journal is in my closet at home and this makes me veeerrryy anxious.

Stressor #14. This house is too quiet when no ones home.

Stressor #15. I need pillows.

Stressor #16. God protect my car.

Stressor #17. Where is there a Mobil?

Stressor #18. I need Jesus and growth.

Stressor #19. Why hasn't my boyfriend called me tonight? Actually this doesn't count. He doesn't need to hear me stress. I hate hearing myself stress so I'll spare him.

Stressor #20. The radio hours, will they get done? Will I get a show? Do I have time to do it? Can I commit to that?

It's like a valentine from your mother.

This is not how I expected it to be.

And they say that.

So now it's the end of the month and a few things have been established.

A) I will be returning to Santa Barbara.

B) Daniel and I will try the whole dating thing again.

C) My parents are still nutty.

Good. Just keeping things updated.

You're riding high in April, shut down in May.

I cannot believe that it's already August. I can't and refuse to believe it. I didn't even post anything in July! And I was probably less busy then I've ever been before in my life. Well, lets recap this summer. Pretty much, I had only one week of June. That consisted of unpacking and reorganizing my room. Then I got sick. That cold I fought off during finals week crept up and crippled me for a week and suddenly it was July. Just like that, SF for the 4th weekend. Then, American Idol audition with Britt and BAM sick again. Another week shed off. Took some time to reclaim my health and then began to volunteer as Mandana's bar exam accountability study partner. Kept her in check, encouraged, made breakfast, quizzed etc. This goes on for weeks. A few nights out with the girls occur here and there, nothing too extravagant. Introduction of corepoweryoga and it remains til this day! Also volunteered as Maaneli's homework aide and completed large projects due to the fact that she was spreading herself out too thin and hey, I'm a helpful kinda girl. And then, out of the blue, my health was STOLEN from me suddenly and I got slapped in the mouth with the SWINE. Miserable. 102 fever, shakes, pains, coughs, nausea. Took me about 2 weeks to recover. Continued to do all my volunteer work. Also throughout this time, in the back of my mind was, "Well, what am I going to do in the fall? Where am I supposed to be?" Then Mandana's exam, LA, praying for her to feel competent, peaceful and satisfied. Afterwards, family comes to visit for a week. Love love love. Then, time to sort out of my life. Calls, counseling appts, more calls and calls and emails and calls. Praying and praying. It's August. Praying praying. New car?!!!! Looks like all UCI/OCC doors are closing. UCSB appears to be the way that I'm supposed to follow. But is it right? Is it worth it? And if not, how do I tell the girls I'm out? Can I really be happy living at home? At the same time, can I really survive living in a home with 10 girls? I have 3 more days before my self created deadline. I can't put it off any longer. Right now, it seems like the UCSB direction is where I should stay. All the advice has pointed to that. I still have Chapman but I don't want to put my father in that amount of debt. For the next 3 days, I'm just waiting on the Lord. I will make a few more calls and then just wait on Him. I think I'm supposed to stay in SB only because I have this strong pull towards there. The same pull I initially felt when I made up my mind about medicine. I'm really just excited to be making a decision. I'm really looking forward to feeling stable and sure. To having a direction. I know that majoring in something that is of absolute no use to my major seems pointless but I have some ideas on how to make the whole experience work a la volunteering and doing hands on field work with health care. If i can't take the classes, at least I can get some experience. Daniel comes home in a week. I'll actually be in San Jose the day he comes home. Half of me is really bummed I won't be here for his arrival. Another half of me feels fine about it because I'd return 3 days later; enough for him to begin to settle in. That's good, right? Then that immediate pressure of "Hey! See me!" will be lifted. Then again, I hope it's not going be a bad thing that I'm not there, you know, a bad omen that I'm not there right when he gets in. Whatever. I can't think like that. I really miss him. I haven't heard his voice in over 2 months. I have no clue where we stand. I have no clue what will happen when he comes home. I have no clue what will happen if/when I go back to SB. Just like pretty much everything important in my life, I have no idea what is going to happen. I feel like I've kind of been at a stand still this whole summer. Just kinda waiting. Being quiet. And it all comes to a head within the next week. Week and a half. Well, I mean, not the Daniel thing. Or maybe that too? Who knows, he could come back and there could be absolutely no chemistry between us. And poof, it'll dwindle. Or we'll just continue to dabble. You know what, I don't know. I just do not know. All I know is that in a week, I get to see my grandparents. And then in September, I'm going to NY to see the VMA's courtesy of Mandana. You know, things might just be looking up after all. I just gotta keep my spirits lifted and wait on Him. He always takes care of me.

Dry cough.

It really is such a bummer to be sick in June. It's crappy, really. But then, I think about it and I think, would I rather be sick during school, during finals week? Uh... that happened too. But really, I'll take being sick at home versus at school. Even if I had more to keep me occupied and/or distracted. At least I get more rest, right?! But really, I just want to get my act together and have this summer be officially summer. But alas, I must wait for my health to be boosted up.