Ohhhh, if I could make sense of it all.

Stressor # 1. It says that my books will not arrive until October 14th. 3 weeks into the quarter. Which is pretty much midterms.

Stressor #2. How am I going to park?

Stressor #3. How am I going to get from CHEM to Embarcadero Hall within 15 minutes?

Stressor #4. How am I going to get into all the classes I need this year?

Stressor #5. I'm feeling a cold sore develop.

Stressor #6. I've gained weight.

Stressor #7. I have broken out, I have 7 large pimples.

Stressor #8. What am I going to do about this weekend? I want to stay but I don't really want to stay. I want to go home but I don't really want to go home.

Stressor #9. Nicole and I have exchanged 3 words it seems like.

Stressor #10. I need my things from home.

Stressor #11. The shower head needs to be replaced pronto.

Stressor #12. My hair is so awkward.

Stressor #13. My journal is in my closet at home and this makes me veeerrryy anxious.

Stressor #14. This house is too quiet when no ones home.

Stressor #15. I need pillows.

Stressor #16. God protect my car.

Stressor #17. Where is there a Mobil?

Stressor #18. I need Jesus and growth.

Stressor #19. Why hasn't my boyfriend called me tonight? Actually this doesn't count. He doesn't need to hear me stress. I hate hearing myself stress so I'll spare him.

Stressor #20. The radio hours, will they get done? Will I get a show? Do I have time to do it? Can I commit to that?

It's like a valentine from your mother.

This is not how I expected it to be.

And they say that.

So now it's the end of the month and a few things have been established.

A) I will be returning to Santa Barbara.

B) Daniel and I will try the whole dating thing again.

C) My parents are still nutty.

Good. Just keeping things updated.

You're riding high in April, shut down in May.

I cannot believe that it's already August. I can't and refuse to believe it. I didn't even post anything in July! And I was probably less busy then I've ever been before in my life. Well, lets recap this summer. Pretty much, I had only one week of June. That consisted of unpacking and reorganizing my room. Then I got sick. That cold I fought off during finals week crept up and crippled me for a week and suddenly it was July. Just like that, SF for the 4th weekend. Then, American Idol audition with Britt and BAM sick again. Another week shed off. Took some time to reclaim my health and then began to volunteer as Mandana's bar exam accountability study partner. Kept her in check, encouraged, made breakfast, quizzed etc. This goes on for weeks. A few nights out with the girls occur here and there, nothing too extravagant. Introduction of corepoweryoga and it remains til this day! Also volunteered as Maaneli's homework aide and completed large projects due to the fact that she was spreading herself out too thin and hey, I'm a helpful kinda girl. And then, out of the blue, my health was STOLEN from me suddenly and I got slapped in the mouth with the SWINE. Miserable. 102 fever, shakes, pains, coughs, nausea. Took me about 2 weeks to recover. Continued to do all my volunteer work. Also throughout this time, in the back of my mind was, "Well, what am I going to do in the fall? Where am I supposed to be?" Then Mandana's exam, LA, praying for her to feel competent, peaceful and satisfied. Afterwards, family comes to visit for a week. Love love love. Then, time to sort out of my life. Calls, counseling appts, more calls and calls and emails and calls. Praying and praying. It's August. Praying praying. New car?!!!! Looks like all UCI/OCC doors are closing. UCSB appears to be the way that I'm supposed to follow. But is it right? Is it worth it? And if not, how do I tell the girls I'm out? Can I really be happy living at home? At the same time, can I really survive living in a home with 10 girls? I have 3 more days before my self created deadline. I can't put it off any longer. Right now, it seems like the UCSB direction is where I should stay. All the advice has pointed to that. I still have Chapman but I don't want to put my father in that amount of debt. For the next 3 days, I'm just waiting on the Lord. I will make a few more calls and then just wait on Him. I think I'm supposed to stay in SB only because I have this strong pull towards there. The same pull I initially felt when I made up my mind about medicine. I'm really just excited to be making a decision. I'm really looking forward to feeling stable and sure. To having a direction. I know that majoring in something that is of absolute no use to my major seems pointless but I have some ideas on how to make the whole experience work a la volunteering and doing hands on field work with health care. If i can't take the classes, at least I can get some experience. Daniel comes home in a week. I'll actually be in San Jose the day he comes home. Half of me is really bummed I won't be here for his arrival. Another half of me feels fine about it because I'd return 3 days later; enough for him to begin to settle in. That's good, right? Then that immediate pressure of "Hey! See me!" will be lifted. Then again, I hope it's not going be a bad thing that I'm not there, you know, a bad omen that I'm not there right when he gets in. Whatever. I can't think like that. I really miss him. I haven't heard his voice in over 2 months. I have no clue where we stand. I have no clue what will happen when he comes home. I have no clue what will happen if/when I go back to SB. Just like pretty much everything important in my life, I have no idea what is going to happen. I feel like I've kind of been at a stand still this whole summer. Just kinda waiting. Being quiet. And it all comes to a head within the next week. Week and a half. Well, I mean, not the Daniel thing. Or maybe that too? Who knows, he could come back and there could be absolutely no chemistry between us. And poof, it'll dwindle. Or we'll just continue to dabble. You know what, I don't know. I just do not know. All I know is that in a week, I get to see my grandparents. And then in September, I'm going to NY to see the VMA's courtesy of Mandana. You know, things might just be looking up after all. I just gotta keep my spirits lifted and wait on Him. He always takes care of me.

Dry cough.

It really is such a bummer to be sick in June. It's crappy, really. But then, I think about it and I think, would I rather be sick during school, during finals week? Uh... that happened too. But really, I'll take being sick at home versus at school. Even if I had more to keep me occupied and/or distracted. At least I get more rest, right?! But really, I just want to get my act together and have this summer be officially summer. But alas, I must wait for my health to be boosted up. 

Man, I've been wasting so much time...

Things I'd rather be doing than writing this paper:

Sleeping.

Watching The Wonder Years episodes online.

Showering.

Being at home.

- with Nicole, Britt and/or Natalia.

- sitting with Lilo on the couch, watching brainless tv.

- helping my sister study for the bar.

- driving.

Reading for leisure.

Doing yoga, going for a run, dancing.

Singing.

Sitting at Caje with Nyrie.

Listening to all the new releases on my laptop.

Kissing him -> my Kevin, the so called love of my life.

Straightening my hair.

Recording onto Garageband.

Working! Yeah, I know.

Vacuuming.

Burning all these books, articles, bullshit research I don't care about.

Talking to Heather about her hopes and fears.

Going out, having a drink or two and engaging in conversation.

Okay I think that's enough distraction Melody.

Get back.

And I will try not to sing outta key-aahh.

I love love love The Wonder Years. It just takes me back to summer days when my sister and I would do nothing but watch the awkward love dramas of Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper. I just can't help but think, where is my Kevin Arnold? Does he exist? Probably not. Thanks again, media, for planting unrealistic fantastical romance into my mind. That kinda shit ain't real!