A Saucerful of Secrets.

So as I'm sitting here watching the fast forwarded version of the VMA's so that I can see glimpses of my sister (yes, front row in royal blue... can't be missed) I can't help but wonder why I'm still awake. I got ready for bed around 9pm, hoping to get shut eye at 10:30 but it's juuuust not happening right now. I'm trying this new thing where I partake in regular sleeping hours, voluntary exercise and the consumption of food that won't make me subconsciously guilty, which, you see, isn't very new because I used to be ridiculously smashing at this whole nutritious bit, but I'll call it new for the sake of this post. Well, I did jog over three miles today and that's pretty cool, you know? I will toot my own horn because it was not an easy feat. Consider my horn tooted. This is going to be a long one... the post, not the toot.

In other news, I think I have decided to change my major. I applied to UC's under psychology because really, I just had two or three psych courses with top notch grades that ultimately just looked good. I mean, I do really love the subject, I absolutely will always be fascinated with human thought and process. It's just that the only thing I could take with this is to continue to get my PhD and therefore go into teaching. Initially, that sounded lovely and great. Initially. Then I got to thinking and yeah, I love school, I'm pretty good at it and I thrive in knowing that I'm learning what I love but honestly, I don't want to be tied down for THAT long. I don't want to wait to have kids when I'm in my 30s. I know that these days, it's all the rage to be a high powered woman who leaves the marriage and children for last. I get that. I just don't want to be that woman. I want to be fulfilled in my career AND be in love AND have children.  A while ago, I had a vision of creating a non profit organization and working in ways that are ultimately just giving and aiding. All of my life I've just wanted to help those in need and be useful but I don't want to be a nurse and I've already seriously considered medical school. Is it wild to think that I could create this makeshift plan and actually make a difference? I guess that anyone can attempt at foundations, charities and what have yous but I really want to make an impact and I absolutely believe it in myself that I have what it takes. I hope I don't come off as high and mighty or presumptuous but I've always had this calling. I just need to know how to utilize it. And now I will get to the point being, my major will probably change to Global and International Studies. With this degree, I can prepare for exactly what I need for management, cultural ideologies, public service and hopefully add another language to my belt. So that's where I stand as of right now. 

Other than that, I've actively decided that I want to know and understand what God means to me.  Yes, I have always believed in a God but that was the extent of my belief. I've come to a point where I feel like I'm mature and capable enough to figure it out for myself. I've been reading the bible my parents picked up from Embassy Suites, our first home in Orange County where I noticed my first bible and asked a trademark of a question, "Mom... what's a holy bib-l?" Thankfully, they've raised me to make this resolution on my own terms so whatever this leads to, I technically shouldn't have to worry that it would hinder their judgements on me. I don't know what anything means. I'm so new to any of this. I just know I'm open. I'm opening my heart to all that is good. And that can't be bad.