My God in heaven, what were we thinking?

It's freeeeezing in my room!

I can't say that I hate it, however.

I also told myself I would be exercising at some point today/tonight.

Well, now it's tonight and I can't seem to get myself to walk out of my room.

Let alone, 20 minutes to the gym.

In the dark... surrounded by lurking yahoos and those sorts. 

Ah, I hate this indecisive mind game.

I should really have somebody donate me one of those folding work out contraptions.

I'm not interested in buying or stealing, so clearly, donations are in my favor here.

ASdljlkjasdklj.

What is with this society and being so obsessed with fitness?

I'm all for good health.

But really, it's not even about that anymore.

It's much more deep rooted, egotistical, sick and well, sad.

I've been around people who are just so into themselves that I can't help but laugh at them.

Then feel bad.

As for me, I have been in the habit of at least 40 minutes of rigorous aerobic workouts, 4-5 days a week, for the past two years.

When I start skipping, my equilibrium gets all jammed.

And I begin to do feel mentally unstable in certain aspects.

It's really strange.

It's like, I keep insecurities hidden and calm when I'm on schedule.

Once I start slacking off, something begins to eat at me.

It's terrible.

And it's because of this that I have to keep up with fitness, so my mind has nothing to pick a part.

What's that about?

That is madness and absolutely tiring.

Every now and then, especially recently, I've been able to comfort myself 

and tell myself certain things to excuse my lack of motivation.

But why do I even have to do that, to make myself "okay" with not being active?

The mere fact that I even have this as a priority, to just say, well, I like to be healthy, it makes me feel good, should be enough.

Well, it's true, I like being healthy and it makes me feel amazing to push myself. 

But isn't that just scratching the surface?

I'm not saying I have an eating disorder, I mean, that ship sailed about 3 years ago.

And that wasn't exactly a full blown deal and I'm not getting into that now.

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with all of this.

I know that I love working out because I have a lot of energy that needs to be released actively.

But I also know that I shouldn't mentally impair myself if I don't get around to it.

Why is it that diets and ways to keep fit are constantly thrown in our faces?

Why is being skinny such a beautified image?

Who is it for anyway?

Don't men like women that look like... women? Instead of skeleton little boys?

Don't they, them people, know that they are damaging hundreds of women like me?

What ever happened to curvy, womanly shapes that most of us actually have to offer?

What ever happened to beauty in natural, God given form?

I guess, I blame myself for buying into it all.

For comparing, for holding onto past hurts, for allowing it to infiltrate my psyche to this day.

My mother, sister and dad had all once told me that I needed to lose weight, as a little girl.

Would try to come up with suggestions and encourage me to take interest in exercise.

Mandana never once took a part of it and I'll always remember that.

I know it was all meant for my own good to set the foundations of healthy living.

But it didn't work and actually just upset me a great deal.

Especially because of the insulting ways in which my mother would go about it.

Nobody can make me do anything, I've learned.

So when I started college, I desired it without anyone's influence.

This is all too familiar...

Well, anyway, this is getting much too... much.

I just hope that one of these days, I will feel secure enough.

And I know I'm not alone.

Every single other female that I know is insecure to some degree.

I just know that when I have children, if I get blessed with a daughter, or even a son, I will do everything in my power to build up their self images.

They won't even know what the concept of insecurity means!

I realize this may be shooting for the moon, but hey, that's just what it's going to take.