GIVE ME THE DAMN STARBUCKS CUPS.

I have so much going on in the next two weeks that I don't know what I will do.

I don't know how I will accomplish everything either.

I definitely did not succeed in as much work as I wanted this weekend. 

I did succeed in seeing almost everybody that I was missing.

Except for Nicole, that's later today... once again, putting off my work.

Hey, you know what? This next week, I will just be antisocial and work work work. 

I just want it to be Saturday, the 13th of December at 3pm. 

My mom just harassed me about coffee cups and christmas lights.

Santa Barbara, I'm coming soon.

I'd also like to add:

My dad has been leaving the traditional holiday music on the t.v. as background noise. This is brilliant in so many ways. I also feel like I'm hearing certain christmas songs for the first time (even though I've grown up with all this regardless of my faith). 

Khabam meeyad.

Tonight was so fun! I got to hang out with my family allllll day and it felt really, really good. I absolutely love these kind of days. 

First off, we had breakfast; 

then I watched this movie called Silent Waters. It's about this Pakistani young man who becomes a follower of the extreme Muslim movement taking place in the late 70s. Watched it with my dad (an avid lover of Indian films) and then proceeded to have a discussion on religion (my favorite). This was maybe a good time to say, "Well, guess what... I believe in Jesus!" but I just didn't have the guts, unfortunately, and the moment passed. I did get him to admit that he believes in a higher being, however and that is a start, right? I guess, I just know that one day I will tell him (because he knows everything about me) so for the present time, I'm just working on building my relationship with God and that has nothing to do with my father or anyone else, for that matter, anyway. 

After this: Mandana had a bit of a critique on my parents and it was complicated. A lot came up and I'm glad it did. I helped her out; called my dad out on his changing behaviors, told my mom to mellow out on the shopping and finished with, "Hey, let's just all hang out a little more, alright?"

Then I went to the gym for a long period of time and it felt amazing. I'm having so many issues with the fact that I could not exercise for over a month. That damn cold that lasted 2 months. I mean, really? I was really thorough today and if I just get back to a routine again, my insecurities will be at bay in about a month or so. (Crossing my fingers)

Once home, we had a tree up, lights and traditional holiday music to fill the house. Does it come off weird that my family is not Christian and has always celebrated Christmas? Well, it's kind of strange for me this year to think about. I mean, for us, Christmas is just a time where we spend more time together, celebrate being a family and exchange gifts. Seeing as though my dad lost his 401K and had a 10% pay cut, out gift exchange is going to be real limited and our family time will be (or at least I'm hoping) increased. I think this change will actually be really good for us. 

We then all went to Peppino's for dinner. This is my dad's favorite local restaurant. Why? Good question.  But it was nice that we were all there, Maaneli, Matt and Mandana. Usually Mandana just doesn't go out to dinners unless it's for a special occasion or some sort but she came! It was great! Shab came and surprised us too! We were sitting on the back patio by ourselves and at one point, my parents got up to dance. I loved it.

Came back. Called my Daniel boy. We chit chatted for a bit.

Off the phone: back downstairs, was in a really funny giggly mood. Laughing to myself and at nothing. We were all about to order The Fall On Demand but decided it was too long and too late. Instead, I suggested a game of Scene It. Brilliant. We split in teams of 3. Got super competitive. I mean, SO COMPETITIVE. I'm pretty sure Matt was gonna blow his head off at one point but it was okay in the end cause we (Me, Maaneli and Matt) won. Of course. 

Now I'm about to get to bed.

The one thing I'm bummed out about is that I did not get any real work done. Tomorrow, I HAVE to start. It's just that today was so good and I didn't want to be away from anyone. Tomorrow, I'm also supposed to meet with Brittney (haven't seen her since September) then meet with Natalia before we go see Joey play some music. If I push back meeting with Britt til afternoonish, I can totally get some work done in the morning? Okay well, I still have all Sunday, Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday night to start/finish my Indian paper and start my Environmental final... ohmygaaahssshhI'mgettinganxiety. Okay goodnight then.

With thanks and giving.

Oh gees.

This has to be short.

I'm thankful for so many: relationships, resources and loves. 

If I were to list each single thing, it would frankly take much too long.

Now, if everyone were to be this thankful everyday I bet we'd all smile just a liiiittle more.

(Would that mean we'd be less thankful and more likely to be ungrateful? Nope, not in this hypothetical scenario of mine. I fantasize strictly in glass half full positivity here. Check your cynicism at the door, please)

Simply put, I'm blessed.

Ross, it's a brand new day.

I'm so broke. It's kind of funny. To think I could have been 90 dollars less if I had a ride to the airport? That makes me cringe and feel a little bit bitter. Letting thaaaaat go. Christmas presents are going to be homemade this year and I'm looking forward to being crafty. 

It's supposed to raiiiin. 

Lovely.

Magical, mystical, whatever it may be.

Oh my weekend. I can't believe it. New York City for the weekend? Sure, yeah. I just picked myself up and went. Although the plane ride was uncomfortable and sickening, I actually really like planes for the technology and purpose in which they embody, you know, to travel. I love seeing new things (which is such a general statement, I know), actually, I find energy in the new. Sometimes new can be scary and old is much easier, comfortable and accessible. Not that I don't enjoy familiarity, cause I absolutely do but let's get back to the post. It was such a wonderful time. I got to experience harsh cold air, arts, church gazing, Time Squaring, Original Sin Cider and so much more in the company of the one I love. I've loved many before but for the first time, I can say that I'm in love, that Daniel Spain has my heart and I've never been so satisfied. I'm just a blessed bumblebee dripping with love and that's all there is to it. 

Now, I have to focus on schoolwork. I have to watch an Indian movie and write a paper on it by next Tuesday. I have so much reading to do for other classes as well. I'm taking the train home tomorrow at 6:15pm and hopefully I won't know anyone on it so that I can continue reading which comes off as rude and antisocial but I have to crackdown while I can. I really don't want to be tied down with work so that being home means being with family and friends who I haven't seen. Like Natalia, Nicole and Brittney. I miss them so much. What's crazy is that I have this week to finish off, then one more week of classes followed by finals and Daniel's return! And the holidays!!! (These tend to just fly by since half of them are going to by occupied by finals)

I realize I'm a little scatterbrained with this post. You'll have to forgive me.

Well, here it all goes. Let's do it.

Clumps in the Milk(y Way)?!

In Antarctica, a balloon-borne instrument has found evidence of a possible large clump of mysterious so-called dark matter relatively close to our solar system... It detected an unexpected amount of very high energy cosmic ray electrons coming from an unknown source within about 3,000 light years of the solar system.

One explanation is that the electrons may have been spawned as dark matter particles collided with one another, triggering their mutual annihilation, according to Louisiana State University physics professor John Wefel.

It is invisible. And poorly understood.

The scientists said it is possible that the electrons detected in this research may have been produced by a more conventional source -- perhaps a spinning neutron star called a pulsar that emits a beam of radiation, a medium-sized black hole or the remnants of a bygone supernova.

This is CRAZY and incredibly fascinating.

Sono occupato.

So busy!

6:50AM: Wake up.

7AM: Morning jog, breakfast and coffee making.

1o:03AM: Arrive to class late and sweaty.

11:15AM: Homework.

12:00-1pm: Homework plus lunch, mostly homework.

1-3pm: Work. SO much to do. Flies. Requisition logging, check filing, authorized signers calling, void check filing, "Can you call this person and tell them that they aren't eligible?"

3:15pm: Present time. Sitting down in Nicoletti's (On campus coffee shop) Finally a break. There's this perfectly normal Asian girl sitting in here doing homework. The radio's on or something and she knows every song. Was Green Day, now Nickleback. She is singing. Loudly. While writing down whatever homework/notes/secret admirer letters and not looking up at all. Nobody else seems to notice or pay attention to this display. Am I in a movie?

3:30pm: European Theater class. We'll discuss Michel Vinaver's Overboard. More about that later.

Tonight: I have laundry, more homework and hopefully see Diana/Jasmine if I'm alive by 8pm. Probably not, sleep has seduced me at this point in the evening every night this week.

Another dimension. Another dimension. Another dimension.

I am having serious issues finishing this essay right now. I have not been able to focus on a single thought that has flittered through my brain. I just want to be DONE and move ON. Okay here it goes. My caffeinated heart is going to try again. 

UPDATE: I am THOROUGHLY annoyed with my downstairs neighbors. I hate them. I hate them for keeping me up yelling ridiculously crude things at odd hours of the night and I hate them for skateboarding every single afternoon. DON'T YOU GET ENOUGH SKATEBOARDING, DONT YOU SKATEBOARD TO CLASS?! I think I'm going to take the skateboard and crack it over that bastards head as a way to introduce myself. 

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

Today felt like Monday.

Seeing Nicole and Natalia was SO great. 

I miss them a lot a lot a lot!

Being with them is like I'm home again, in the best way, since being home doesn't feel like home lately.

I expect them to come back real soon.

I'm going to New York on the 21st!!!!!!

Now, how I'm going to tell my dad, that's another story.

Ahh, tomorrow is Thursday.

I have a paper to write this weekend.

Other than that, I'm not very talkative this evening.

I'm much more in a watch t.v., quiet, mellow-ative.

It would be nice to watch The Graduate kind of evening.

And now I will lay down and be.

.

I feel utterly terrible this morning. 

In a nutshell:

Honey, let's not get carried away.

I didn't think it was possible to get more sick, but I did!

Yeeeep, it was a backwards one: from bronchitis and now to the sinuses.

Who knew?

Here I am, sitting on my couch, with water eyes, a nasally voice and HEADACHE.

Can I just not do anything and have somebody rub my back and let me cough?

This cold is wearing me out.

Regardless, today was such a nice day!

-Coffee, church in IV, Java Jones in IV, the SB museum (want to go back everyday), lunch at the small cafe next door, home with candles, reading, blankets, Diana and soon, Toby, chinese takeout plus whatever else happens.

Despite feeling really crappy, I've managed to have a great day.

Clearly, because of my best friend.

Tomorrow afternoon, Nicole, Natalia and Sarah are supposed to visit! 

Also, the return of Heather after over a week of absence. 

Tuesday is a holiday. Meaning, no work. No school. 

Alright, well that's all I got for now.

I'm keeping up with the moon on an all night avenue.

I did absolutely nothing this evening. I'm not going to list a bunch of I-didn't-do's. I will say that tonight was a quiet evening and sometimes we all need quiet. I will also say that there is a difference between choosing quiet and having quiet be a the result of lack of production. I really want to call Daniel and ask him to tell me a story. Just a story, then I would let him get back to his New Yorkan functions. Maybe. 

I'm cold! And my cold won't go away! It's a menace!

My coffee pot just cracked this afternoon. What. Why would that even happen, manufacturers? 

A pilot became blinded during a stroke but managed to land his plane safely!

I will take this quiet Saturday evening and embrace it by getting lost in my comforter.  

UPDATE: Diana's coming over!!!! Excellent.

Hello operator, can you give me number nine?

Whenever I come home on Thursday nights, I just feel:

tranquil/peaceful/alive/hopeful/lustrous

There are a lot of people I don't know, who don't give off a friendly vibe, who I know judge me just by the way they look at me.

Mostly though, there are people who are interested, engaging, concerned, and loving.

And I just thank my lucky stars for those kinds riiiiiight there.

Actually, I thank the ones that don't welcome me in right away as well cause they teach me so much.

I'm excited for this weekend.

Tomorrow night, I hope to see Diana although she is hard to reach these days.

I will also be dressing some Jesus Burgers and that is lovely.

On Saturday, 

I plan on catching up on homework, laundering, and catching up on more work.

Maybe have a glass of wine and a movie for dessert (because I can). 

Sometimes I get this overwhelming wave of love that makes me want to hug everybody.

That's weird, I know.

I sound like some kind of hippy.

I'm just an affectionate kind of person, I guess.

These days, my affection just kind of overflows and I don't feel a need to hold it back. 

I tripped

3 times today. 

I always think of this, every time. 

"You're walking down the street, 

good self esteem day for you too. 

You can feel really good about yourself, like your hair, like your outfit. 

It just takes that ONE TINY trip to just suck the coolness right out of you.

Can't let that happen, as soon as that happens we have to look back right away.

Or we can go into denial, 'I just feel like running anyway... I'm running... and... I'm... done' "

Election rant.

I'm a little bit frustrated by what people my age are believing at this moment. Obviously disappointed in the elections. I think it's a shame. 

Clearly, not everyone can be made satisfied all the time. Clearly, this honeymoon period is unpredictable. Clearly, the United States has some issues to face that are not going to be easy. I just don't understand why it's so hard to be proud of this election... seeing things like, "Well, what country to move to now" and "This is ridiculous" yadda yadda yadda. Oh come on guys. This is NOT that bad! And if you reallllly think so then please, stop talking about it and leave! You will not find another country like this. 

Why can't we all just step back and think, in our generation we voted for a (half) black president to lead our country. Okay, it's not even about him being black. It's this whole "you can do anything in America" ideal that has been revived for everyone along with this patriotism that has not been this strong since 9/11. Daniel reminded me last night, who knows how long everyone will be as proud? And it's true, whoooo knows. Especially since his responsibility is incredibly weighted and there is SO MUCH that needs to be fixed. 

Back to my beginning point, it's disappointing to me to see mostly all my newly made friends be so anti-Obama. And for what?! Because of his beliefs that seem contradictory to the Bible? Aren't we supposed to love everyone, regardless of what they believe? Isn't Obama Christian? We have prayed for God to lead this country and to be present in this election and last night, God placed Obama into the presidential seat. So, can't we just understand that everything is meant to happen. From the mistakes made with Bush to the election of Obama. Then just let it be. 

Let me also say that if McCain was elected, I would have been bummed out because of the war but I would have also said, okay, well, this is it and accepted the fate of the country just like the last election. What other choice is there? Anger and bitter resentment? What's the point of that? That's just a bad joojoo vibe that makes you sick with its negativity. 

I have a love/hate relationship with politics. There is so much good and so much bad. Before I was Christian, I was liberal. Today as a Christian, I still am. And I'm proud to say that I can be both and I know if I were to say this to a lot of people, they would not understand but that's okay, they don't have to understand. God understands and I do too. 

One more thing, for those people who are all, "I'm soooo sick of this election crap" I just think they use that as an excuse to dismiss their disappointment of the results. Every time I see someone say that, it tends to be all they say, "I'm sick of it." Never anything positive or negative so they don't step on anyones toes or say how they truly feel. Is it because they don't even know what else to say because a) they don't know politics or b) they don't have their own opinions? Hmm. Gosh, I'm sick of it too. I was getting sick of it months ago when the candidates were just battling back and forth and back and forth. But shoot, it's over! It's done. We're ALL sick of it. 

You know what though, I think passion is beautiful and I have seen so much passion in all different directions. It's wonderful to see this fire in all Americans who acknowledge this election. That is my final thought. 

(I just saw a Christmas commercial!!! Oh, Hallmark it's too early.)

These.

I want you to make love, not war. I know you've heard it before.

I think voting is really cool.

I just really like the idea that citizens are meant to decide and choose laws.

I really love the way our government is supposed to work, in the simplest of ways.

This morning I spoke with my mother about the whole voting thing.

I asked her if she had ever voted for anything in Iran.

Clearly, she hadn't.

It's SO CRAZY to think that my parents lived under a monarchy.

In their eyes, it was a dictatorship.

That is so inconceivable to me!

I don't even want to get into those politics, lack of rights, the practice of stoning women...

Slkjsdfkljdsfjkldfs.

But I'm also just really excited for this all to come to a head.

It will FINALLY be over sometime tomorrow, which is lovely.

In other news, 

The weather is colder, (yes!)

Heather has not yet returned from the weekend (great!),

My job is the best busy work kind of job that I could have asked for,

I'm always in the know as far as events go, which is really exciting!

(And, alphabetizing and organizing? This is totally up my alley),

I had a really embarrassing coughing spell in class today,

but I'm capable of singing at times, which is an improvement on this cruel bronchial inflammation.

2/3rds of my midterms turned out to be B's, which is ehh, you know...

I'm kind of a brat when it comes to grades and I can't be satisfied until I make an A.

However, considering these were my 1st ever midterms at UCSB,

I think I will just smile kindly and relax for a moment.

I love my bed: it's large, cozy and I'm sleeping early this evening. 

:)

"Biting on a nut!!!"

It's such a peculiar feeling that I have currently.

I don't really know what is going on.

Unexplainable. 

I'd love to just take a week off to go away.

I don't really like blogging when I don't feel 100%.

But then again, it works out here because then I don't have to take it out on anyone.

a) I don't feel like I have a secure group:

I have people at home but there's a growing distance. They're home, I'm here, it's just different.

I have people at UCSB but nobody who has really caught my attention. I mean, everyone is incredibly nice and good. I'm just saying, no one that has connected with me on more than one level.

I have Westmont but all the girls, well they have all grown much closer which is inevitably going to occur, you know? This doesn't mean that I'm not loved or wanted, it's just my insecurity eating at me.

I have my family but they don't know the new me and it's hard because I love talking about God. I love it and it's sad when I feel like I can't around the people I love the most.

b) I have a strange cold.

I think it's a chest cold, as Diana pointed out.

Possibly bronchitis.

It's unusual because when I get sick (which isn't very often) it's usually just a regular runny nose, sore throat deal.

This one is like a painful throat-thick cough that abuses me when it emerges.

I think I will listen to Daniel and see a doctor on Monday or when they're available.

I will make the effort of a bus/cab/missing class if I have to.

I'm curious to see if there is something wrong or if it's just a really vicious cold.

c) I have not been as physically capable as I want to be.

Partly because of my sickness and waiting for it to pass.

I plan on changing this very, very soon.

Well. I don't want to throw myself a pity party. I really do not like to feel sorry for myself. I really don't like that. I just want to make it better. And it will happen, right? Yeah. 

In an effort to be optimistic, here is a list of things that make me happy:

a) It's November! Thanksgiving! There is a 60% chance I'm going to New York!

b) The weather is chilly.

c) I have amazing coffee in my apartment!

d) I have my own apartment! With my own bedroom!

e) Diana's strength inspires me.

f) Christmas is almost here! 

g) My boyfriend will return in a handful of weeks! And we get to hug and kiss!

h) I have gotten through midterms, it's over and over and OVER.

i) We had a girls night last night and it was refreshing.

j) I have yoga on Wednesdays!

This list is MUCH longer and MUCH better.

Hallelujah for the good things in life.

Let's go to state street and get coffee and read some Friedrich Durrenmatt works.