So this is... Christmas?

I'm not one to be a negative nancy but I'm just going to say that this has been the worst holiday season my family has ever experienced. I feel as though everything is falling apart. My home was once my sanctuary. Today, it's so far from that and I can't be creative enough to come up with a word that takes its place. There's so much bitterness, complaining, tension, stress, anxiety, depression etc. I'd like to pretend it's not rubbing off on me but it totally is. I find myself so sad or tense. Christmas Eve felt like any other night. In fact, my parents went out to a friends party so they weren't even home. This morning: my mom slept in until 10:30, Mandana is really bitter about yesterday so she won't come out of her room, Maaneli is at her boyfriends house, oblivious to anything happening. I just don't know what happened. What, once we're in our 20s everyone gets a free pass to separate and make their own plans? At this point, I'd rather just leave then continue at making attempts to mend. As sappy as it sounds, I've never actually cried from sadness on Christmas except for this year. 

Going back to Santa Barbara seems really appealing. Going anywhere seems really appealing. 

And then my grandma calls and oh, how much joy she brings into my heart. She is a saint.