Hindsight.

So, here it is. My Christmas vacation is near its end. My thoughts are very mixed. This whole time I've just been very up and down and up and down. I've felt so very unfulfilled, useless and idle. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my friends, Lilo, sleeping in, and having no deadlines. But I think that the friction in being home just kick started everything else into an emotional flurry and now I can't help but think, where did all the time go? I also can't help but think that it's harder for me to reach God as I'm home even though this is where I first discovered his truth. I don't know what it is but it just seems like I'm so blocked and distracted from his presence. It's almost as if I continue to pray and pray but I'm nowhere near as focused as I was 3 weeks ago. Why? I have no clue and I really cannot explain it. This is another reason I'm really looking forward to my return to Santa Barbara. I'm craving Real Life. My bible study. The community I've met that is so nurturing to me. I'm interested in knowing how Leanna's first holiday without her father turned out, if Kristen had any encounters with her troubling ex boyfriend, if Alex is taking his scholarship to Pepperdine, if there are any new discoveries with Middle Eastern outreaches. 

I wish that I could have handled everything at home better. I wish I could have been more loving and less taken aback. But alas, I cant! I can't change anything! Can't go back. This is it. It's done. It happened and here I go. Mostly, I'm so sad to be apart from Nicole. We had some amazing conversations over this break and I will miss her the most with Lilo coming in as a close second. In contrast, I'm mostly excited to get back to me, my own time, my own apartment, my own freedoms. Granted, I say this but I will have the busiest quarter with little free time to do anything else but sleep (maybe) and shower. In fact, I will probably go to bed by 10 pm and wake at 5:30 everyday! Oh man. So much for freedom, right? That's that then. I'm coming back, Santa Barbara. Please be good to me.