Tiword.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. So tired. Daniel was right, it is like I just have roommates and not friends. I mean, he didn't put it that way. But still, it does seem like it at times. Like tonight. I just want it to be Thanksgiving already. I need this Black Studies paper to write itself. The History 8 paper needs to write itself too. Also if those Geography 148 projects could be completed, I'd be totally okay with that too. At least I just have 4 weeks left in this quarter. My, how fall quarter flies. But when I do go home, what am I even gonna do with myself? Is it even going to feel like home? It hasn't lately at all. I just don't really know. That's okay. God will get me through this.

My mother is an atheist, if I stay out late she won't get pissed.

So what is it? Is it because my parents hardly talk to me anymore? And then when I call them out on it, it's "We just don't know when to call, you're so busy...". Or is it because I wanted that last year and now that it's happening, I don't want it. Or maybe it's the fact that I always call them and when I do, it's like pulling teeth, like I'm the mom, like it's a chore to talk to me. Or maybe it's because they're pulling away and I know when I go home, it's going to get turned around on me and it'll be because I'm Christian, because I have this new family and I'm the one that is falling out. Maybe it's because it's always that tone she gets. Always so bitter and hard. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel so useless at Sarah House, unsure of how to reach out to these older, sick people, who don't want to talk. Especially since Margaret's attitude is so much more fake and I can't be that. Or maybe it's because I'm doing the whole self pity thing. Or it could be because everyone else in this home seems to have wonderful relationships with their families, who send them random gift bags and postcards just cause. I just think that it's crazy that God provided this home for me, this place full of love and people who care. If I didn't have this right now, I'd be the loneliest girl on the planet. My parents have just let go. Which is what I wanted. But I want them to be involved. I want them to be happy to talk to me. I don't want to always have to be the one that calls, that puts on a fake happy voice when I can tell there's resistance. I just need to keep praying and praying and praying. I can't let these thoughts take over me. I can't think of how it's going to be when I go home. When I'll be thinking of how uncomfortable I am, how they'll think I'm pushing away, that I'm the one that wants to be with people that are Christian. If it weren't for these girls, showing me His love right now, where would I even be? I'd be clinging to my parents who don't give a shit about me. Or maybe they'd be babying me and I'd have absolutely no real sense of truth. I don't know. I don't know what I need right now. I just want to sit and cry and not move and take my hair down and cry and sing maybe and then just wake up to tomorrow, so that I'm one step closer to the weekend. Why am I dreading tonight so much? Why do I feel so insufficient? I know what I have to do, the person I'm supposed to be and right now it's just a little hard to swallow? No, it shouldn't be that way. Get out of this. Now.

I'm not going to pussyfoot this.

When I wake up tomorrow, it will be Wednesday THEN Thursday. Then I go home. And squeeze Lilo. Take a nice shower. Work out. Eat good food. What else? Sleep in a full sized bed. Do laundry. Enjoy nice weather. Oh how the time flies. Ughh I really hope my TA tomorrow doesn't pick on me so intensely like he did last week then accuse me of texting, which never happened. Sometimes 50 minutes seems so short. Other times, it feels like the longest hour of my life. I'm going to try to drive to class tomorrow since I don't have work due to furlough days. Then I can come back and kinda just catch up, relax, eat lunch and then go back. I'll have a break from 10-2 which is what, 4 hours? Sad that I'll be short on those hours for work. Bleh. Mandana came here last night. We goofed around for a while at the end of the night and I think Sammy was weirded out by us... huh. I watched The Notebook with 4 of my housemates tonight and it was lovely. Quite the romantic movie, I must say. I told Sammy that movies like The Notebook are bad for me and all womanhood. It just plants unrealistic ideas into our minds about romance and relationships that just isn't how it works in reality. Love is love and it's amazing and wonderful but NO it's not like the movies because nothing is ever like the movies. It's just not. College is never like the movies say it is. Lots of things aren't like the movies say they are and yes, I stand firm when I say that movies such as The Notebook are damaging in the sense that girls will watch it and expect things that truly don't exist. That's all. I woke up abruptly last night and now I have a cold sore. Thanks a lot. I also still have a cough. And back problems? Can't it just be Thursday 5:30pm already? Come early, please come.

All glory honor power is Yours, amen.

I'm buried to my neck with homework and I just don't know how it will all get done. But I love him and not doing any work this weekend was worth it. Also, I need to sleep well. I haven't gotten a good nights rest in over a week. Splendid. Okay really, time to get the ball rolling here.

I'd rather be a sparrow than a sail.

One of those days where I wake up with a dry, sore throat, trip in front of dozens of people, spill coffee on my desk at work and then proceed to spill water on my shirt like my bottom lip has a hole. But I mean, the cool thing is that my trip was probably only a 30 second ordeal. 5 seconds to trip and 25 seconds to walk it off and have the people around me continue on and forget. Another cool thing is that my coffee spilled on one paper (that was being edited anyways) and only on that one paper. Not on the keyboard, not on the monitor or not even on an important document with Marisela's name on it. And the water spillage on my shirt, well no one saw (I think) and it faded within 30 minutes or less. Praise be to God for making the little things okay. But there is still that darned throat thing. OJ OJ OJ, vitamin C times 5. I think it has to do with a few things: I haven't been this tired everyday since I was a sophomore, I'm being exposed to new places like public transportation, meaning much more people and germs, everyone is sick at this school, I mean Swine flu outbreak everywhere so it could be trying to get me again, I haven't been exercising, meaning lack of immunity and also, this room gets cold and I have two large non-double paned windows by my head. It could be all of those things in one. It could also have to do with me stressing out the first few week, trying to organize myself and now that I'm calmed, I get sick, which tends to happen. I DO NOT WANT TO GET SICK. But if I do, what can I really do? I just have to deal. Which sucks. But I mean, I'm not going to die, I don't think and maybe I won't see Dan another weekend, but I mean it's not that bad, yeah? Fine. Another thing, I'm beginning to worry about the John's and David's from Casa Esperanza lunchtimes. Please God, let them be good men with hearts that are pure and good and not perverted. I have been just fine with this place up until now and I just don't want anything scary to happen. Sammy's home. YES. Heeeyyyy roomy.

My love.

And now its October. Where does the time even go? Am I really so busy that I can't write on here? I mean, I guess I am. Especially this week. The first real week of school. I had to get adjusted, figure things out. Get a feel for stuff. Updates: I'm taking the bus to school and its working out just great. I'm really happy with Daniel, even though I just sent him a snide text, I MIGHT have just blown everything. I love him too much for saying snide remarks. Uhh, certain roommates get on my nerves like no other. God help me be more tolerant, more patient, more empathetic. I completely nixed the radio participation stuff but then Ted kept coming into work and he makes me wanna do it so bad. He said I could always just sub. Which is true! Why don't I? I think I will. I mean, shoot, why not? I wish I had more time. I know I've made myself this busy. It seems like when you want to do so much, you can't do it all and then you have to choose. Again, you can't do it all. Let's see, hanging out with the Real Life boys was so nice. I missed Alex and Chris and Andy and so on. Going to Sarah House was amazing. Just like Debbie said, it was different but I know I'll have to give it time. Just like everything. It took me months to feel comfortable at AS. Now it's like home. I really love it, for the most part. Until I get ordered around by Claudia. I do not love that. For now, I just want to be close to God. I need the Lord. Regardless of how blessed I feel with my home, my relationships, my life, I still need Him and desire Him more than anything. To know that I was created on this earth as His child makes me soar. To know that he's watching over me, listening to me, waiting on me. I just want Him to come and take us all home. I love my life and I love my family, but I'm ready. If this is all good, it can only get better and I cannot imagine how much better it will be. But oh! How exciting!

Ohhhh, if I could make sense of it all.

Stressor # 1. It says that my books will not arrive until October 14th. 3 weeks into the quarter. Which is pretty much midterms.

Stressor #2. How am I going to park?

Stressor #3. How am I going to get from CHEM to Embarcadero Hall within 15 minutes?

Stressor #4. How am I going to get into all the classes I need this year?

Stressor #5. I'm feeling a cold sore develop.

Stressor #6. I've gained weight.

Stressor #7. I have broken out, I have 7 large pimples.

Stressor #8. What am I going to do about this weekend? I want to stay but I don't really want to stay. I want to go home but I don't really want to go home.

Stressor #9. Nicole and I have exchanged 3 words it seems like.

Stressor #10. I need my things from home.

Stressor #11. The shower head needs to be replaced pronto.

Stressor #12. My hair is so awkward.

Stressor #13. My journal is in my closet at home and this makes me veeerrryy anxious.

Stressor #14. This house is too quiet when no ones home.

Stressor #15. I need pillows.

Stressor #16. God protect my car.

Stressor #17. Where is there a Mobil?

Stressor #18. I need Jesus and growth.

Stressor #19. Why hasn't my boyfriend called me tonight? Actually this doesn't count. He doesn't need to hear me stress. I hate hearing myself stress so I'll spare him.

Stressor #20. The radio hours, will they get done? Will I get a show? Do I have time to do it? Can I commit to that?