Well, they'll stone you when you're tryin' to be so good.

This is ridiculous. 4 months? Actually, it makes sense. Winter Break. Winter Quarter. 5 classes. Understood. Ironically, I have one final left and here I am, typing away. Knowing I should really be memorizing Mead's Pragmatism theories. You know, how science and technology will save the world! I totally agree. Mostly. There's the whole idealism sitch, where he likes to knock Christianity, which actually, that happens a lot just in life, so I don't know why I'd expect anything less. Well, apparently, I just really wanted to use my blog to talk about a completely arbitrary topic. That just tells me that I'm really subconsciously trying to use this as a study tool. Maybe I should? Anyways. The weather has been really beautiful. Just so perfect. If this is how it was in Santa Barbara always, well, I don't know if I'd really want to leave. That's a dramatization, actually. I don't think I could really stay for much longer, even if the weather was perfect. There's no Lilo here. Okay this has been great.

You once showed much promise.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

Shwoop.

I think girls are very interesting. Just too weird. I don't get it. Hm.

Tiword.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. So tired. Daniel was right, it is like I just have roommates and not friends. I mean, he didn't put it that way. But still, it does seem like it at times. Like tonight. I just want it to be Thanksgiving already. I need this Black Studies paper to write itself. The History 8 paper needs to write itself too. Also if those Geography 148 projects could be completed, I'd be totally okay with that too. At least I just have 4 weeks left in this quarter. My, how fall quarter flies. But when I do go home, what am I even gonna do with myself? Is it even going to feel like home? It hasn't lately at all. I just don't really know. That's okay. God will get me through this.

My mother is an atheist, if I stay out late she won't get pissed.

So what is it? Is it because my parents hardly talk to me anymore? And then when I call them out on it, it's "We just don't know when to call, you're so busy...". Or is it because I wanted that last year and now that it's happening, I don't want it. Or maybe it's the fact that I always call them and when I do, it's like pulling teeth, like I'm the mom, like it's a chore to talk to me. Or maybe it's because they're pulling away and I know when I go home, it's going to get turned around on me and it'll be because I'm Christian, because I have this new family and I'm the one that is falling out. Maybe it's because it's always that tone she gets. Always so bitter and hard. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel so useless at Sarah House, unsure of how to reach out to these older, sick people, who don't want to talk. Especially since Margaret's attitude is so much more fake and I can't be that. Or maybe it's because I'm doing the whole self pity thing. Or it could be because everyone else in this home seems to have wonderful relationships with their families, who send them random gift bags and postcards just cause. I just think that it's crazy that God provided this home for me, this place full of love and people who care. If I didn't have this right now, I'd be the loneliest girl on the planet. My parents have just let go. Which is what I wanted. But I want them to be involved. I want them to be happy to talk to me. I don't want to always have to be the one that calls, that puts on a fake happy voice when I can tell there's resistance. I just need to keep praying and praying and praying. I can't let these thoughts take over me. I can't think of how it's going to be when I go home. When I'll be thinking of how uncomfortable I am, how they'll think I'm pushing away, that I'm the one that wants to be with people that are Christian. If it weren't for these girls, showing me His love right now, where would I even be? I'd be clinging to my parents who don't give a shit about me. Or maybe they'd be babying me and I'd have absolutely no real sense of truth. I don't know. I don't know what I need right now. I just want to sit and cry and not move and take my hair down and cry and sing maybe and then just wake up to tomorrow, so that I'm one step closer to the weekend. Why am I dreading tonight so much? Why do I feel so insufficient? I know what I have to do, the person I'm supposed to be and right now it's just a little hard to swallow? No, it shouldn't be that way. Get out of this. Now.

I'm not going to pussyfoot this.

When I wake up tomorrow, it will be Wednesday THEN Thursday. Then I go home. And squeeze Lilo. Take a nice shower. Work out. Eat good food. What else? Sleep in a full sized bed. Do laundry. Enjoy nice weather. Oh how the time flies. Ughh I really hope my TA tomorrow doesn't pick on me so intensely like he did last week then accuse me of texting, which never happened. Sometimes 50 minutes seems so short. Other times, it feels like the longest hour of my life. I'm going to try to drive to class tomorrow since I don't have work due to furlough days. Then I can come back and kinda just catch up, relax, eat lunch and then go back. I'll have a break from 10-2 which is what, 4 hours? Sad that I'll be short on those hours for work. Bleh. Mandana came here last night. We goofed around for a while at the end of the night and I think Sammy was weirded out by us... huh. I watched The Notebook with 4 of my housemates tonight and it was lovely. Quite the romantic movie, I must say. I told Sammy that movies like The Notebook are bad for me and all womanhood. It just plants unrealistic ideas into our minds about romance and relationships that just isn't how it works in reality. Love is love and it's amazing and wonderful but NO it's not like the movies because nothing is ever like the movies. It's just not. College is never like the movies say it is. Lots of things aren't like the movies say they are and yes, I stand firm when I say that movies such as The Notebook are damaging in the sense that girls will watch it and expect things that truly don't exist. That's all. I woke up abruptly last night and now I have a cold sore. Thanks a lot. I also still have a cough. And back problems? Can't it just be Thursday 5:30pm already? Come early, please come.

All glory honor power is Yours, amen.

I'm buried to my neck with homework and I just don't know how it will all get done. But I love him and not doing any work this weekend was worth it. Also, I need to sleep well. I haven't gotten a good nights rest in over a week. Splendid. Okay really, time to get the ball rolling here.