Chaiyya chaiyya.

I can't believe that tomorrow is Wednesday! Yeeeeah, that is good news. I love that about school. How the days just burn on by. Last night, I met a handful of sweet and warm girls. Tomorrow, I will be having lunch with Annika, ain't that a fun name? Annika rhymes with Shaneequa, for pronunciation confusion purposes. Today, my Indian Cinema professor dropped the F bomb twice. In referring to the fact that the main British meal is now an Indian dish and how certain Indians completely denounce their Indian-ity and call themselves British. "Those fucking Paki's"...something or other was said here... "They fucking will say...". Oh, it was kinda weird to hear such a man incorporate profanity into his intellectual dialect.

I had no idea it's a Bollywood movie until this first number sprang on us. 

The gist: a man falls in love with a woman who barely speaks one word to him. He works for the radio, she's a terrorist. And they live happily ever after.

Actually, I don't know if that last part is actually true considering we didn't get to finish the movie... Wait, don't I have class from 12:30 to 3:30? And we started right away, yeah? Yup, it's THAT long.

Anyways, I have homework to attend to. I miss a few. I feel blessed. Chocolate covered cranberries are much too addicting for my own good. 

End scene.

My First Crush.

Don't undermine my new resolution.

Environmental professor seems great.

He looks like somebody, can't put my finger on it.

I just love learning, and notes, and seeing the passion in speakers.

Went to the UCen, had lunch.

Quickly did some dishes, took out the trash.

Called a cab to pick me up.

Smelled like a dirty, dirty ashtray of a vegas casino hell.

The train ride home felt longer than ever.

Plus delays.

5 and 1/2 hours long...

Luckily, Trevor Borden? Last name? came on the Santa Barbara stop.

We talked for the majority of the time til Union Station.

Such a cool kid.

He started showing me pictures from his travels towards the end of his ride.

But I feel like he got off on the wrong stop, the one before Union Station...

I hope that worked out okay for him.

Yikes.

Then some older gent sat next to me til Irvine.

He had a twitch in his eye that created a lot of momentum.

My seat would move on his eye twitching spasms.

My dad was so happy to see me.

He was hanging on my every word.

I told him that my heart lies in the city.

He said he could see that for me.

And that felt good.

Lilo remembered me!

Not that I didn't think she would, or anything.

She just never gives me a warm welcome.

Well, she was hopping up on me and loving me.

Overstuffed myself with home cooked food.

Worked out with Mandana.

She told me of her possible plans to move to NY?

Working for the legal dept. of  a designer/fashion.

She has connections that are helping her out.

I hope it works out for her.

My bed feels good.

Quiet feels good.

Lilo walking in the hallway, her nails skidding the wood, sounds good.

I'm tired.

Haircut tomorrow.

And, it's so hot here.

What kind of September day is 90 degrees?

She'll make you breakfast, she'll make you toast.

And this song, especially in THIS version, you know what?

It gets me.

Lye la lye.

I wonder why I was given certain traits. 

Here are a few:

Reading others- usually, I can feel out vibes off of people really well.

Listening- I'm pretty good at this.

Culinary Skills- To me, making food is like working in a chem lab.

Emotionally in check- sometimes, a little too in check to where I make emotion based decisions. It's a work in progress.

Organization- I like knowing where things are.

Poor feet- this ones weird. I blister much too easily which results in this question at least thrice a month,  "Are you limping?"

Poorly clotting blood- Von Willebrand Disease gives me character, right?

Public speaking- This is actually something I can do rather well, which surprises me still.

Cold sores- Thanks Mom. These bastards show up when I'm stressed and lacking proper sleep. Basically, when my immune system is low, this cruel notification surfaces. You betchya I got one yesterday afternoon. Carmex, anyone? Uhhhh, this is unfortunate.

Left brained- I analyze well. And, I love algebra. 

Right brained- What? How can you be both? Well I am. I appreciate the arts and its various spectrums to a great deal.

Well, now I feel as though I'm just making a list of what I can do and what I have wrong with me. No, I merely just was commenting on a few features that have been issued to me. And how each of these little strange things compile into me and my individualism. Then, I started thinking of how each person with their mannerisms, Christian and non Christian, who comes into my life is planned and placed there by God. And how each relationship is foreseen. Now this, this absolutely fascinates me. 

"Each of us is unrepeatable, a unique bearer and reflector of the glory of God. Nobody else can reflect God's light in exactly the same way as you can. But none of us is an independent person. We live in a web of dependencies, not only on God, but also on a world of people, including people who preceded us... The fact is that we are distinct persons created for communion, and we are a communion created to honor personal differences."

(Jasmine just read this to me, without her knowing anything of what I was writing. Instances of these kinds have been occurring very frequently lately.)

Also, the Screwtape Letters are quite good and am looking forward to reading more.

Anyway, I'm just here. Being me. That's all I got here.

Well, they'll take your soul if you let them.

These past 3 days have been ... intriguing. 

Living alone isn't really that bad, it's just not being in love with my environment that throws me off. Also, my dad's opinions. And what I'm meant to study or pursue. And my observance of: how much I looove cities vs. my lack of love for the beach, especially swimming in oceans. Living on campus is going to be challenging, which I knew in the beginning but I mean, I just didn't anticipate it as much. I felt very isolated and immobile inside my apartment so I just had to get out even if it meant a 2 and half hour commute that would take 15 minutes by car. Ah, my car. Now I'm at Westmont and all is good again. I'm happy, laughing from my gut and rebooting. I needed this so badly. Diana is my best friend. Jasmine is wholesome and refreshing. Daniel is perfect. Tomorrow can only be better. 

Yeah, everybody leaves if they get the chance.

The car is packed to the rim, the closet is scarce and I've said my goodbyes.

But it still doesn't feel real.

I keep listening to the sounds of my house.

Like, my sister brushing her teeth.

Lilo snoring.

My mom's footsteps down the hallway that tell me she's wearing her blue slippers.

What's it going to be like to not hear these things every night, as it's been for all my life?

Yeah, it's starting to get real deep.

I know its only 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours of a drive.

I know I can come home whenever I want to.

I know I have Diana close to me.

I know I signed up for it.

I know it's supposed to be really pleasurable. 

But this is my first time ever being apart from my family.

And I'm the baby of the crew.

And I genuinely love my home.

And I don't know one soul at my school.

And I won't have my car.

With that said, I feel really composed.

I feel like I'm ready to be independent rather than just have a sense of it.

I feel like I need this experience to grow.

I feel like it's going to be difficult and pressing.

I feel like there will be so much about my school that I will not agree with.

I feel like I'm secure enough with myself to make the best of it.

Also, I feel like what I'm beginning to go through spiritually is of much more worth.

And because of that particular feeling, you know what I think of this whole going off to college thing?

It's in the bag.

Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars...

Feeling spacey.

Red glow. Baby stars at the top of this nebula contain radiation that withers away the shape of the cloud over millllllions of years. Why's it red? That would be the hydrogen gas glowing from ultraviolet light.

Colliding galaxies!

The Lagoon Nebula: Many a stars are born here. Stars, like that beaming red one in the corner, tend to blow tunnel shaped clouds of dust. Stardust, as it were. 

The Hubble Ultra Deep Field: deepest picture ever taken of the universe. Those bright spots? Yeah, those are galaxies.

Annnnnd I'm spent.

Water water on the seeds.

There's a lot more to get into right now.

About today's events.

I don't feel like going any further.

In short, there were a series of events that resulted in happiness, hurt, crying, understanding, peace, loneliness and calm.

I understand this is rather abrupt.

That's all.

He'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds.

I've just gotten back from taking Lilo on a drive. We used to do that a lot. I'd drive around Canyon Crest and have her sit on my lap. She usually puts her paws on the window and takes in the air. Her ears relax and I can just tell she feels like she's in her element. I had some Ray Charles going and I got a little sad. If I'm going to miss anything like crazy, it's going to be my fat-squished nosed-snorting-affectionate-bat-human-cat of a dog. 

I've also decided to let my mother take full control on this whole situation because it's just not going to be peaceful any other way AND a) sometimes I just have to let go of what I can't perfect b) maybe it's not supposed to be perfect c) I don't want to look back on these last days and regret. Today, I clipped an almost dramatic episode by the bud. I could sense it building so I took a deep breath, didn't react. Instead I just grabbed her tightly and hugged it out.

I saw Brittney today and it was so good! I went over to her house, we talked, she made me a grilled cheese and ham wrap, we baked sugar cookies, talked more. She's such a beautiful woman. When she walked me to her door, I almost cried and I had to just not look at her because I couldn't. make. eye. contact. Yeah, I plan on seeing her on Friday night and as I'm in school. I don't know what possessed me to feel emotional right at that moment. I've been really sensitive lately, alright?

Last night, I wrote an essay for Maaneli and stayed up pretty late as I was writing it. But, it was a good exercise for me to remember how to get back into the groove of homework. 4 months, has it been? Ouch. She decided to thank me by coming home before going into work at 7am, entering my bedroom, kissing my forehead and talking to me about coats? That last part is pretty hazy. 

One more thing, I've noticed random people coming out of the woodwork calling/texting me to hangout within the last day I'm home. Brian from italian? Chris Wakefield? Taylor? Karen Spain? Just kidding about Karen. I've actually been looking forward to seeing her and we're meeting up tomorrow afternoon, which is makes me so happy. 

And, as I was taking a nap today on accident. I had an odd dream. I was on state street alone. I was on the phone with Daniel. I had a coffee in my hand as I walked into a store. Then I walked out, recognized that I had someone else's coffee that was cold and not at all a coffee. It tasted like a hot green tea gone cold with only the backwash last few sips left. BUT it still felt heavy like the weight of a full drink. Then it quickly became dark and foggy. Daniel was still on the phone with me and told me to walk 3 blocks to to find Diana at the shuttle stop. Then I woke up. What?

In his head, it's like the weather.

SERENITY NOW. 

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that?

Oh, Teen Witch.

Thank you.

You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

I just watched Entourage from last night.

A few elements that made me happy:

-Mark Wahlberg

-Giovanni Ribisi

-Phoenix: If I Ever Feel Better 

Very nice.

we'll pay them double not to look at you for a while.

I am so restless right now. I didn't really exert much energy today which is not good because the end of the night rolls around and then I just can't relax! I might look mellow to anyone walking past my bedroom right now but no, underneath the facade I'm ready to do 4 sets 10 of cartwheels off my walls. Too bad the gym is closed. And too bad that it's eerily quiet down my street and running in the dark seems wrong? Well, what shall I do? I should just make myself go to sleep so that when I wake up I can start off my Monday by rigorous physical exertion. Yeah. I was watching some of Romeo + Juliet (you know, Baz Luhrman's rendition) this evening. It was an accident. I turned on the tv and after some scrolling, I saw it on the guide and somehow it was selected. Luckily, it was in the beginning when Romeo's sitting at Venice beach and you hear Radiohead meandering in the background. Well, I just couldn't walk away from that. I sat there until the end of the pool scene where Juliet drops Romeo her cross from the balcony, which isn't that long after all. I could have watched the whole thing but I stopped myself. asdlkadkdskljsa. I forget how much my female heart appreciates lovey-dovey films every now and then. Okay that's good.

I see it comin'.

My neck hurts.

Stardust may be cheesy/Princess Bride-esque BUT it's also romantic, magical and heartwarming.

Shouldn't we be focusing on the plus sides rather than the shortcomings, anyways?

It's weird to think that this time next week, I will be moved out.

It's even MORE odd to think of myself school-less at this time of year.

(I mean, technically this is inaccurate. I'm clearly talking about physical attendance in a classroom/homework/dreading alarm clocks/parking anxieties [mostly at OCC]... oh man, if I'm getting into anxieties at OCC I should hate to leave out traffic blockades.)

>>>>That reminds me of the time I was driving home after a final in the morning and there was an unusually large amount of traffic at 10am on the 405 south. Before I knew it, my car was directly stuck behind the scene of an accident. The lane to the right of me was whizzing by while cars behind me managed to inch themselves out. I was petrified and thought for a second that if I even attempted to merge into the rushing blur of cars that I would only contribute to the fresh wreck displayed in front of me. It was awful and now I'm done with that tangent.

I hope tomorrow starts off as cloudy as the past few days have been.

I love California gloom. 

I mean, I guess it's all I know, isn't it?

Give me rain, clouds and dark days and I am a happy girl.

Cuteness is my call, not yours.

new york craigslist > manhattan > rooms & shares

$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (Upper West Side)
Reply to: hous-834022781@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 1:44PM EDT

I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment on the picturesque and desirable Upper West Side. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.

The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.

Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat “biscuits”.

I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.

Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.

You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, “Smuggins” is cute but “Lionel” is not.

The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don’t get your hopes up.

Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.

If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:

1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies

Thank you.

86 at B’way

* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 834022781

Any daaaay now.

Basically, one of my top 4 favorite Bobby D songs covered.

Wonderful.

And we'll become.

Tonight was not as I expected.

You know, when you don't plan things, either it can go really well or really terribly.

Well, neither of the two occurred. 

I mean, I was going to have friends over tonight to hang out, have some snacks, reminisce on better days, say farewell of sorts and drink champagne.

Not having Maaneli around, Natalia couldn't make it, Nicole had class in the morning, Brittney got off of work at 11... well, it just wouldn't cut it for me.

So I called it off.

But. 

I did have my sister and her best friend over.

And we drank champagne.

I was kind of quiet all night.

And am still a little introverted.

Usually, when I drink champagne, I feel bubbly/free spirited/optimistic of sorts?

This time I just felt lost in thought.

Thinking of: how amazingly generous and trusting my parents are, how much I'll truly miss them, how ridiculously intelligent my sister is, how she becomes radiant when she speaks of things that rile her up, how I'll deal with being lonely, how I am so in love with Lilo and her needy qualities that I play into much too often.

Last night, I had a slight emotional break down. I was reading in the bible and something triggered my thinking to shift towards death. Mine. Those who I love. It's just a lot. I can't think about it without developing a lump in my throat. Not as though this is something that I just seriously took notice of, I've definitely attempted at wrapping my brain around it before but it always results in me crying. A lot. It's something I really need to work on. Luckily, I had Diana to give me soothing words and calm me down, as usual. She is great at that. Really, I just need truth and I need peace. 

Speaking of the bible, I got Daniel's from his house today. His bible is much more engaging than I assumed it would be. As soon as I opened it, I just wanted to read every detail and explanation offered. I found myself reading about 3-4 pages in a half hour. It's rather captivating.

Seeing his mom made me miss him so much! We could only talk briefly because she had an engagement to attend to but it was great to talk even if it was short lived. She wants to get together this week to have some coffee or yogurt and I'm so excited! In all of my 2 and a 1/2 relationships, I have never felt such a warmth from a boyfriends mother. I could just go on and on about how kind she is to me. 

Hm, well tomorrow is Saturday and exactly one week until I am off into the land of Santa's and Barbarians. I think I will see Nicole and Natalia. I hope, at least. I have a feeling this week is going to rush past me in a dizzying rate. 

Daniel, I miss you and wish I could just kiss you. That one kiss would be satisfying. 

Okay, yeah.

A Saucerful of Secrets.

So as I'm sitting here watching the fast forwarded version of the VMA's so that I can see glimpses of my sister (yes, front row in royal blue... can't be missed) I can't help but wonder why I'm still awake. I got ready for bed around 9pm, hoping to get shut eye at 10:30 but it's juuuust not happening right now. I'm trying this new thing where I partake in regular sleeping hours, voluntary exercise and the consumption of food that won't make me subconsciously guilty, which, you see, isn't very new because I used to be ridiculously smashing at this whole nutritious bit, but I'll call it new for the sake of this post. Well, I did jog over three miles today and that's pretty cool, you know? I will toot my own horn because it was not an easy feat. Consider my horn tooted. This is going to be a long one... the post, not the toot.

In other news, I think I have decided to change my major. I applied to UC's under psychology because really, I just had two or three psych courses with top notch grades that ultimately just looked good. I mean, I do really love the subject, I absolutely will always be fascinated with human thought and process. It's just that the only thing I could take with this is to continue to get my PhD and therefore go into teaching. Initially, that sounded lovely and great. Initially. Then I got to thinking and yeah, I love school, I'm pretty good at it and I thrive in knowing that I'm learning what I love but honestly, I don't want to be tied down for THAT long. I don't want to wait to have kids when I'm in my 30s. I know that these days, it's all the rage to be a high powered woman who leaves the marriage and children for last. I get that. I just don't want to be that woman. I want to be fulfilled in my career AND be in love AND have children.  A while ago, I had a vision of creating a non profit organization and working in ways that are ultimately just giving and aiding. All of my life I've just wanted to help those in need and be useful but I don't want to be a nurse and I've already seriously considered medical school. Is it wild to think that I could create this makeshift plan and actually make a difference? I guess that anyone can attempt at foundations, charities and what have yous but I really want to make an impact and I absolutely believe it in myself that I have what it takes. I hope I don't come off as high and mighty or presumptuous but I've always had this calling. I just need to know how to utilize it. And now I will get to the point being, my major will probably change to Global and International Studies. With this degree, I can prepare for exactly what I need for management, cultural ideologies, public service and hopefully add another language to my belt. So that's where I stand as of right now. 

Other than that, I've actively decided that I want to know and understand what God means to me.  Yes, I have always believed in a God but that was the extent of my belief. I've come to a point where I feel like I'm mature and capable enough to figure it out for myself. I've been reading the bible my parents picked up from Embassy Suites, our first home in Orange County where I noticed my first bible and asked a trademark of a question, "Mom... what's a holy bib-l?" Thankfully, they've raised me to make this resolution on my own terms so whatever this leads to, I technically shouldn't have to worry that it would hinder their judgements on me. I don't know what anything means. I'm so new to any of this. I just know I'm open. I'm opening my heart to all that is good. And that can't be bad.

Orange, Twig, and Beneath.

This (extended) weekend has been more fulfilling than I ever would have expected. It'll be kinda weird to go home because I know how much I'll miss Diana, Jasmine, the beautiful trees... well, everything. I was telling her, it's like I've been at the summer camp I never had and no one at home will understand what it was like other than who was with me. Westmont does not feel like any other college I've been to. It's just so much more personal on every level. I guess, that could be a great thing on most days and harder on others. Anyway, I had moments where I was thrown out of my comfort zone and it's been stimulating, I think I'll call it. I've laughed harder than I have in weeks, if not months. I've had time to be alone and independent but I still have a lot of sorting out that I need to do. Which actually, I like to do. Kind of like untangling a necklace. The one that you find at the bottom of your backpack or purse that you absentmindedly forgot about and is tangled with something else, like earrings or another chain. Or it's the one that you knew was knotted and impossibly frustrating to look at so you just leave it in its state because getting involved takes too much work and time. But, when it's all fixed, it's amazingly gratifying. Something like that. The one thing I will not miss about being here is eating really unhealthily. I can't deal with that. Seriously, my stomach cannot hang. Regardless, I'll be back out here in ohh, 12 days. Ah. I'm so excited for my life. In the words of the Carpenters (actually, Paul Willams), we've (and by we've, clearly, I mean I) only just begun to liiiiiiiiive.

For british eyes only.

I don't know why I choose to drink coffee past 5pm. It's always a bad call. I've had a really charming 2 days in Santa Barbara. This town is incredibly beautiful. Every person that I've met has been so warm and welcoming. Also, I had a feeling that once I got into town I'd be hearing about my roommate assignment and what do ya know! Of couuuurrsee. Heather and I have been corresponding via email all weekend. A junior transfer from Valencia, an art major and an avid lover of Miyazaki films, Heather really enjoys a nice plate of caesar salad. I'm not sure what to expect but I think it will be quite amusing, to say the least. Well, I'm off to continue watching Arrested Development with some delightful folks. 

You look like my barbie.

I don't know how I feel.

I'm in Santa Barbara. I love it. I love Diana. I love her roommate. I love her room. I love The Holiday. 

One of the most frustrating things is not being able to verbalize how you're feeling.

Your eyelashes tickled my neck with every nervous blink.

I have massive shin splints. It's chilling. The mere thought of putting down my heel, applying pressure and rolling onto my toes makes me cringe. I pushed myself too hard on the last leg of my run yesterday and KNEW I'd pay. Hard and fast impact on cement is just asking for pain. 

Tomorrow, I will be taking my first ever train expedition to my future home away from home.

I'm looking forward to spending 5 days and 4 nights with my fast friend and surrogate boyfriend. Diana! 

I've been thinking about this quote a lot recently:

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, 

it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing. 

sylvia plath

That girl is poison.

I miss playing the piano. Lately, I've been going through old photographs with my mom and there are so many of my sisters and I at the piano bench. I mean I had lessons up until 4 years ago. Weird how quickly you lose practice in 4 years. It kills me. I'll pick it up again one day, I have no doubt about that. 

It was nice seeing Anne Cynn last night.

She is such a positive burst of energy.

I'm about to embark on a morning jog.

Then hopefully, some comprare per la mia camera a scuola. 

Mandana comes home tonight! I'm so glad.

I think Maaneli is also going to come by after work.

The three of us together usually results in all of us laying on someone's bed talking about any and everything. 

On that note, never trust a big butt and a smile.

You're welcome.

Oh golly gee, I think you're dreamy.

This song has made put me into an affectionate and sweet mood. I coincidentally stumbled upon these photos as I was listening to the tune. Yes, it's almost as though I captured freeze frames from what I imagine the music video would be. I'm not sure where all this romance stemmed from but, it's nice to feel fanciful every now and again. 

And now, I'm off to play a game of tennis with my dad.  I know, I'm acting all schmaltzy but after some competitive rallying and ruthless trash talk, the sentiment may just pass.