Can I make it better with the lights turned on?

So this is it. In 40 minutes or so, I'll be taking my last final at UCSB. I have hardly studied for it. Maybe given it a half hour of serious thought. Well, then. It's just up to God now. I'm a little anxious that I'll completely fudge it up, that the essays will be completely obscure questions that I can't bullshit through. No. It's gonna be fine. It has to be. It's the last one. I have to write these two essays like my life depended on it. Lord, please bring me to a place where I can reiterate all that needs to be said in order to be successful in this exam. Take it from here. Thank you. Amen.

Then: subleasing, packing packing packing packing. Home.

Sometimes I can't believe it. I'm movin past the feelin' again.

Instead of starting off by giving some sorry excuse for why I haven't posted anything, I'll just save it. I'll just write. The recap will come naturally.

I have 10 days left before I'm officially done with my undergraduate career. I mean, technically, I have another class to take for 6 weeks in June. But that's just one class. I'll already have walked with the rest of my graduating class. I can't believe it. 4 years. I remember just starting college thinking, wow, I cannot believe I'm going to a junior college, I've let myself down. And now, I'm graduating from a 4 year university. On time. I didn't let myself down. I think that's what I was worried about. That I'd turn into everyone else. I really don't know anyone else who started off at a junior college in Orange County and graduated on time. (I guess this is just me shamelessly giving props to myself?) The thing is, a sociology degree isn't going to get me far. But man, was it great. I LOVED all my classes. Deviant Behavior, Global Conflicts, Sex Love and God, Social Change in Latin America, Mead's Pragmatism, Studying People, Sociology of Family, Revolutions and Social Movements in Latin America. I've had a strange emphasis on Latin America. One day, I'll figure out why that is. I'm seriously going to miss the material I learned in all those classes. For my Global Conflicts midterm, I had to come up with a resolution to Israel and Palestine. That was the best assignment I've ever had. In Studying People, I had the chance to people watch at my favorite coffee shop, that I practically lived at. I mean, it's been work. But it's been so enjoyable at the same time.

And my house. Oh, my house. How homey it truly feels. I will definitely miss that big, big house with all my housemates and all the love they poured out onto me. Always. Now if only I could find a subleaser for the summer. That'd be GREAT. But really, I can't believe I survived living with 10 girls. For almost 10 months. Wow. I mean, I know I've spent a lot of weekends away. Maybe that's what saved me. But it was so good for me, regardless. It was so, so good for me. I'll miss that.

Finding out my mom has cancer again was a low blow. I never, ever, ever thought that would happen. Again. In her liver. And bones. She's too weak for it. Her spirit is strong, her mind is strong. Her body, I just don't know. She's 55 turning 56 in July. She's the strongest person I've ever met. Over any man or woman. She truly is a tough, tough person. I just, there's something really heartbreaking about this. It's like we all know that she's much older now and no one will ever say it out loud. Not one of my family members will want to think anything bad. We can't. My dad won't let us. We have to be positive, at all costs. For her minds sake. He's doing a great job. No longer does he resent her like he did. When he'd be bitter towards her for her unreasonable facebook addiction. It's not like that anymore. Maaneli thinks he's really scared this time. I think we all are. She's taking darvocet for her back pain. And she's looooving it. She knows she's addicted. We talked about it. It was kind of a joke. I asked her, what about when she gets immune to it? She knows what will happen. She talked about weed. I cannot even believe that's something she and my dad are seriously considering. Last time, that wasn't at all an idea. She hated taking oxycontin for pete's sake. I've come home this weekend to spend time with her. I know I'm moving home for good in 10 days, but it doesn't matter. Last night, I laid in bed with her as she was falling asleep. I just listened to her breathe. She grabbed my wrist and just held it there. She was so peaceful. Then she started snoring and I laughed. I left her alone. When I got into my own bed, I just broke down in tears. I haven't cried for her since I first found out. She still has her hair. I think when that changes, when she starts feeling the effects of the chemo or cucumber, as she calls it, that's when it'll feel more real. To all of us.

When I was at Real Life two weeks ago, the minister Brit spoke. He spoke of his daughters cancer. And how he had to tell God that no matter what, he understood that his love for God was more than his love for his daughters. That sometimes, God allows for these things to happen to test us so that we can show Him that he's more important. I found it really ironic that I was there, listening to that. I hadn't been in church in months. I'm not sure if I'm ready for something that heavy. I know it's not up to me to think I'm ready or not. If He thinks I'm ready, I must be. I just can't understand right now. I don't think I'm spiritually strong enough. I really have no idea.

All I know is that when I started college, I had just found out my mom was sick. Now, as I'm ending college, it's the same. I'm so glad to be able to be here for her. If I had gone away sooner or later, who knows what could have happened.

Regardless, this is only just the beginning of it all. I know there are great things ahead. Nyrie blesses me always. My relationships with Maaneli and Mandana have matured exponentially and they're my greatest, best friends. Lilo is still, sweet sweet Lilo. I might have a job when I get home. Hot yoga. All things Mike. I get to play around in my room and make it mine again. I'll be a college graduate. The world will be at my front door.

Well, they'll stone you when you're tryin' to be so good.

This is ridiculous. 4 months? Actually, it makes sense. Winter Break. Winter Quarter. 5 classes. Understood. Ironically, I have one final left and here I am, typing away. Knowing I should really be memorizing Mead's Pragmatism theories. You know, how science and technology will save the world! I totally agree. Mostly. There's the whole idealism sitch, where he likes to knock Christianity, which actually, that happens a lot just in life, so I don't know why I'd expect anything less. Well, apparently, I just really wanted to use my blog to talk about a completely arbitrary topic. That just tells me that I'm really subconsciously trying to use this as a study tool. Maybe I should? Anyways. The weather has been really beautiful. Just so perfect. If this is how it was in Santa Barbara always, well, I don't know if I'd really want to leave. That's a dramatization, actually. I don't think I could really stay for much longer, even if the weather was perfect. There's no Lilo here. Okay this has been great.

You once showed much promise.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

We just want more.

I won't give more.

Shwoop.

I think girls are very interesting. Just too weird. I don't get it. Hm.

Tiword.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. So tired. Daniel was right, it is like I just have roommates and not friends. I mean, he didn't put it that way. But still, it does seem like it at times. Like tonight. I just want it to be Thanksgiving already. I need this Black Studies paper to write itself. The History 8 paper needs to write itself too. Also if those Geography 148 projects could be completed, I'd be totally okay with that too. At least I just have 4 weeks left in this quarter. My, how fall quarter flies. But when I do go home, what am I even gonna do with myself? Is it even going to feel like home? It hasn't lately at all. I just don't really know. That's okay. God will get me through this.

My mother is an atheist, if I stay out late she won't get pissed.

So what is it? Is it because my parents hardly talk to me anymore? And then when I call them out on it, it's "We just don't know when to call, you're so busy...". Or is it because I wanted that last year and now that it's happening, I don't want it. Or maybe it's the fact that I always call them and when I do, it's like pulling teeth, like I'm the mom, like it's a chore to talk to me. Or maybe it's because they're pulling away and I know when I go home, it's going to get turned around on me and it'll be because I'm Christian, because I have this new family and I'm the one that is falling out. Maybe it's because it's always that tone she gets. Always so bitter and hard. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel so useless at Sarah House, unsure of how to reach out to these older, sick people, who don't want to talk. Especially since Margaret's attitude is so much more fake and I can't be that. Or maybe it's because I'm doing the whole self pity thing. Or it could be because everyone else in this home seems to have wonderful relationships with their families, who send them random gift bags and postcards just cause. I just think that it's crazy that God provided this home for me, this place full of love and people who care. If I didn't have this right now, I'd be the loneliest girl on the planet. My parents have just let go. Which is what I wanted. But I want them to be involved. I want them to be happy to talk to me. I don't want to always have to be the one that calls, that puts on a fake happy voice when I can tell there's resistance. I just need to keep praying and praying and praying. I can't let these thoughts take over me. I can't think of how it's going to be when I go home. When I'll be thinking of how uncomfortable I am, how they'll think I'm pushing away, that I'm the one that wants to be with people that are Christian. If it weren't for these girls, showing me His love right now, where would I even be? I'd be clinging to my parents who don't give a shit about me. Or maybe they'd be babying me and I'd have absolutely no real sense of truth. I don't know. I don't know what I need right now. I just want to sit and cry and not move and take my hair down and cry and sing maybe and then just wake up to tomorrow, so that I'm one step closer to the weekend. Why am I dreading tonight so much? Why do I feel so insufficient? I know what I have to do, the person I'm supposed to be and right now it's just a little hard to swallow? No, it shouldn't be that way. Get out of this. Now.

I'm not going to pussyfoot this.

When I wake up tomorrow, it will be Wednesday THEN Thursday. Then I go home. And squeeze Lilo. Take a nice shower. Work out. Eat good food. What else? Sleep in a full sized bed. Do laundry. Enjoy nice weather. Oh how the time flies. Ughh I really hope my TA tomorrow doesn't pick on me so intensely like he did last week then accuse me of texting, which never happened. Sometimes 50 minutes seems so short. Other times, it feels like the longest hour of my life. I'm going to try to drive to class tomorrow since I don't have work due to furlough days. Then I can come back and kinda just catch up, relax, eat lunch and then go back. I'll have a break from 10-2 which is what, 4 hours? Sad that I'll be short on those hours for work. Bleh. Mandana came here last night. We goofed around for a while at the end of the night and I think Sammy was weirded out by us... huh. I watched The Notebook with 4 of my housemates tonight and it was lovely. Quite the romantic movie, I must say. I told Sammy that movies like The Notebook are bad for me and all womanhood. It just plants unrealistic ideas into our minds about romance and relationships that just isn't how it works in reality. Love is love and it's amazing and wonderful but NO it's not like the movies because nothing is ever like the movies. It's just not. College is never like the movies say it is. Lots of things aren't like the movies say they are and yes, I stand firm when I say that movies such as The Notebook are damaging in the sense that girls will watch it and expect things that truly don't exist. That's all. I woke up abruptly last night and now I have a cold sore. Thanks a lot. I also still have a cough. And back problems? Can't it just be Thursday 5:30pm already? Come early, please come.

All glory honor power is Yours, amen.

I'm buried to my neck with homework and I just don't know how it will all get done. But I love him and not doing any work this weekend was worth it. Also, I need to sleep well. I haven't gotten a good nights rest in over a week. Splendid. Okay really, time to get the ball rolling here.

I'd rather be a sparrow than a sail.

One of those days where I wake up with a dry, sore throat, trip in front of dozens of people, spill coffee on my desk at work and then proceed to spill water on my shirt like my bottom lip has a hole. But I mean, the cool thing is that my trip was probably only a 30 second ordeal. 5 seconds to trip and 25 seconds to walk it off and have the people around me continue on and forget. Another cool thing is that my coffee spilled on one paper (that was being edited anyways) and only on that one paper. Not on the keyboard, not on the monitor or not even on an important document with Marisela's name on it. And the water spillage on my shirt, well no one saw (I think) and it faded within 30 minutes or less. Praise be to God for making the little things okay. But there is still that darned throat thing. OJ OJ OJ, vitamin C times 5. I think it has to do with a few things: I haven't been this tired everyday since I was a sophomore, I'm being exposed to new places like public transportation, meaning much more people and germs, everyone is sick at this school, I mean Swine flu outbreak everywhere so it could be trying to get me again, I haven't been exercising, meaning lack of immunity and also, this room gets cold and I have two large non-double paned windows by my head. It could be all of those things in one. It could also have to do with me stressing out the first few week, trying to organize myself and now that I'm calmed, I get sick, which tends to happen. I DO NOT WANT TO GET SICK. But if I do, what can I really do? I just have to deal. Which sucks. But I mean, I'm not going to die, I don't think and maybe I won't see Dan another weekend, but I mean it's not that bad, yeah? Fine. Another thing, I'm beginning to worry about the John's and David's from Casa Esperanza lunchtimes. Please God, let them be good men with hearts that are pure and good and not perverted. I have been just fine with this place up until now and I just don't want anything scary to happen. Sammy's home. YES. Heeeyyyy roomy.

My love.

And now its October. Where does the time even go? Am I really so busy that I can't write on here? I mean, I guess I am. Especially this week. The first real week of school. I had to get adjusted, figure things out. Get a feel for stuff. Updates: I'm taking the bus to school and its working out just great. I'm really happy with Daniel, even though I just sent him a snide text, I MIGHT have just blown everything. I love him too much for saying snide remarks. Uhh, certain roommates get on my nerves like no other. God help me be more tolerant, more patient, more empathetic. I completely nixed the radio participation stuff but then Ted kept coming into work and he makes me wanna do it so bad. He said I could always just sub. Which is true! Why don't I? I think I will. I mean, shoot, why not? I wish I had more time. I know I've made myself this busy. It seems like when you want to do so much, you can't do it all and then you have to choose. Again, you can't do it all. Let's see, hanging out with the Real Life boys was so nice. I missed Alex and Chris and Andy and so on. Going to Sarah House was amazing. Just like Debbie said, it was different but I know I'll have to give it time. Just like everything. It took me months to feel comfortable at AS. Now it's like home. I really love it, for the most part. Until I get ordered around by Claudia. I do not love that. For now, I just want to be close to God. I need the Lord. Regardless of how blessed I feel with my home, my relationships, my life, I still need Him and desire Him more than anything. To know that I was created on this earth as His child makes me soar. To know that he's watching over me, listening to me, waiting on me. I just want Him to come and take us all home. I love my life and I love my family, but I'm ready. If this is all good, it can only get better and I cannot imagine how much better it will be. But oh! How exciting!

Ohhhh, if I could make sense of it all.

Stressor # 1. It says that my books will not arrive until October 14th. 3 weeks into the quarter. Which is pretty much midterms.

Stressor #2. How am I going to park?

Stressor #3. How am I going to get from CHEM to Embarcadero Hall within 15 minutes?

Stressor #4. How am I going to get into all the classes I need this year?

Stressor #5. I'm feeling a cold sore develop.

Stressor #6. I've gained weight.

Stressor #7. I have broken out, I have 7 large pimples.

Stressor #8. What am I going to do about this weekend? I want to stay but I don't really want to stay. I want to go home but I don't really want to go home.

Stressor #9. Nicole and I have exchanged 3 words it seems like.

Stressor #10. I need my things from home.

Stressor #11. The shower head needs to be replaced pronto.

Stressor #12. My hair is so awkward.

Stressor #13. My journal is in my closet at home and this makes me veeerrryy anxious.

Stressor #14. This house is too quiet when no ones home.

Stressor #15. I need pillows.

Stressor #16. God protect my car.

Stressor #17. Where is there a Mobil?

Stressor #18. I need Jesus and growth.

Stressor #19. Why hasn't my boyfriend called me tonight? Actually this doesn't count. He doesn't need to hear me stress. I hate hearing myself stress so I'll spare him.

Stressor #20. The radio hours, will they get done? Will I get a show? Do I have time to do it? Can I commit to that?

It's like a valentine from your mother.

This is not how I expected it to be.

And they say that.

So now it's the end of the month and a few things have been established.

A) I will be returning to Santa Barbara.

B) Daniel and I will try the whole dating thing again.

C) My parents are still nutty.

Good. Just keeping things updated.

You're riding high in April, shut down in May.

I cannot believe that it's already August. I can't and refuse to believe it. I didn't even post anything in July! And I was probably less busy then I've ever been before in my life. Well, lets recap this summer. Pretty much, I had only one week of June. That consisted of unpacking and reorganizing my room. Then I got sick. That cold I fought off during finals week crept up and crippled me for a week and suddenly it was July. Just like that, SF for the 4th weekend. Then, American Idol audition with Britt and BAM sick again. Another week shed off. Took some time to reclaim my health and then began to volunteer as Mandana's bar exam accountability study partner. Kept her in check, encouraged, made breakfast, quizzed etc. This goes on for weeks. A few nights out with the girls occur here and there, nothing too extravagant. Introduction of corepoweryoga and it remains til this day! Also volunteered as Maaneli's homework aide and completed large projects due to the fact that she was spreading herself out too thin and hey, I'm a helpful kinda girl. And then, out of the blue, my health was STOLEN from me suddenly and I got slapped in the mouth with the SWINE. Miserable. 102 fever, shakes, pains, coughs, nausea. Took me about 2 weeks to recover. Continued to do all my volunteer work. Also throughout this time, in the back of my mind was, "Well, what am I going to do in the fall? Where am I supposed to be?" Then Mandana's exam, LA, praying for her to feel competent, peaceful and satisfied. Afterwards, family comes to visit for a week. Love love love. Then, time to sort out of my life. Calls, counseling appts, more calls and calls and emails and calls. Praying and praying. It's August. Praying praying. New car?!!!! Looks like all UCI/OCC doors are closing. UCSB appears to be the way that I'm supposed to follow. But is it right? Is it worth it? And if not, how do I tell the girls I'm out? Can I really be happy living at home? At the same time, can I really survive living in a home with 10 girls? I have 3 more days before my self created deadline. I can't put it off any longer. Right now, it seems like the UCSB direction is where I should stay. All the advice has pointed to that. I still have Chapman but I don't want to put my father in that amount of debt. For the next 3 days, I'm just waiting on the Lord. I will make a few more calls and then just wait on Him. I think I'm supposed to stay in SB only because I have this strong pull towards there. The same pull I initially felt when I made up my mind about medicine. I'm really just excited to be making a decision. I'm really looking forward to feeling stable and sure. To having a direction. I know that majoring in something that is of absolute no use to my major seems pointless but I have some ideas on how to make the whole experience work a la volunteering and doing hands on field work with health care. If i can't take the classes, at least I can get some experience. Daniel comes home in a week. I'll actually be in San Jose the day he comes home. Half of me is really bummed I won't be here for his arrival. Another half of me feels fine about it because I'd return 3 days later; enough for him to begin to settle in. That's good, right? Then that immediate pressure of "Hey! See me!" will be lifted. Then again, I hope it's not going be a bad thing that I'm not there, you know, a bad omen that I'm not there right when he gets in. Whatever. I can't think like that. I really miss him. I haven't heard his voice in over 2 months. I have no clue where we stand. I have no clue what will happen when he comes home. I have no clue what will happen if/when I go back to SB. Just like pretty much everything important in my life, I have no idea what is going to happen. I feel like I've kind of been at a stand still this whole summer. Just kinda waiting. Being quiet. And it all comes to a head within the next week. Week and a half. Well, I mean, not the Daniel thing. Or maybe that too? Who knows, he could come back and there could be absolutely no chemistry between us. And poof, it'll dwindle. Or we'll just continue to dabble. You know what, I don't know. I just do not know. All I know is that in a week, I get to see my grandparents. And then in September, I'm going to NY to see the VMA's courtesy of Mandana. You know, things might just be looking up after all. I just gotta keep my spirits lifted and wait on Him. He always takes care of me.

Dry cough.

It really is such a bummer to be sick in June. It's crappy, really. But then, I think about it and I think, would I rather be sick during school, during finals week? Uh... that happened too. But really, I'll take being sick at home versus at school. Even if I had more to keep me occupied and/or distracted. At least I get more rest, right?! But really, I just want to get my act together and have this summer be officially summer. But alas, I must wait for my health to be boosted up. 

Man, I've been wasting so much time...

Things I'd rather be doing than writing this paper:

Sleeping.

Watching The Wonder Years episodes online.

Showering.

Being at home.

- with Nicole, Britt and/or Natalia.

- sitting with Lilo on the couch, watching brainless tv.

- helping my sister study for the bar.

- driving.

Reading for leisure.

Doing yoga, going for a run, dancing.

Singing.

Sitting at Caje with Nyrie.

Listening to all the new releases on my laptop.

Kissing him -> my Kevin, the so called love of my life.

Straightening my hair.

Recording onto Garageband.

Working! Yeah, I know.

Vacuuming.

Burning all these books, articles, bullshit research I don't care about.

Talking to Heather about her hopes and fears.

Going out, having a drink or two and engaging in conversation.

Okay I think that's enough distraction Melody.

Get back.

And I will try not to sing outta key-aahh.

I love love love The Wonder Years. It just takes me back to summer days when my sister and I would do nothing but watch the awkward love dramas of Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper. I just can't help but think, where is my Kevin Arnold? Does he exist? Probably not. Thanks again, media, for planting unrealistic fantastical romance into my mind. That kinda shit ain't real! 

Maybe you're gone.

It's way too late to be awake.

This is college, right? Being up too late to write an essay?

Totalllyyyy.

I should just pull an all nighter, right?!

Well I won't.

If I do, I can be guaranteed a cold by tomorrow night.

Okay well at least I've written 2 solid pages. 

I'm really good at this, clearly.

I may be limpin but I'm coming home.

I will just distract myself. This is it. I burned 9 CDs onto my laptop today. SO good. Love that feeling. I think I will have a completely new and improved music library by the end of this KCSB career. In other news, I have essays upon midterms on top of group presentations towering over finals. Wonderful. ALSO, I have feelings for someone. Feeling this way makes me sick, literally, no appetite. Then I get ravenous. But mostly not hungry and really sick. That's a lie. I'm not at all having trouble with my appetite. I wish! No I don't. I'm just full of bullshit tonight. What else? I love Nyrie, she reminds me of family. And then this weather is crap. What the hell is this cloudy coldness in MAY?! I don't agree. Cold weather allows for me to be physically unmotivated. This summer will be one where I kick my own ass. And one where I help Mandana study for the bar exam. Basically, it'll be a not so much of a summer but just a catching up period, ya know? Yeah. YOU know. Okay. I really have to continue writing about Octamom and how the Angels in Waiting completely violated her privacy by talking to the media. According to Communication Privacy Management theory, they obviously violated the collective boundary. Right. Here it goes. C'mon 6 more pages. Do it do it do it.