All mixed up in the wash, hot water bleeding our colors.

It's weird how quickly relationships can form, disappear, strengthen or fade. Not just romantic but of course friendships as well. With me, I've always found comfort in having maybe 2 or 3 people that I would choose to surround myself with in comparison to a handful of acquaintances. Yeah, I prefer it that way. At the same time, I love meeting new people and sparking up conversations, I mean, who doesn't really? When I get into Santa Barbara, I have NO idea what to expect with the social aspect. I hope to meet a lot of interesting and captivating characters to insert into that chapter of my life.  Going in there not knowing anyone but Diana gives me this anxious feeling but I'm hoping it will pass with the experience taking flight. I miss her. She's in Yosemite and it feels like a month since I've seen/spoke to her. And it's only been 4 days, I think.  :[   Hm... anyway, I've been talking to Nicole about various friendship circles around us. Some that are completely bogus and fake. Almost just for show. Then there's some that are juvenile, yet probably real and true. If you're an adult, there comes a point in which you can't constantly be surrounded by your comrades due to the restrictions of responsibilities/jobs/priorities/pets/girlfriends/boyfriends/. I'm not saying once you reach 22, you have to immediately stop hanging out and grow up. However, it's not going to be the same as being 19 or even 20. And to fantasize that ideal would be a set up for disappointment. It's like that one guy who always wants it to be like old times, like high school or what have you. Okay, it probably won't ever be that way and just embrace the way it is now. The upsides to the age at present like being able to stay up past 1am and eating nutella for dinner. Maintaining friendships is clearly right and healthy but to not have the want of independence that is expected is just a little immature to me, I suppose. So there that is. I don't know where that came from. Just thinking out loud. 

You don't need to be so honest.

Whenever I find articles like this one, I become almost giddy as I read through them. Revelations, such as this one, make me so fascinated with this world and all its mysteries. "Scientists learn what makes Northern Lights flare". I always thought they did know and I just hadn't looked into it yet. Apparently, 5 NASA satellites were used as sources so it's legit stuff we got going on here. 

I'm not going to go really detailed into it but I will recap: explosions of magnetic energy that happen 1/3 of the ways between the Earth and moon create the lights in what's called "magnetic reconnection". Technically, when solar wind (electrically charged particles that are constantly spurt out of the sun, in essence, fiery sun beams) and the earth's magnetic field lines (that store energy from this wind) get closer together, a maximum is reached and everything becomes reconnected. When this shenanigan goes down, magnetic energy is turned into kinetic energy and heat that in turn spark the pretty flares of the Northern/Southern lights. So maybe it doesn't sound thaaaaat cool but I'm just taken aback with wonderment of science and the Earth. 

Blindsided.

I can't ever seem to get enough. I always want more more more. Why can't I just be satisfied and grateful? I'm never this way with anything else... besides maybe rice. Seriously though, I wish I could stop this ridiculously impractical need because I don't even really agree with it. I'm inevitably going to get hurt. Yeah, I can already see it coming. Last time around, I was on the other end of feeling smothered and look what I'm doing now. I bet this is the weird way karma gets back atchya. Alas, I should make an advanced effort in changing this mentality that has begun to settle in my psyche. I hope he doesn't know; it's already embarrassing enough in my own mind and now on my own blog. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of being nonchalant and easygoing, which, you know what, I am genuinely. Then I get to thinking and there I go being all selfish again. Also before I started writing this, I texted something to the effect of 'I miss you and I'm sorry if that's coming off too strong' type of deal. No response. Great! Now I feel so lame and clingy. asdkljdfgkljfg. And this is when I will put in a request for a mechanism that allows humans to shut off emotions that lead to unnecessary leaps of thought and judgment. SERIOUSLY I can't continue this way and I WILL NOT let it happen anymore. I'm taking a vow to myself to not be so emotionally invested and involved. I think I'm falling in likelustlove something or other and it's making me miserable. And....... end scene.

UPDATE: I have a serious case of what I like to refer to as overactive brain syndrome.

Right in the moment this order's tall.

Hmm. I told myself to go to sleep early tonight because I was soo tired. Especially as I was standing, playing over the line. I got thrown with a wave of fatigue THEN a sore throat. Sometimes I think I can be a little bit of a hypochondriac. As I was having dinner with Maaneli, she mentioned something about feeling her nose get this weird itch like she was coming down with a cold. Didn't think twice about it then. However, once I was far removed from her, I began to feel a scratch in my throat! So maybe I am getting sick, it would make sense with my lack of sleep but I really think I have the capacity to create sickness to be much, much more. There was an episode on House a while ago where they were on an airplane and one passenger breaks out in a fever, vomits and gets a rash. Then someone else does and so on until almost everyone on the plane has this epidemic. Long story short, it's a case of being hypochondriac. I know that was semi anti-climatic but it was actually a really entertaining episode. The point I'm getting at is that I know I can be this way and I hate it. If I can make myself more sick than I can make myself not at all sick, right?

Speaking of sick... Lilo's thrown up all day today. From when I woke up until about 5 minutes ago in front of my door... Is there a thing as a stomach virus for dogs? I feel so bad. It makes my heart hurt to see her weak and sick. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow.

I was reading this mini article on yahoo a few moments ago on the top 10 scientifically inaccurate movies. I got SUCH a kick from it and I don't know why. My inner science based geek was amused. Here's what it said about Jurassic Park (number 2 of 10). It's not even thaaat cool but it's just something that made me go, ohhh right that makes so much sense!

[Before I get to that I just want to reminisce on my first time seeing JP. It was a summer night in San Jose. Round table pizza beforehand. Went to the drive in. Sunflower seeds. Ahh, I'm craving round table pizza... I'm pretty sure it's been about 14 years since I've had it.]

>> Having a wildlife park full of dinosaurs would be a really cool idea if it weren't for a few problems. No, not imperfect security or the possibility of spontaneous lizard sex changes. The problem is that it would be almost impossible to clone the dinosaurs based on DNA pulled from the guts of a 25 million-year-old mosquito. The dinosaurs DNA's double helix most certainly would have been broken down into individual chunks, mixing together with whatever else the mosquitoes might have eaten along with some of the insect's own genetic material. Any creature constructed from that mess might be the stuff of nightmares, but probably wouldn't look like a T. Rex.<<

Ah, touche.

I have to get some sleep.

Also, Diana--if you see this, I'm lovvviinnngg the siamese effect between us and cannot seem to get enough of you!

And I do appreciate you bein' around.

I am exhausted right now. This whole week, I have gotten into bed no earlier than 330am. Gah. Luckily, I do nothing with myself all day so I could just recoop and save the bitching, that I clearly brought upon myself, for something much more important. You'd think this is where I start that much more important topic since I smoothly segued into it but I'm pretty satisfied with current circumstances. I have started a fast, new friendship with Diana that I'm really happy about. Began officially dating Daniel at The Dark Knight premiere. [Pause. What a great acting job by Heath. As I was watching, I felt this eerie feeling of being impressed and saddened simultaneously. I'll definitely have to see it with my dad soon]. I honestly feel really lucky to be getting to know him better.  I don't know what we'll do when he goes to NY but I almost don't want to think about it and just appreciate this time for what it is. Anyway, Mandana takes the bar next week. I kept thinking it was this week and I would tell people she's doing it tomorrow and such. Woops. Regardless, she's broken her back over this and I have absolutely no doubt of her passing. Okay, I'm just ready for my 2nd nap of the day or something. It's a lazy summer. 

First you reel me out and then you cut the string.

Today.
Wake up at 7am by the garage door slamming shut.
Realize my left knee is out of commission. Great.
Two eggs. Three ibuprofen. Back to bed by 8am.
Wake up again, 11am too hot to be under covers.
Push myself to get out of the house.
Shopping? Sure.
Actually find shoes I like, the day will get better.
Try on pants.
Come to the conclusion that good fitting pants are near impossible for me.
Too long or too big or just ackward.
Get walked or pushed in on by anonymous shopper.
"Hey..." is all that I can say. She didn't even acknowledge her slip up. Rude.
I laugh it off.
Return home. Make the best salad. Ever.
[tuna, lettuce, avocado, brussel sprouts, carrots, cheese, sunflower seeds]
My mother and I clash. She yells, I yell.
I shouldn't have yelled back, I'm real sensitive today.
We both cool off.
She says she's having a bad day because fluid is building back up again.
This isn't suppose to happen anymore.
Her last surgery was for the sole purpose of this not happening.
We both get emotional.
I kiss and reassure her.
We forget why we had that meaningless spat.
I go to Michaels and bring some acrylic paints home.
It's 5pm, I'll save my art for tomorrow.
I probably should have just started.
Nicole's leaving for NY at 7pm.
We talk things over. Oh, she's going to have fun.
Wait around for nothing all night.
Find myself more emotional than usual.
I don't feel like being around randoms tonight.
I'd rather just be with one or two people.
So it's more personal.
Or just watch a movie and sleep early.
Or just have a cup of tea and look through old pictures.
Or just canoodle.
It's not like I've had a terrible day.
It's more like a series of really off events.
Sometimes a handful of set backs feel as equal as one massive heartbreak.
Not always though.
Usually, I'm not too bad at dealing with life.
Ahh, it's just one of those days.
A funk.

Track 19.

Oh man.
It's been a while blogger.
I started blogging 7 years ago. I got real into it for the first 3. Then I just became distracted with high school mumbo jumbo. You know, dramatic episodes and whatnot. Okay fine. I also started smoking weed. At that point, I probably wanted to write but couldn't focus long enough to actually complete a thought. Luckily, I've stopped smoking weed for a while now. Speaking of which, why did I even continue smoking for so long? It's not like I reaaaally enjoyed the heavy feelings in my lungs, or the binge eating or the lethargicity (I'm okay with making that word sound legit). My only explanation for it is that it was just around and convenient. Something to do and even look forward to, especially when nothing else is good enough. Like an unhealthy relationship where you clearly were never that emotionally invested in but they have latched onto you and oh, where did the time go? You find yourself knowing this person will never be right for you, definitely not somebody who you'd prefer to procreate with and is more of a heavy, but tolerable, weight than a relief. It's starting to get real depressing in this piece. Anyway, I've completely outgrown that blurry phase of my late teen years. Let me just say, I'll admit that I was a stoner and I'm definitely not proud but honestly, what am I going to do about it but just look back and laugh on my retarded mindless actions? There is no reason why I should make myself feel bad about it because well, I already have and it's just not the best of feelings. How did this blog become revolved around weed? That's enough. I'm in the summer of my sophmore year of college. I'm moving to Santa Barbara in oh, two and 1/2 months to continue my educational enrichment at UCSB. I have NO idea what to expect. I'm not even at the point of expecting. I'm just living in the complete present. Going with the beat of summer, you know? I've had a hardworking two years and I'm finally catching up with myself and all the changes. For now, I plan on discovering all the new music I've missed out on, rekindling my romance with black and white photography and training for a 5k in San Clemente on 7/20. There's also SF in late August for Outsidelands. And the prospect of a love affair. I'm not sure what that last ones doing or where it's going but I'm just going to keep on keeping on as I do. Mmmhm.