The more we talk, the less we understand.

My eyes are so bleary, I guess I'm young but I feel so weary.

These days, I've been craving piano so bad that I'm just going to buy a keyboard, I really am. I'm tired of this longing. Let me just make some money first. 

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. 

I just want all my loves to be in one place even if I disagree with the location.

This time next week, I'll be in class... Ah. That leaves a strange feeling in my mind. 

Before I go, however, Nicole and I have made it a goal to watch the sunrise (inspired by Ben Button). It'd be nice if we could round up others to join us but if nobody else wants to make the small sacrifice then how very sad for them. I'm looking forward to it.

Well, that's all I got for now.

Time for Lilo and I to cuddle for a few. 

But still sometimes you cannot help yourself. You step outside and hear bells ringing for you.

Today, I have woken up with fresh eyes. I plan to make the best of this by slowing down conversations, inhaling deliberately, and dancing at any given time.

JC.

That last post was waaaaay too pitiful. 

I have decided this:

Today is the day that Jesus Christ was born.

(Or is that inaccurate? Something about some star and such? Whateeeever, a birthday is a birthday)

God decided to get up close and personal.

Everything else is arbitrary. 

The end.

So this is... Christmas?

I'm not one to be a negative nancy but I'm just going to say that this has been the worst holiday season my family has ever experienced. I feel as though everything is falling apart. My home was once my sanctuary. Today, it's so far from that and I can't be creative enough to come up with a word that takes its place. There's so much bitterness, complaining, tension, stress, anxiety, depression etc. I'd like to pretend it's not rubbing off on me but it totally is. I find myself so sad or tense. Christmas Eve felt like any other night. In fact, my parents went out to a friends party so they weren't even home. This morning: my mom slept in until 10:30, Mandana is really bitter about yesterday so she won't come out of her room, Maaneli is at her boyfriends house, oblivious to anything happening. I just don't know what happened. What, once we're in our 20s everyone gets a free pass to separate and make their own plans? At this point, I'd rather just leave then continue at making attempts to mend. As sappy as it sounds, I've never actually cried from sadness on Christmas except for this year. 

Going back to Santa Barbara seems really appealing. Going anywhere seems really appealing. 

And then my grandma calls and oh, how much joy she brings into my heart. She is a saint.

Oh queen bee, sting me, sting me, sting me.

Basically, I have been shopping from 10AM until 6. One of the worst yet greatest decisions of my life:

Worst?

a) People, too. many. people. 

b) Can the lines get any longer?

c) Cashiers trying to be nice are really just taking too long. Let's make this small talk when Christmas season is over. (I know, that is terrible of me. But it's been a LONG DAY. I realize they're just working and making polite conversation to ease up the tensions, make the day go by, you know, I get that. I was once that girl. BW holiday= gift certificate madness)

d) Traffic. Everywhere. Rude drivers. I saw NO JOKE 4 people running red lights. Granted, Brittney was one of them, but still!

Best?

a) I'm done. Done. I think. I want to be done. I don't EVER want to go back. I didn't have money to spend and I don't know how I bought anything. Now, I'm royally broke.

b) I'm in a silly frilly mood. Although it's really just me being exhausted and caffeine crashed, I just lauuuughhh it off.

Also, New Years keeps coming up. I was considering Winter Conference. It's 264 dollhairs. I don't have that money. It's a no go. I'll always have Winter Retreat. I wonder what will happen on New Years. I don't have any expectations. There's Jack's and the girls are all going. Diana's possibly going to a wedding. I already get a feeling that Daniel is going to be with others. My sister will be in NY. My parents are going to a party. Well. 2009 sounds lonely?

Got a bullet left but I can't decide which scorpion I'm gonna shoot.

"Look what Obama did! He made a science and technology team!"

"That's cool Mom."

"It was all in Bush's face."

"Well, whatever." 

"I was beginning to think that with Bush, evolution would stop being taught."

"Well, that's ridiculous, you know that would never happen."

"YEAH, they talked about that in Religulous!"

(take a deep breath)

Forgot to mention, yesterday, I was listening to music.

My mom: Do you listen to only Christian music now?

Me: No...

My mom: I mean, it's pretty cheesy isn't it?

Excellent. 

In other news, my hair is really soft and smells amazing. 

Okay well. 

Yup. 

Need to find ways to occupy my thoughts, you know? 

Wish there was a Christmas party to attend this evening.

I don't mind the weather, I've got scarves and caps and sweaters.

I really have a GREAT desire to be in snow. Just to be in a cabin, see white everywhere and take in this beautiful wonder. I've never done that! Mind you, I do not want to snowboard, ski or do anything in that regard. I just want to be there and appreciate. If there was a fire, hot chocolate and a camera, I would thoroughly enjoy them treats as well. 

I've been, I've been silent.

I've come to a few conclusions this evening:

a) 

I've got some really amazing people in my life. I've known this for a while now, but I'm talking about old AND new. I'd especially like to recognize the new while also being grateful for the old. I have this awesome community at UCSB. My bible study girls are ridiculously sweet. Everyone at Real Life. I'm just blown away at how many people have been contacting me, asking how I'm doing at home and telling me that I'm in their prayers. It really just makes me ache with gratefulness. I'm so incredibly thankful for the concerns and words of advice. Let me also say, I adore my friends from home and I miss them so much when I'm away. It's so comforting to just have everything return to the way it was. 

b) 

I'm addicted to caffeine. When I don't have coffee, such as today, I appear to be okay until about 9pm when a MASSIVE migraine just tackles me. I can barely keep my eyes open. I refuse to have coffee this late in the night so I just have to take some ibuprofen and sleep. 

c) 

While I have always had issues with my body type, I really need to relax. This is me. This is my shape. I will never been rail thin. My stomach might not ever flatten to nothingness. I have curves and extra skin and more curves. I'm not fat, yes I know. I'm also not necessarily skinny either. I'm just there. I've been called, 'petite'. My mind has been going really crazy lately because I haven't been working out. This may seem weird. Honestly, this whole thing is weird. I need to get over myself. When I work out, I don't feel bad about my body shape and I just accept. So now, the solution is simple: get back into it. I probably will be waking up at ungodly hours next quarter to run in the mornings but SHIT if that's what it's going to take for my brain to stop being overactive, then SO BE IT. I'll wake up early and go to bed early. Done. 

d)

I don't feel like I need to detail this portion but I am so satisfied with my boyfriend. Granted, there are glitches in our relationship but we all know that it happens. This week, he's been sick so our time has been spent just sitting, resting, and laying on couches but I don't have any complaints. I anticipate that we will probably be hanging out less since his best friend in the world has returned but I'm okay with this. I love him. Love. He makes me so happy. 

e)

I really need to figure out what it is that I am meant to pursue career wise. I just need to spend some time. I absolutely hate this unsure uneasiness. But then I love that the future is just waiting for me to make a choice. That there is so much life to be lived. 

f)

I don't know what I think of the conversation I had with my mom other than the following words: relieved that is was opened up, inadequate, interesting, strange, sad.

g)

I feel for Diana. I just know that she is hurting and I wish I could pick up her pieces and mend her. But I can't. She has a beautiful heart and I pray that she lets God take it from here.

That's all. Tomorrow is Friday. My winter break is much too short. I only have 2 weeks left. Whaaaaaa? 

I got a little bird, I'm gonna take her home. Put her in a cage and disconnect the phone.

It's extremely gray outside and I love it to an extreme level.

I feel like:

Watching a movie, (almost) any movie.

Being blanketed.

Drinking a warm beverage.

Listening to music with no distractions.

Reading.

Writing.

Canoodling.

Making dinner. 

**Side note: I love the idea of taking hours to prepare for dinner. All afternoon long in the kitchen just taking your time for an amazing meal. I think there's something so personal about making dinner, eating and having conversations. I'm a fan.

If I were to make dinner I'd make some kind of pot pie. All handmade. With biscuits. Veggies. Potatoes? For dessert: creme brulee or cheesecake or maybe just some cookies.**

Lighting candles.

Reading some bible.

Gingerbread house decorating; hasn't been done since I was in elementary school. I want to bring it back.

Putting on socks, sweatshirts, pjs. Scarves. 

I'm going to be suuuuuch a good grandma.

Uggghhhh I'm watching Lilo right now and noticing how old she truly is acting. It's. breaking. my. heart. I can't handle it. She just sits in my arms and sleeps on my chest which used to never happen. She used to be wayyy too cool for such activities. Better things to do like rip apart my text books and bark at her reflection. 

Anyways, it's a nice day. Let's just be cozy.

Nonsense.

One more thing,

I'm starting to reconsider my Yahoo email account because of the following:

Every time I go to check my email (or anytime I open Safari) I'll notice articles in the Featured section to the left of the "Check Mail" button.

This articles will range from, anything related to sports, entertainment, politics.

Without fail there is ALWAYS ONE article that says something like this, 

"Is Your Relationship About to End?"

or

"How To Tell He's Cheating."

or

"5 Top Signs That He's Wrong For You."

or

"How to Deal with Someone With Too Much Baggage."

or

"Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship."

Always really negative, terrible articles. Always always ALWAYS. I'm starting to play this game with myself and every time I check my mail, I just wait for the next relationship ruining article they are going to post because I can almost swear they are getting more and MORE ridiculous. You know what Yahoo? I'm not afraid of these articles. I'm in a secure relationship laden with so much love that it just spills out of us. Go ahead and publish these 'dating tips' because it's inapplicable for me and my amazing boyfriend. I just feel so sorry for those poor women/men who read these then, obviously, start playing into the scenarios due to paranoia which inevitably ruins the relationship. Or maybe you save someone from being heartbroken, who knows? Either way, let's try to focus on the good stuff in life, maaaaybe? Crazy concept, I KNOW but seriously, give it a shot sometime.

Feisty feist.

Then you realize that your friends are really amazing and everything else just melts away.

I understand this sounds corny/cheesy.

In my defense, they are family to me and I've missed them a lot.

I also understand that this blog is not intended for impressive purposes.

So, there you have it.

I don't want to choose black or blue.

Well, I must say that being home is not terrible.

But its definitely not great either.

On Sunday, I sent my dad a letter with details on my faith.

His response: "I expected it, don't let anyone take advantage of you being so lovable and sweet. Be careful, smart and strong. I love you."

Which was really nice and great but I know my dad and I know that's not all he has to say.

Regardless, I was still calm.

Anyways, being home has been okay.

He's itching to talk to me about it.

I told him how I'm anxious about next quarter and all the challenges it holds.

He said, 

"Don't be. In psychology, they say that everyone creates these homes of worries and doubts for themselves. It's those who are unstable who actually live in these homes instead of objectively look at them."

"...So, you're calling me crazy because I'm anxious?"

"Yeah, I think you're a little crazy. But I also think you're really vulnerable and I hope one day you just grow out of it."

Clearly, this wasn't about anxiety.

I said, "Huh, well... what if I don't want to grow out of it?"

"Well, then I feel sorry for you."

Great...

An hour later, I hear him talk to my mom about it. I overhear him say things about people living with imaginary mindsets. Her telling him that they need to talk to me about it, it's important.

I'm not sure what that conversation will hold.

I thought I was ready for this and I think I am but it's just so hard to explain.

My parents think that my belief in God is sad and pitiful. 

They think I should see through this as though it's a scam.

That it's not real.

And for me to believe translates to me being naive and childish.

I might as well be saying, "Mom! Dad! I believe in Santa Claus."

It's hard.

I don't know how to deal with this really.

I'm just getting through it.

I feel like everybody has this wall up against me.

And is constantly judging every word that comes out of my mouth.

I know that this is all out of their love for me and for that reason, I can't really get angry or upset. The only way I can explain how I feel is to say that my heart is incredibly weighted and heavy. I will just continue to pray and pray and pray. There is really nothing else. 

I feel as though I'm constantly being tested in this house.

I'm just taking these lamaze breaths and praying for patience.

It could be anything from how loudly my mother talks on the phone to the way Mandana treats my parents, as though she is the Queen of Sheba.

I need my God.

I need my friends.

I need space.

It's these days that make me look forward and anticipate my own family that I'll create. 

Huh.

Weird. 

Gichee gichee ya ya.

Sometimes I just love watching Fresh Prince.

I go through phases.

I don't know when it won't be funny to me.

I think it's funny how I only get 7 channels.

And on weekday mornings, I can watch Saved By the Bell and Fresh Prince on TBS.

This saved my life when I was sick.

I watched the best kinds of Saved By the Bell,

where they go to Palm Springs and stay at the Marriott Resort.

I've stayed there before and it's truly amazing.

An indoor boat ride?! 

It can't get any better.

Once they get to college, however, it's just not good.

New people, too old, overdone.

I watched a snippet of a college episode today.

Then Fresh Prince; first the one where Will gets hexed, now when he joins a frat.

Ah. I'm soooooo lame.

St. Elmo's Fire.

Is one of the worst movies that I absolutely love.

Emilio Estevaz, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Ally Sheedy, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson.

Here is a clip:

And everybody's got to live their life and God knows I've got to live mine.

Last night, I wrote a letter to my dad that I'll e-mail to him.

I have yet to send it.

I'm waiting on God to tell me when that should be.

I spent a large portion of my morning with God.

Just hanging out, writing thoughts.

Spent some time with Megan, bought her lunch.

She's such a sweet girl.

From a small town, her father is a pastor, her faith is being tested out here.

I feel like I've taken her under my wing.

It's an amazing thing.

I fell asleep, hard, for an hour.

Had a dream about Daniel.

He had called me to say that they landed in Germany and was so stoked.

He said, "Christmas has come early! I'm in Germany!"

And then he couldn't really hear me, I couldn't hear him and the conversation ended.

I woke up thinking he really was in Germany and was really confused for that second.

This entire week, we've probably spoken for a grand total of 10 minutes.

Maaneli thinks we should do a secret santa kind of gift exchange.

Since money is real tight around these parts.

So I wrote out a list of some suggestions for everyone and emailed it.

My dad called me right after.

Saying, "Every time, I get an email from you, I just jump."

Why?

"Well, your wish is my command. I love them."

God is so plainly involved with everything that it's almost overwhelming.

I still don't know when I should send him the letter.

Tonight?

Tomorrow?

Next week?

I'm pretty bored tonight.

I spent a good half hour just dancing to music.

Now I'm sitting on the floor, listening to The Smiths.

I guess I could put together some kind of outline for my final on Saturday.

It's just going to be conceptual, 3 essays.

I can't really memorize anything.

And I'm just PISSED it's on a Saturday so I don't want to validate its existence. 

Let's see what happens with the rest of the night.

It's only 7:10. 

Before you're comatose.

So, last night I was really bummed out!

I'm not sure what my deal was.

I have been really inactive compared to when I was living at home

and it just messes with my head.

My mom was the best.

She called and talked to me until I got sleepy.

It was very kind, sweet and needed.

In other news, I have noticed this about finals apparel:

Leggings have replaced sweat pants.

Leggings with a long shirt (ok)

Leggings with a dress (also, ok)

Leggings with a tank top, t-shirt, or anything that does not cover the ass portion (definitely NOT ok)

Work was interesting today:

Claudia spoke to me about hours for next quarter.

I told her I'm going to be extremely busy but will work it out.

At first, I couldn't tell if it was an, we're going to be overbooked; get out kind of conversation.

But it wasn't.

Luckily.

Got me thinking about my schedule....

(THIS IS NUTS)

Tuesday

COMM 8-915

STATS 11-12:15

ENGL 12:30-1:45

ITAL 2:00-3:15

same ENGL class 5-5:50

Wednesday

Work from 10-2

ITAL 3-3:50

Thursday 

repeat Tuesday

nix the ENGL 5-5:50

Friday

STATS 8-9:50

COMM 11-11:50

Work 12:30-3:30

Tuesdays and Thursdays will be the end of me.

4 classes in one day?

I'm absolutely insane.

Mondays off! My only gift to myself. 

I know this is going to be really challenging.

I will look to last year and tell myself, if I could do all that...

Or even the year before that one? 

I'm always crazy when it comes to school.

This quarter was a breeze, as far as workload.

Last night,

I got a hold of my old blogs.

It's so funny to read daily summaries from high school.

It just brings me back.

Then, I got into my old melo.

Wow.. now that was an interesting time.

I was such a sad cookie.

Talking to Brandon online and he looked at his old one, then mine.

I had to warn him that I was quite sentimental.

He said, "We were all a little melodramatic."

Ohhhh Brandon.

I miss that guy.

I have known him for years upon years of years.

I've been around for ALL his flings with ALL my friends.

Tomorrow,

I'm going to meet with Megan. 

She's a freshman and I met her at the retreat. 

(She was one of the three freshman girls who I sat and talked with during womens time)

I always run into her at Real Life functions.

I'm excited to see her.

Anyways,

I really feel like watching Love Actually.

I don't have it... I will have to ask Leanna if I can borrow it.

OH it's just one of these movies that needs to be watched all the time during Christmas.

Or just all the time.

LOVE it.

Daniel gets into CA tomorrow afternoon/evening.

Yeeeeeees.

People will actually believe me when I tell them I have a boyfriend.

George Glass.

Diana, why are you so close and yet soooooo far away.

Ridiculous.

I made myself this really spicy Indian dish tonight.

I LOVE being a wife to myself.

Making dinners, having romantic candle lit evenings.

There is this trail mix from Trader Joe's that's way TOO good.

It has cherries, chocolate, peanuts, peanut butter chips, and cashews.

I mean, it's called "Tempted."

It is my demise.

So, you know when you get into Radiohead after a really long absence?

And you just listen, melt and think, daaaaaamn this is good.

Happened.

Ah, to be a musician.

I think I'm supposed to be.

Or something.

Music and I have a love affair.

Wellllllllll I'm spent. This was a long one.

Savoy truffle.

I'm weird tonight. 

It's dark in my apartment (just christmas lights and a candle) and I like it.

I haven't really been speaking all night.

So I'm going to continue in remaining quiet.

And reading.

And ignoring those Facebook notifications that feed into low self esteemisms. 

It's come to my attention that I'm having a bad night.

Insecurities are at an all time high right now.

The girl is crafty like ice is gold.

I'm not into cramming.

In fact, I don't find it effective for mass amounts of information.

Therefore, before an exam/midterm/final,

I just like to sit and be.

Unless I actually forget like a year or a location, yeah, I'll look it up.

But I don't tend to be intensely studying 20 minutes beforehand.

Just like today,

I went to the lagoon and sat, listened to my pod.

Watched large birds dive and intimidate each other.

Got into my class.

I always silently wish that nobody will sit next to me,

there are SO many seats to choose from.

Inevitably (especially in this class)

somebody always shows up 15 minutes into the whole exam,

as I'm already in the groove, to just sit RIGHT next to me.

Why? There are so many other options...

This guy today, he smelled of rotten eggplant.

I was not a fan.

Well anyway, I was one of the first to finish...

I'm still undecided about that.

Totally aced it or absolutely bombed.

So tonight, I am not going to study.

I'm just going to mellow out.

I wish I had someone who would go on a long walk, short run, or trip to the gym with me.

And then I'd like to have a beer.

Nobody is around, however.

And this is kind of lonely.

So... this is a good time to start that new book.

Somebody give me a beedi.

And I have been awake since 4:45 AM.

I feel pretty good about that.

With 2 cups of coffee swimming through my veins,

I will do well on my finals.

Yes, I know enough.

Positivity and confidence are absolutely essential here.

I'm just going to KILL it.

Ritwik Ghatak and his avante-garde style, how globalization is fluid, the mise en abyme to Omkara and UP-Bihar and so so soooo much more.

This is gonna be great to just get it all out!

Obviously I have not mentioned my first final.

This is because I've got it under control (right?)

There's something about being awake in the morning (when it is still dark) that really intrigues me. 

I just kind of like it.

I'm cold, caffeinated and capable!

Nantucket blend.

I absolutely despise those STUPID ads on myspace and facebook:

Want a body like this? (picture of abs)

20 years old and overweight? (picture of tan abs)

I'm sooooooo sick of these ridiculous advertisements.

Isn't there any way that I can find a loophole and eradicate them from my life forever?

In other news: I'm just a ball of stress.

I want to run and shower and watch movies and dance and sing and attempt at doing cartwheels and drink lemonade and chop up vegetables and sit at the beach and be.

In due time. In no time. 

Flustered/Hey Tomcat!

Well.

It's too late for this.

But I'm here and thats that.

3 times tonight, I silently melted down.

I just had small anxiety attacks.

About finals. Getting work done.

I spent all day writing a paper with so many other thoughts consuming me, as in when to start on the next paper, when to get to my other classes.

Oddly enough, I didn't actually break down and physically freak out.

I did get a little teary eyed at one point.

But my freak outs were completely internal and I still feel mostly calm.

I think the highlight of my night was when Daniel called me.

It was really refreshing to hear his voice.

Even if it was just for a second.

For that second, I was just so happy and smiling.

I cannot wait to smile with him in one week.

Tomorrow, I'm going to attend Reality because eeeeeveryoneee insists that I check this place out. And then more essaying. And studying. Deep breaths. 

How is it that nobody in my complex has ANY clue that finals are next week? Seriously? Do you guys even go to school here? Unbelievable. 

Work it. Do it. Makes us.

So very quickly,

Well, this might not be quick but I'm typing fast (so in my mind it's quick).

The first half of yesterday was soooooo strange.

Did wake up for class and attend.

And I got home with all these plans of studying.

However, I had this weird cough that was making me feel like I was about to get sick, again.

Can't have that, no.

Decided: why not just take a short two hour nap, wake up and all will be well.

Laid down, couldn't fall asleep because of this cough.

Thought, I need to sleep this off: I'll just take a tiny bit of cough syrup, it'll make me pass out and I'll wake up refreshed.

Nope.

It did make me pass out until 4pm...

I then forced myself to wake up and was a complete sloth for the next 2 and 1/2 hours.

Leanna came over, we decided to just wear anything green and red we had= Christmas spirit.

Met up with some other girls and walked over to the Plex (which is where the shindig was located).

In the beginning, I was still really slow and dazed so I just was basically there but not, at the same time.

Probably not until like 9:45 did I really wake up because I just let loose and danced it off.

There was a massive dance happening and it was awesome.

Daft Punk happened and I just got SO excited.

When the guys are super into it, honestly, it's just so great. 

Danced for a looooong time but it was so fun!

Hung out with Alex, who is definitely one of my favorite new friends here.

We talked about God, some stress he's going through, reading books over break and going to church next Friday.

Soon after, a bunch of us decided to start singing Christmas songs and a big group surrounded us and it was lovely.

Loved it.

Ahhhhhh there's this one girl in my bible study: Sarah.

She's only here for this quarter because she is German and last night was probably her last night hanging out. I just love this girl so much. She speaks English soooo well and I just connected with her in the past few months. I'm so glad to have met her. She was getting really bummed out in the end of the night so I would just hug and remind her about all the great things she has to look forward to. I'm going to miss the stuffing out of that girl.

Anyways, got home pretty late and had to take a shower cause I was a frozen popsicle.

My toes had turned purple.

Basically, I had a really nice night with some amazing people and I just love them.

I'm going to miss everybody so much! 

5 weeks until Real Life reconvenes.

Okay today is going to be intense studying and paper writing followed by more intense studying and more paper writing. Got to get on that ball. Now. 

And when the night is new...

Today was quite enriching. 

Let me divulge!

Coffee with Jen:

So good!

Ended up talking about transferring, hanging out in her house and competitive sports.

She brought up this one book called The Reason For God.

Her and all the staff on Real Life are reading this and discussing it with each other.

She read me a few sentences in certain chapters and I was just instantly interested.

It made me think of how excited I am for winter break and reading for pleasure!

I'd love to get my hands on this book and just see what this author has to say.

And I juuuuust might.

Indian Cinema:

Last official class.

Filled with discussion on sex in India, globalization and true identity.

My professor is ridiculously smart and I'll miss his humor.

Came home, strew a loooong string of lights around some windows.

Talked to Heather about finals.

She left, I got a lil sad...

Real Life:

Tea with Leanna and Summer.

Talked about great things.

They are both so sweet and loving.

Church was Christmasy!

I went in asking God to just let me be open to what it was He wanted me to hear.

Open and receptive.

And I heard.

This student spoke about how he became Christian this year.

And how his father was so warm and accepting.

Chris Comstock spoke about re-gifting the gift of Jesus to those who don't know Him.

And I just felt struck.

I know this comes up a lot. The whole, share with others shtick.

I heard God tell me, hey, what exactly are you so afraid of?

There should be nothing to fear.

I have you.

And I suddenly realized, I have to tell my dad about my faith.

The timing is right.

It's just a matter of me committing and facing the music.

Then we had extended worship and it was so powerful.

Once that was over, talked this guy Garrett who had been to Turkey over the past summer.

He asked me if I would be interested in joining him in a Muslim outreach in SB.

I first thought, well, what can I possibly do with that?

I barely know anything about Islam. 

I just know... well, really little about it.

It occurred to me that knowing Farsi is the key here.

I can communicate whereas this guy, Garrett, can't.

He knows what to say and I know how to say it!

Gosh, I don't know if this is even anything.

I mean, where do I come off thinking anyone would want to even talk to me about God?

I'm just a newbie.

Also: this is a complete baby idea that could easily fall apart.

I guess it's just kind of exciting to think this maybe might be in my future plans?

Tomorrow, there is this Christmas costume party that I might attend but AH WORK, THERE IS SO MUCH WORK TO DO.

Currently:

Leanna, Summer and I are in my living room.

All cozy comfy.

Pj's, popcorn and apple cidering it uuuuuuup.

Watching Flight of the Conchords clips.

Studying, essentially.

One week! Daniel sets foot in CA, that's kinda cool (!) In a week, most of my finals will be done, I will begin to let go (but not, damn Saturday final) and I can just relish in the holidays! 

It's beginning to look a lot like ...finals.

So yeah, finals eh?

I mean, there is so much to do.

Also, two finals in one day?

A final on a Saturday?!

This is not a joke.

I mean, it is totally absurd to take a final on a Saturday, agreed?

And my professor told us that it would take 3 hours.

Yeahhhh, three hours of STRAIGHT WRITING.

I'll officially be a resident in carpel tunnel city.

As for today, I will be meeting with Jen Peet (the female leader of Real Life) for coffee.

Having class.

Exercising.

Studying.

And churching!

I heard Alex talking about singing Christmas songs during worship.

This is great.

I told him to go with O Holy Night.

Oh boy, this weekend makes me really nervous.

I think church tonight will be necessary and what I need.

Cheer up, honey, I hope you can.

Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable.

This is today.

There is so much to do. Today and everyday.

Okay I'm just going to write out today for my own organization:

10-11:40am: Indian paper

11:40-12pm: Lunch

12:30-330pm: Indian Cinema class (what a giant chunk of time semi-wasted)

3:50-5pm: Workout 

5:30-6:30: Indian paper/dinner

7:00pm: Indian required seminar; some director is coming to lecture?

Whenever that ends (please be before 10)-Midnight: Indian paper.

This is all subject to adjustment.

I just want it to be next week already.

Last night: my bible study and I baked cookies from scratch, decorated the cookies then went caroling to other bible studies and gave out em out! Then we had a big prayer by the beach and you could hear the waves... ah, it was magical. 

Alright, back to the grind.

UPDATE: I spoke to a fellow named Ethan about so-called 'Dead Week'. He's a senior and I asked him what the deal was. He responded saying that no professors actually follow it anymore and even as a freshman, the majority of his professors ignored it. I KNEW it was fake!

Also, cloudy California days really have an exceptionally positive effect on me. 

Don't believe in modern love.

Alright. 

Here at UCSB, they do this thing called "Dead Week".

"DW" is the week before finals in which classes are not in session and students are expected to study for finals and not worry about attending class and such.

This is totally nonexistent.

It's a myth!

This week is technically "Dead Week" and all my classes are still in effect and I have to go.

There wasn't any "You know what guys, it's dead week. We're through here."

What the hell kind of false advertising is this?

Dead week is very much alive and I'm very confused.