It's like a valentine from your mother.

This is not how I expected it to be.

And they say that.

So now it's the end of the month and a few things have been established.

A) I will be returning to Santa Barbara.

B) Daniel and I will try the whole dating thing again.

C) My parents are still nutty.

Good. Just keeping things updated.

You're riding high in April, shut down in May.

I cannot believe that it's already August. I can't and refuse to believe it. I didn't even post anything in July! And I was probably less busy then I've ever been before in my life. Well, lets recap this summer. Pretty much, I had only one week of June. That consisted of unpacking and reorganizing my room. Then I got sick. That cold I fought off during finals week crept up and crippled me for a week and suddenly it was July. Just like that, SF for the 4th weekend. Then, American Idol audition with Britt and BAM sick again. Another week shed off. Took some time to reclaim my health and then began to volunteer as Mandana's bar exam accountability study partner. Kept her in check, encouraged, made breakfast, quizzed etc. This goes on for weeks. A few nights out with the girls occur here and there, nothing too extravagant. Introduction of corepoweryoga and it remains til this day! Also volunteered as Maaneli's homework aide and completed large projects due to the fact that she was spreading herself out too thin and hey, I'm a helpful kinda girl. And then, out of the blue, my health was STOLEN from me suddenly and I got slapped in the mouth with the SWINE. Miserable. 102 fever, shakes, pains, coughs, nausea. Took me about 2 weeks to recover. Continued to do all my volunteer work. Also throughout this time, in the back of my mind was, "Well, what am I going to do in the fall? Where am I supposed to be?" Then Mandana's exam, LA, praying for her to feel competent, peaceful and satisfied. Afterwards, family comes to visit for a week. Love love love. Then, time to sort out of my life. Calls, counseling appts, more calls and calls and emails and calls. Praying and praying. It's August. Praying praying. New car?!!!! Looks like all UCI/OCC doors are closing. UCSB appears to be the way that I'm supposed to follow. But is it right? Is it worth it? And if not, how do I tell the girls I'm out? Can I really be happy living at home? At the same time, can I really survive living in a home with 10 girls? I have 3 more days before my self created deadline. I can't put it off any longer. Right now, it seems like the UCSB direction is where I should stay. All the advice has pointed to that. I still have Chapman but I don't want to put my father in that amount of debt. For the next 3 days, I'm just waiting on the Lord. I will make a few more calls and then just wait on Him. I think I'm supposed to stay in SB only because I have this strong pull towards there. The same pull I initially felt when I made up my mind about medicine. I'm really just excited to be making a decision. I'm really looking forward to feeling stable and sure. To having a direction. I know that majoring in something that is of absolute no use to my major seems pointless but I have some ideas on how to make the whole experience work a la volunteering and doing hands on field work with health care. If i can't take the classes, at least I can get some experience. Daniel comes home in a week. I'll actually be in San Jose the day he comes home. Half of me is really bummed I won't be here for his arrival. Another half of me feels fine about it because I'd return 3 days later; enough for him to begin to settle in. That's good, right? Then that immediate pressure of "Hey! See me!" will be lifted. Then again, I hope it's not going be a bad thing that I'm not there, you know, a bad omen that I'm not there right when he gets in. Whatever. I can't think like that. I really miss him. I haven't heard his voice in over 2 months. I have no clue where we stand. I have no clue what will happen when he comes home. I have no clue what will happen if/when I go back to SB. Just like pretty much everything important in my life, I have no idea what is going to happen. I feel like I've kind of been at a stand still this whole summer. Just kinda waiting. Being quiet. And it all comes to a head within the next week. Week and a half. Well, I mean, not the Daniel thing. Or maybe that too? Who knows, he could come back and there could be absolutely no chemistry between us. And poof, it'll dwindle. Or we'll just continue to dabble. You know what, I don't know. I just do not know. All I know is that in a week, I get to see my grandparents. And then in September, I'm going to NY to see the VMA's courtesy of Mandana. You know, things might just be looking up after all. I just gotta keep my spirits lifted and wait on Him. He always takes care of me.