From. From From From. My heart.

I'm home and it's great for all that it is. I love being home. I love that the sense of homey-ness has reemerged. But I'm not home free, if you will. I'm still battling this "thing" for lack of a better word. I have moments where I'm so good and then I'll just sink low soon after. It's like the second I begin to hold my head up, I'm socked in the stomach! I don't understand this. I think it's overwhelming, exhausting, taxing and any other synonym for too much. Spiritually, I'm at a low point. Fortunately, it's better than it was when I was back in school but I'm definitely not fully restored just yet. I feel this blocking, a wall, something invisible holding me back from truly communicating with God. Even at the times when I pray I feel as though my words aren't good enough, aren't complete or just empty. It's the strangest and most distant of feelings. 

I was hoping that spring break would be a time of healing and renewal from all this but it's not really starting off that way. I understand it's only Monday night. I don't know what I was expecting. Some rapid turn around, I suppose. 

I'm absolutely tired of this. So tired of this low. I'm done. I want to stand with God's armor surrounding me. Keeping me up. I am incapable of doing this alone. I've tried and failed. Everything will be okay.

Thank you Diana for your endless friendship and support. You are incomparable. 

I'm officially burned out of my mind.

I've never felt this unmotivated to do work.

I just don't care.

I'm over it.

And need to find my peace of mind.

I really don't want to do anything, I'm living in a hole, could probably distract myself by all the work I have to do but I don't want to do anything, I don't I don't I don't I don't.

The more I think about it, the more I'm sure it's you.

I'd also like to add:

When I was leaving work yesterday,

my boss (Judy, who I'm pretty sure doesn't like me anymore, she oozes with fakeness towards me) told me, "Okay! Have a good weekend! It's supposed to be nice and sunny."

I replied, "Yes, I plan to have a lovely weekend indoors studying. I almost prefer the weather to be gloomy in order for me to want to get work done instead of want to be outside, you know?"

And LOOK AT THAT.

It's gloom city today.

Well, that's just great.

Let's forget about the tongue tied lightening.

It's possible that I have ADD.

I cannot focus or buckle down.

I mean, I can?

Probably.

But the motivation is just not there.

I'm incredibly distractable.

If only it were just this time next week, when all these papers and finals would be over with.

I'm completely done with this quarter.

I've decided that I'm tired of it.

And I'm ready to move on.

If fact, I already have, in a way.

Mentally.

It's just too early and I jumped the gun.

I feel very restless, stuck and anxious? Possibly?

I can't really figure it out.

I wish I was talented musically.

I think about it all the time.

I need to purchase a keyboard.

Or learn how to play the guitar.

Because that would also be magical.

I think I'm guitar challenged however.

I've attempted at learning the sitar and that didn't work out.

I was also about 8 or 9 years old, so I can't really base much off of those years.

The point being that I just can't do that whole finger-string plucking business.

Well, maybe I could, you know, with the building of calluses and such.

Anywho, I want to seriously dive into this over the summer when I have time.

Unless I have summer school which would just bum me out incredibly. We'll see.

So yesterday,

I had a two hour break in between classes and instead of going home to kill time, I opted for an adventure.

I walked around this lagoon we have that curves around and around into quiet peacefulness.

Eventually, I reached a small beach cove.

It was wonderful to discover all this new land.

And nobody was around; just me walking around like I was the only person trekking the land.

It was so great!

I found a bench and just stared out into the water but this was a bit difficult

(Being that it was 9:30-10ish: the sun was beaming off the water in a striking way.)

Last night, 

I was rewriting some notes and watched 50 First Dates.

Okay yes, I know this movie is not critically acclaimed and what have you.

But I love it!

It's another one of those movies thats just not really good but also fantastic all at once.

I absolutely love Drew Barrymore and her natural beauty.

And Adam Sandler is perfect. I love him.

I know he's isn't attractive but he has so much that I love.

Anyway, I haven't seen this movie in so long and I was just laughing out loud, getting teary eyed and loving every moment of it.

It's interesting how much I can write about here when I have two essays weighing on my shoulders.

I could just ramble on and on.

I could talk about how I love sitting by the window living room on Saturday mornings.

When every now and then, somebody walking catches my side vision.

What they call "the walk of shame".

And I can tell that they've had quite a night: 

Walking with heels and messy hair, a large bag in hand, on a mission to get home where they can shower off cigarette stained fingers.

Well, clearly, I have no idea what they could possibly have done the night before.

But I have an idea. 

Well, now.

I'm just in a cynical tone this morning.

I'd like to shake it off.

Okay so I should just go ahead and write these papers now, yeah?

Alright.

Uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Fine okay. Okay.

AAAAAAAAAAGH

So, things with Heather have not been so hot lately. Not that their "bad" necessarily, but not good. Ever since we had that not so good convo about cleaning, she's been incredibly cold towards me. 

When we had to talk about that stolen laptop conspiracy, she was SO rude to me.

We have 0, zilch communication: sometimes she'll walk right past be and leave, saying nothing.

It's JUST SWELL.

And my current observation: she ALWAYS slams her door.

Whether it be in the middle of the day or early morning, or sometimes late at night.

This is particularly irritating to me because it wakes me up AND because I wake up earlier than her in the mornings and do my very best to be as quiet as a mouse. 

A thought that has passed my mind is to just do it back tomorrow morning. 6:50 in the morning: SLAM. Oh, but I'm sure I won't do that because she may not be intentional (although this is a recent/new thing of hers, which makes me think that it may be a way for her to be passive aggressive towards me) and because it's not really my thing to reflect crappy behavior and it's just not good. 

Ugh. I'm up too late. This is terrible. Can't it just be spring break already? Maybe summer break actually... 

Lately...

I've been feeling so distraught lately. But not in an ordinary way. It's like a quiet aggravation residing in me from the moment I wake up. I really felt it today, not like I acted on it or anything, I just recognized its weight, its presence. I don't know what's up but I'll tell you right now, it's not me and it's not good. It's possible that I'm PMSing to an extreme because this is that week but I'm not too sure that can take all the blame. I suppose it could also be the stress of finals being next week but I'm really not that stressed JUST yet. I'll get there though, don't worry. I looked at myself at around 12:30pm today and I still had my sleepy face on, even though I had been awake since 8am. It was like I was groggy all morning. I know this may be stretching it, but my eyes seem darker too. I mean, my eyes tend to change color with clothes (they'll be more gray, blue or green depending on the color of my clothing) and tears (they tend to lighten after a good cry), but I've never noticed them just darkening to like a dark teal-ish gray out of nowhere. Strange. 

I emailed a mental health advice nurse today to see if I could get help on some body issues I've had for years, which is good. Not that the issues are good but that I got the nerve to actually email her and seek the help. It's gotten rather overwhelming lately. I hope that this will be useful and that they won't turn me away due to insurance policies cause that's just mean. 

What else? Oh gosh. I'm just tired. I want to lay in the sun and read Fitzgerald. 

Another choo choo rain washing away when we're apart.

Basically, it's been a while... I've no idea where the time has gone. To my essays and classes and works... I have finals in a week so I'm not that shocked as to how busy I am but I MEAN really, I have barely had any kind of social communication! It happens to me every year actually. I go through a spell where I kinda fall outta the loop and fall into the school sunconsciously. Anyway, I'd thought I'd share some of these images that I appreciate. That French man on the top right is perfect to me. I think he'd be fun to date. Or kiss once or twice. 





Well, I promise I'm alive Diana... And I love you and miss you SO SO much. It's like a piece of me is completely missing. Please know this: I pray about you every night and miss your friendship every day.