Kicking and screaming.

Haptics. Arm grazing. Heartbeats. Maybe it's the caffeine. It is. I am much too distracted to formulate essay quality speech.

Gnik Nus.

And then, I took a nap and realized how superficial I can be sometimes. I'm sorry. Then again, we're Americans... all of us are superficial, to some degree. And if you don't agree with me, then you have bigger problems masked behind that curtain of denial. I'm glad that I got to just rant though. And now I'm back. I don't care about those pictures. I love my friends. I love where I am now. I am loved. Love is lovely.

On a different note:
I have devised a new plan for myself.
I will be sleeping and waking up earlier.
I cannot have soy anymore.
But, I have a goal.
My birthday.
And I think it will be just great.

Current Annoyance.

Nicole posted OLD pictures on facebook. I'm talking freshman year, sophomore year of high school. Mind you, I wasn't exactly confident in those years. In fact, I cringe when I see ANY image of myself from junior high until maaaaybe junior year of high school. Regardless, yeah, whatever they were "great" times we'll always have but do I really need them up on facebook? NO. NO I DO NOT. It just really bothers me! I've come out here, made wonderful new friends, never have to remind myself of times from back in the day and LOOK AT THAT, THERE THEY ARE. It really, severely frustrates me. Also, I was chubby and awkward. I really was SO uncomfortable then that I look to today and think, shoot... things have really physically changed for the better, even if I'm still not happy. But you know how they say the fat/chubby kid will always see themselves a fat/chubby even when they're 95 pounds... well, that's me (definitely not 95 pounds). And now, I get to be reminded of just how fat/chubby I really was. Years of mental blocking wiped away just like that.


I realize this is super shallow. probably vein or something. I don't care. It's serious to me. I guess it's true that they say you really can't escape the past, whether it be trauma or old pictures. In this case, I'm thinking trauma from old pictures is really what happened. Hopefully, no pictures of me with a bong will ever resurface and I KNOW there's some of those.

I'm just going to laugh. Laugh. Cry a little. Laugh. SO WHAT?! I wasn't cute! So what, I was a pothead, years down the line? Does it really matter anyway? It shouldn't but sometimes, it does. I'm more comfortable accepting that I was a pothead and smoked too much weed over looking at pictures of myself at 15. There has to be something wrong with that.

Crushes.

So, I got to thinking and crushes suck! Don't they? Well, I think they do. Celebrity crushes are the only crushes that don't actually cause any harm in the end.

The top two girl crushes I have :

Keri Russell, I'd like to be you sometime.









This is a given, clearly.










And then, there's my top two man crushes, for always.


Always Ewan.



Just because Hayden is soooo pretty. I know his acting is ...yeah. BUT, it doesn't take away from the fact that I loved him from Life As a House and that means that I'm loyal.

Anyways, this list could probably be extended into the likes of young Nicole Kidman, young Marisa Tomei, Brad Pitt, Leo along with many, many more. But alas, I have homework to attend to! So, there it is. I feel better now.

I'm up in the woods. I'm down on my mind.

I did Bikram Yoga tonight. KICKED MY ASS. In a good way. Now, I'm exhausted. Saturday night and I think I'm going to bed at 9pm... isn't that just great? I really wanted to go see this lecture tonight which was called, "Is There Anyway to Reconcile Science and Faith?" Something that I would love love love LOVE to hear about. But nobody wanted to gooooo and I can't walk down there alone. Sucks, but well, that's just too bad. I think I'm going to go to church alone tomorrow. All the girls are going to Reality for the 8am service. That's just too early for me. I've tried and I end up being really, really tired and then there's no point cause I'm basically nodding off. So. I'm going to go to The Ark tomorrow alone. I think it'd be really good to go alone. Hopefully the worship leader will be the same.

I'm starting to really become excited for life. There's so much to look forward to. There's so much to accomplish. There is, there is, there is, there IS. There.

Black Mirror.

WELL.
It was raining haaaard this morning. And so, I got dressed, pretty cute, I must say. I threw on my blue raincoat. As I started walking, I began to question the insulation of this coat. The closer I got to class, the more I thought that this coat was just a coat and not at all waterproof. Get into class, dripping wet! I'm just SOAKED. Take off my jacket, my shirt is soaked. My scarf is soaked. SOAK SOAK SOAK, what a weird word you are. Anyways, we have two portions to this class and in the second half, I went up to my TA and said, 'I'm sorry, I'm absolutely soaked to the bone. I'm going to have to go home and change.' She was so sweet and looked at me with empathetic eyes. Had to brave the walk back with a wet, wet jacket and hood and EVERYTHING. Luckily, with an hour to kill, I've thrown my clothes in the dryer and made myself some earl gray tea! My bones ache from the cold, however. I just hope it goes away with a few motrin.

Hopefully, I can restart.
I have hope.

Ba.

I'm absolutely lifeless. With so much to do. I can't move. My bed is seducing me. And I'm giving in.

Her majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she doesn't have a lot to say.

Well, here it is. It's all so bittersweet. I'm kinda sad, mostly relieved. Feeling under appreciated is never a good feeling. Wanting to be wanted is never a good feeling.

I'm really apprehensive about waking up early for class. I'm just not interested. I don't want to do anything. I wish this weekend could continue to extend. It'd be nice.

Today was just a fog. I was there but not so much. My mind was not at all in one place. I just float.

Hopefully, with classes and such, I can just become super busy and this will all pass much faster than I expect. Well, I know I will become busy within the next week but me getting over this, well...

Diana McNeill: you are an amazing friend and I really cannot thank you enough for speaking truth to me. And for letting me rant and explode. And yell. And cuss. And cry. You're my sister and know exactly how to make me feel better, always. You're a wonder.



This chair is so useful. I want you. Read and go.

Fooled my heart to think that I might have had you.

I'm so drained. My nose. My eyes. My body. I'm a zombie but in a good way, I think. What now. Sleep. Sore throat. Tomorrow is a new day.

Isn't it nice that I have my bible open and I just look down into it and read:

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
Romans 5:3-5.

Ah.

I don't think it's strange, I don't think it's insane.

I wish I didn't have class at 8am tomorrow! Then I'd be able to spend some time at the beach which I've actually really been wanting to get to. I'm definitely not a beachy kind of cat but since the weather has been so warm, I just can't help it. It doesn't hurt that the beach is a 15 minute walk either. Next year, it'll be 2 minutes! I can see the beach from the roof and certain rooms.

Ahh, well, I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I definitely had a meltdown this morning but I think it had to happen. Kristen came over and God definitely spoke through her. I was instantly calmed down. Regardless of the fact that I'M SO BUMMED I'M NOT GOING TO WINTER RETREAT, I've decided to not worry about it and make the best of what I got. I don't have much homework considering I did it in advance. And I may be a little sick, but whaaaaatever. I won't get that bonding time with certain people but I figure I will in due time. There's this girl Jill who seems so cute and sweet, I just want to get to know her! But I'll have to wait til they get back. Anyways, this weekend, I get to have some time to really slow down, think, pray and j u s t b e. I plan on taking that time I'd have with God at winter retreat and really bringing it to me, here.

My neighbors downstairs are RIDICULOUS. It's so outlandish sometimes.

Well, I have class from 8-12:30. Then work til 4:30. I'm busy as a bumblebee. Then, Diana, won't you hang out with me? I'd really like that. If not, well, I'll just make dinner. Read some bible. Watch a movie. Whatever I want!

"There's more to life than flannel tees"-DCM.

You're just like crosstown traffic.

My body aches and I'm sick. Wonderful. I have homeworks and readings. So. I will do as much works and reads as possible. Then I will lay here, in bed.

So you can be sure that you're in control.

It has begun.

Human after all.

Bible study was great. Sometimes the girls have too much energy for me but tonight, it was just what I needed. We discussed a lot about being a woman in general, what that means as a Christian, men in Christ, you catch my drift. I definitely felt like the conversation was one in which created perspective for me. I love hearing what people have to say when it comes to topics such as this, where opinions really come into play. 

Anyway, I imagine that I will be really busy in this week. In going to Winter Retreat, I have to do all my homework for the upcoming weekend in accordance to what's due this week. It's going to be a lot. It also doesn't help that I'm starting to feel sick. GREAT. I've told myself that if I feel grossly sick by Thursday, I won't go because there is no point in going anywhere in an unfit manner. Thursday is also the night I'll have to pay, so yeah. 

Ummm yeah, that's it. 

Where are you tonight? Child, you know how much I need it.

I'm currently in a Jeff Buckley listening rampage. This happens quite frequently with all music I love. I go through phases of heavy rotations in older appreciated works such as Jeff Buckley or hmm, Paul Simon? Then find something new: heavy rotation. Then go back. It's a cycle. Sometimes I'll dabble in a bit of both old and new, depending on what my ears feel is pleasing. 

I went to the gym today! First, I got lost... I was looking for this class and after mindlessly looking for it, I found the room number I was looking for posted on top of an old elevator... That couldn't be right. I thought, maybe you have to take this one elevator to reach this room, so I scoped it out and sure enough, there was no room at the top, just a balcony full of construction materials. So, I gave up on this class and did some old fashioned aerobic exercising. It was so nice. There's something about loud music, clearing my mind and pushing myself alllll at once that really strikes me as therapeutic. I don't know why I don't just go more often, other than the fact that there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. 

I've also been really considering volunteer opportunities locally and today, so many sprung up! Since there's a good amount of families living in IV, there's also an elementary school a little ways down the road. With that, I could do a bunch of after school stuff with kids, even like a Big Sister/Big Brother kind of mentoring! Then: I could call out numbers for Bingo at the Friendship Manor (elderly home) on Tuesday/Thursday nights. Or I could also serve lunch at the Catholic church to the IV homeless. All of these places are within walking distance to my apartment, it's just that I'd have to do the walking at night for half of them and that's just reallllll sketchy. These are just a handful of choices that I have. There's also assistance needed with the IV Medical Center and much more. I get so excited in throwing out ideas but I have to also consider how many places I can be and excel in school, yadda yadda yadda. I really respect those that leave this country or state in order to be of use to the unfortunate, to serve God, aid in any way. I also think that there's so much that could be done locally, as well, that is just as respectable and not as easily recognizable. 

In other news, a bunch of girls from my bible study and then from Real Life want me to live with them in this house called the Bella Rouge... isn't that just the sweetest name? I feel like I'd be living on some Southern Ranch. Anyways, I've been to this house once since one of the leaders of the bible study actually lives there. It's a pretty big home and from what I hear, the bedrooms are larger than expected and there's a rooftop deck, which makes me excited. Two blocks from the ocean is also a nice little plus. Rent is 650 and I'd be sharing a room. There'd be 10 or 11 of us in total... that's kind of crazy to think, isn't it?

 I think 10 or 11 girls and I think, oh my estrogen. I can barely handle living with 3 (or 4... Lilo counts) women at home... Then I have to consider that the chances of everyone being at home at the same time is pretty slim. I also have to consider my other living arrangements which would be to live in an older apartment with a complete stranger since San Clemente apartments are out of the question. I spoke to the Housing Coordinator, they gave me some wishy washy answers that just won't cut it. I can't rely on a "Maaaaayyybbee it'll work but you never know, however it's unlikely" riff raff.

 At this point, I think it might be a good idea. All the girls are very sweet Christians who will be seniors, just like me. I think that the chaos of living with 10 people seems ridiculous but also, could be a lot of fun. Obviously, this has been done before and the girls living at Bella Rouge are all doin' it. I know dynamics of roommates vary and an abundant amount of women usually ends up in annoyance and bickering. It could also be a really awesome experience. I have no way of knowing! It's great that it just kind of popped up on me. The thing is, the lease needs to be signed... tomorrow. Yes. THATS RIGHT. Not much time to think this one out, eh? We're all going to get together and discuss tonight. If I feel it in my heart that it'll be good, I'll just do it. 

This is a long essay post and I think I'll just stop rambling. There's just so much going onnnnn. Oh, the joys of being young and full of opportunity. 

Hosanna, hosanna.

It seems like my days have gone by so quickly. Tomorrow is already Friday, which is pretty crazy, you know? Today was another one of those 8am-longer-than-a-day-should-be kinda day. It's not too bad though (for now). I'm into the whole busy thing. I'm sure I'll be swallowing all my words when the workload starts tapping on my shoulder but at least, right now, I can appreciate this first week as the grace week. Grace in the sense that it's the first and only week where I can be lax about the work. As far as progress goes, it seems highly unlikely that I'll get into the Italian Foods class but I can't say I didn't try. That class just needs to be bigger. It's pretty ridiculous if you ask me. Also, both my communications classes are freshman filled fiascos. It drives me crazy and I feel like I stand out in my annoyance. I don't want to be annoyed! It's totally an unintentional reaction to the Abercrombie & Fitch student body that surrounds me in these classes and not at all because I hate freshman.

Moving on, Real Life was so refreshing. It feels like home to me. I called it church to Kristen the other night and she said, "Church? It's not church. It's just like, a service or a meeting." I replied, "Well, it's church to me." I understand Chris Comstock isn't a pastor (yet) and that it's not a 'formal' anything. I have absolutely no problem in these technicalities. I feel God's presence in the theater, in the people around me and in myself. I can understand the perspective of Christians who have been Christian for all their lives who perceive Real Life as elementary, simple and basic. Fortunately, this is exactly what I need. Every single message Chris has given us, I've taken something out of. Anyways, the entire theater was packed tonight! I just think this is so cool. IV is such a sad, lonely place with so much love and hope filling its streets. Furthermore, I got to see many people who I haven't seen in weeks and I get the dreaded question of, "How was your break?" This is where I get into a dilemma. Mostly I just say, good, it was great. You know. Ha. Then I just feel really foolish for saying that cause it was far from good or great BUT I'm not going to go dumping that on someone who's innocently making small talk. So, there's a few people who I started with the whole "It was fine, yeah..." and then admitted, "Actually, it wasn't the best." Again, I feel foolish. I know these few do really care, know the backstory and everything but still, I feel awkward in talking about it for whatever reason. 

Looking back, it's a mistake to say it wasn't very good. Truthfully, it wasn't the best. Honestly, it sucked. Still, my parents know I'm Christian and a lot's in progress but ultimately everything will be good. Who knows how long it will take for my parents to accept my faith, if ever but it'll all pan in God's time. I failed at keeping strong in the company of my family but now that I'm here in Santa Barbara, I can rebuild, learn from my mistakes and persevere from here on out which is good, real good. 

Tomorrow, I have class at 8am to 10. Then another. Then work. I'm so excited for Nicole and Natalia to come and visit. I'm so so excited!

Well, here I go. Here's to another day. 

Mr. Longbeard Stinkypants.

I'm utterly exhausted. Tired. Ah. 

Stay, lady, stay. Stay with your man awhile.

Oh my gosh, it was such a long day! I should really reconsider the whole 5 classes in one day bit. But I need/want them all. I really really really hope I get into this Italian Foods class. It would be my one easy class and I SO DESPERATELY need one of those classes this quarter. What am I taking this quarter? Well, go ahead and ask me. I'm not going to reiterate my entire day on this here blog tonight. Often times, I go into detail about every kind of event I encounter. Not tonight you see. I will just say this: one of my TA's is totally jonesing on me. It's just really funny and mostly awkward.

I'm so glad that my dinner date with Leanna turned into a meal for four. Kristen came by. Then Heather came home! We all ate and drank white wine (not for Heather). Heather told me she was thinking of staying a weekend or two here and I told her to come to Real Life and she said she would! Yeeeaaah, so exciting. 

Okay tomorrow is my first day back at work! And I hope/pray/wish I get into that Italian class. Buona notte!

I know you will forgive me for my honesty.

Today was nice and quiet.

Woke up at 9am.

Dressed a bagel, made some coffee and watched the Today show. 

Got dressed, walked around campus and checked out some class locations.

Established that the weather was making the day seem like fall and not at all a January kind of morning.

And that the fall quarter felt like summer, at least in the beginning.

This is typical for CA, right?

Went into the bookstore which was a madhouse.

Eavesdropped on girls talking about other girls, "Like... that was so funny running into her. Does she really think we're all hanging out tonight? Maybe she shouldn't dress like such a ... (out of earshot)"

Yikes.

Bought 9 books and lugged them all back.

My arm was shaking for 20 minutes when I came home.

There were so many bees everywhere!

I don't like bees.

This is a new development (not that I don't like them, but that they emerged in abundance).

They'd lazily land on whatever they felt like.

Twice, I darted out of the way.

Anyways, I looked through my texts, which is something I tend to always do before classes begin.

With all the reading I'm going to have to do, it's likely that I'm going to be cross eyed by the end of the quarter.

I'm taking this Cultural English class and it's got some interesting materials.

One that caught my eye is called Safe Area Gorazde by Joe Sacco.

I flipped through it in the bookstore and noticed that it was a comic book type of novel, much like the Persepolis series which I love.

Basically, it completely sucked me in. Skimming this took an hour and a half and suddenly I finished it.

It's about the conversations between a journalist and Bosnians who endured the Bosnian War. 

Honestly, my knowledge on this war was very slim so I was really interested and mostly disturbed the whole time I was reading it. I probably set the book down 4 or 5 times and was taken aback. 

Upon its finish, I made myself a pasta dinner and talked to Nicole for some hours.

Decided that I will take a cycling class on Monday/Weds mornings.

Which sounds so intense and ridiculous.

I just have to try it.

Talked to Mandana about what I want to do when I graduate.

Graduate schools, their locations, what my heart is set on.

Drank a glass of wine, talked to Dan for half a second. 

Dan, are you ever alone? 

I think you poop with one of your friends right there with you in the bathroom, hanging out.

I'm joking, of course.

And now I'm here. 

I'll be going to bed in an hour or so.

Such a long day tomorrow and then dinner making with Leanna as my reward.

I'm anxious.

But see here,

What's the point in being anxious? I will just be positive. Optimistic. Tell myself, I got this! 

And just go for it.

alskdjalksjdalksdjalksjd.

Khoshgelah bahyad berakhsan!

(translates to The pretty ones have to dance! which is really the name of an awful persian pop song)

I came across these pictures tonight as I was waiting for my bed sheets to be washed.

They really just make me laugh and I thought I'd share a glimpse of persian dance parties.

To set this up, my uncle Saeed and aunt Fathieh (my mom's brother and his wife) came down to visit us and they live in Iran. He's a pilot and definitely my favorite uncle. Anyway, they stayed for about a week. It was an amazing week! One night, I came home from one of my 12 hour school days and they were all dancing. I just had to participate. My mom's sister and one of my cousins were over as well. One more thing:  I'm not proud of what I was wearing and that it was photographed. However, 12 hour school days to me mean dress as comfortable as possible and hey, it worked out cause look at me go now! Okay enough of that.

This one was just a random night they were here and I thought it was just silly.

Starting this off...

Lilo! Ahhhhhhhhhh. This is too funny to me.

Caught Mandana and she joined in before she left for the gym...
Waving to the camera shot. I just kept it going.
Smirking... my aunt's serious about this.
Shimmy shaking!
Getting low and mostly just laughing.
Ahahahahaha. Oh my gosh. I don't know... 
Back and...
Forth. 

Well, that was fun for me.

Hindsight.

So, here it is. My Christmas vacation is near its end. My thoughts are very mixed. This whole time I've just been very up and down and up and down. I've felt so very unfulfilled, useless and idle. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my friends, Lilo, sleeping in, and having no deadlines. But I think that the friction in being home just kick started everything else into an emotional flurry and now I can't help but think, where did all the time go? I also can't help but think that it's harder for me to reach God as I'm home even though this is where I first discovered his truth. I don't know what it is but it just seems like I'm so blocked and distracted from his presence. It's almost as if I continue to pray and pray but I'm nowhere near as focused as I was 3 weeks ago. Why? I have no clue and I really cannot explain it. This is another reason I'm really looking forward to my return to Santa Barbara. I'm craving Real Life. My bible study. The community I've met that is so nurturing to me. I'm interested in knowing how Leanna's first holiday without her father turned out, if Kristen had any encounters with her troubling ex boyfriend, if Alex is taking his scholarship to Pepperdine, if there are any new discoveries with Middle Eastern outreaches. 

I wish that I could have handled everything at home better. I wish I could have been more loving and less taken aback. But alas, I cant! I can't change anything! Can't go back. This is it. It's done. It happened and here I go. Mostly, I'm so sad to be apart from Nicole. We had some amazing conversations over this break and I will miss her the most with Lilo coming in as a close second. In contrast, I'm mostly excited to get back to me, my own time, my own apartment, my own freedoms. Granted, I say this but I will have the busiest quarter with little free time to do anything else but sleep (maybe) and shower. In fact, I will probably go to bed by 10 pm and wake at 5:30 everyday! Oh man. So much for freedom, right? That's that then. I'm coming back, Santa Barbara. Please be good to me.