Cliquot

I'm in a Beirut state of mind.

I really need to shower it's too late for wet hair though.

I miss you!

I have class early. 8am. Gross.

Real Life tomorrow night!

My internet has SUCKED all night.

So snail slow.

Prepping for midterms this weekend/interview questions (eek).

Birthday in 6 days!

Summer in 7 weeks!

I just need the sun to come back again.

Heather is really talented at slamming doors.

That's all.

No cars go.

Oh, I just love Maaneli. I mean, I love Mandana too. They both bring so much to my life. Maaneli's at Coachella right now, just loving life. And I wish I was there with her. Being surrounded by music is so magical. Even with her being there, she just gets me. Telling me that she never wants me to feel the way she did. God really spoke through her. She said I should never let anyone make me feel like I'm not good enough, as she did. She went into depression for 4 years. And she wants nothing more than for me to learn from her and understand that thinking that way will only lead to sadness and hurt myself. Which is all true and understood. She just spoke so much truth and love to me. And so does everyone else in my life that truly knows me. I'm so incredibly blessed. I have so much to appreciate in this world. And this sun. I live for this sun. Ah, life. You are soooo interesting. 

So, don't get any big ideas. They're not gonna happen.

I went to bed just fine last night. I had it handled. And then I woke up thinking it was all a dream but it really wasn't. And my heart hurt really bad. And then I thought about it more and more. And I'm really upset. Why am I so upset? This boy is so not worth it anymore. If he was worth it, he would never make my heart ache in this way. He's an asshole and he knows it. And he has no grounds to be an asshole to me. So go ahead and let other people down. Just don't do it on my time anymore. Why do am I this upset? Why do I care so much? What the HECK. I'm not this girl. I can handle boys leaving my life. I've only had 3 boyfriends in my life. I'm not the date around kinda person. I'm fine with being alone. Because I always knew I was never alone. I've always had God to look to. It's just this one, right now. This boy. This asshole, this selfish child. Why does he get me all riled up? He's so good at being consistently disappointing. And I know it! I've been praying for God to take my heart. And I know he will, but I haven't fully given it to him. How can He take something when I haven't fully let it go? It's been 4 months now. It's always on a 17th. He asked me out on a 17. I broke up with him on a 17. He pretended I wasn't there on a 17. That sounds so lame. So LAME. What the hell is your problem. I just want to yell at him so badly. I'm just as stubborn as you are, if not more, but when it comes down to it I know when I have to drop it and do what's right. Technically, he doesn't have to say anything to me. I know, I know. He doesn't really have to say hey, what's up, we dated for 8 months, right? He owes me nothing. I broke up with him. (On a side note, I think it's possible that in certain situations, the one that does the breaking up has a harder time and takes longer to recover, possibly because he/she felt stronger about the other.) However, it doesn't mean he has to play the victim card until the day he dies, if thats what he is, in fact, doing. I guess what hurts the most is thinking that I really just didn't matter enough to him. That I was just another girl in his plethora of ex-girlfriends that has finally faded into the background. Just someone else. A wallflower. And now he will move on to the next one. Well, if this is truly the case, and it very well could be, I really hope he finds happiness. He deserves it. No one deserves to have a broken heart. It's just too hard. And as much as I want to say, Daniel, I hope the next one breaks your heart, I won't. Instead I'll say, I hope she makes you feel wonderful and that she loves you in a way no one else could. On that note, I'm going to take a shower and just start my day. I apologize for the ranting. I don't think I ever fully let myself get over him. Only because I didn't want to. And now I want to. I have no reason to hold on. Okay. Deep breath. Hot or maybe cold shower. Hot. That's it.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

RWE.

The world may never know.

It's much too late to be posting, especially when I have class all day tomorrow. But I'm so busy all the time that this just has to be the time where I give this a go. I've had a really good week and a great night. 

Here are some of my current/recent loves:

Tea. Pomegranate apple, green, detox.  The not drinking coffee bit. I have weened myself off, gradually. It's been REALLY hard. But I'm tired of the reliance and the teeth stains and the sugar excess that I infect my veins with. Now when I really feel like treating myself to a good cup of coffee, it will really be appreciated.

The sun. This is a consistent love of mine. I thrive off the warmth. I need the sun.

Laughing so much that my face hurts. Laughter is really the best gift.

Taking over Woodstocks on Thursdays. All Real Life.  

The music library at KCSB. Heaven. 24/7 access to SO. MUCH. MUSIC.

Eating healthy and being selective. Wish I could be vegan but too much soy is so bad for you. With that said, letting myself eat Ben and Jerry's and Woodstocks without feeling as though I committed a heinous crime to my body.

Hopes. Knowing that there's so much that I don't know yet. All that is yet to be done and experienced. 

My dad's leather jacket that I have recruited!

Being so busy that I cannot let the little things get to me. There's just not enough time to be bitter and sad. 

Peanut butter spread on wheat bagels.

Okay. This can and would continue to expand but I really, REALLY need to get to bed. This weekend, Heather stayed. Weeeiiiiiiiiiirrrrdddd. It's the first time EVER that she's stayed here. It's the oddest thing. I'll probably be too busy to even think twice about it. Tomorrow is class, class, class. Run. Laundry. Dinner with Nyrie. Menomena. Sleep. Awake. Run. Homework. Beach. Bonfire! Sleep. Awake. KJUC playlist creation. Beach. Homework. Church. 

Golden slumbers fill your eyes.

Usually when I dream of him, its him and another girl or just kind of separated from me. This dream was different. We were both in some random place like Vegas or Palm Springs. We rain into each other once, said hi and didn't have much conversation. The next morning, we see each other again. For some reason, I was in pj's. I hadn't slept the night before. I was at some sleep over function where you don't sleep. Anyways, he immediately approached me and I was apprehensive since I looked so disheveled. As he came closer, I was wondering if he'd hug me and he definitely hesitated. And then we hugged. But he nuzzled in my neck. And then as we pulled away with tears in his eyes. He mentioned something about his friend being gone and how he missed him. I said, it's okay, you'll be there soon and you'll have such a great time. We were talking about the Africa trip. I could tell there was so much inside of him that he wanted to tell me, so much emotion that he had in his heart. But he kept it in and held back. He told me we should talk later about more in detail since I was on my way home and our meeting was by chance. 

Why do we dream about people we don't talk to or see or even hear about? Why have I dreamt about him so much? It's unfair to all the other dreams I should be having. 

All I know is this. I'm giving my heart to Him. He'll decide which man will have it. And for what its worth, I'm too busy for a boy in my life anyway. So what's the deal?

With selfless faith, with selfless faith.

I just returned from such a wonderful night. Real Life changed things up tonight. We were split up into random groups and had dessert and just hung out. It was so great! AND THEN! We all met up at DS park (which overlooks the ocean and is 2 blocks from my future home) for worship. It was unbelievable. It was pitch black so all you could really see was bodies gathered and the moon reflecting off the ocean. Alex (swoon) led worship and I was incredibly touched by the whole thing. I had my back to everyone but was facing the ocean and sang my praises to God. I was completely consumed. There was so much intimacy. The part that gets me is the fact that I remembered almost all of the worship lyrics, that I didn't need to be prompted necessarily. It just poured out of my heart like it's always been there. 

2000 years ago tonight, Jesus is betrayed by Judas.

2000 years ago tomorrow, he is crucified. 

And then he is resurrected.

And lives still.

I'm so in awe and so in love and just completely satisfied. 

Working on leavin' the livin'.

Wellll here we are, week 2 of Spring Quarter.

To sum up:

• I've decided that cold weather is really limiting to aerobic exercise, which then makes me feel bad. At least I've located a source to the guilt I inflict onto myself.
  
• I have to get two A's in 2 of my classes in order to get into the Communications major, which has the highest GPA requirement out of the ALL majors at my school.
• If not, I'll have to pick a random major that I have taken enough coursework in, take summer school this and next summer, in order to graduate on time. Yuck.
• I work everyday except Fridays.
• I went to an evening service at Reality Carpenteria on Sunday. I absolutely love the worship there. It's unlike any other church I've attended. Sadly, they won't be doing evening services once Reality Ventura opens so we'll have to see what happens then. 
• I'm being trained at KCSB! (<--this is my favorite new thing.) I had my first show yesterday and was totally unprepared so I just played random music from albums I was familiar with, instead of what my goal for the show is. What's this goal? It's basically to play music that I love but it doesn't have to flow or sound right. It's going to be an eclectic mix from rock music to spanish guitar. I know, super random, yes. But whatever. I'll have fun! And I have access to the studio 24 hours a day (or so they told me, I don't have a code to get in yet). There's SO much music to choose from. And records upon records! It's an absolute dream. Also, every week they get new releases that we can listen to. I'm ALSO thinking that I can take my laptop and just kinda snag some cds onto my itunes for free. (I still have to look into this, but if so, holy cooooow... my itunes will skyrocket in mass and I'm SO EXCITED.)
• Unfortunately, the thing here is that I think of Daniel a lot. And how much he'd love the access and availability of the music, being at the station etc. I find myself thinking, "Oh! I wish I could tell him about how great this and that is. He'd be so enthused!" I'm trying really hard to stop these thoughts. Wah.
• If I get everything accomplished and such, I will be live on KCSB in the fall! Yeeaah.
• I'm trying really hard to accept myself as myself. To not be so hard on myself and appreciate the body that He has gifted unto me. 
• Looking forward to my birthday in 3 weeks! Finally in the 21s.

Well, now, we're basically all caught up. It's Easter this week and I'm so excited to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus for my first time! Yay! I'm not sure if I'm going home. I suppose, that depends on Diana and when she's leaving and if she'll take me, of course. If not, it'll be okay to not go home. I'll just go to Reality with Kristen. Either way, I won't be with my family on a family kind of situation and thaaaat's a little strange. Ya know. That's okay though. 

I'll try to be a lot more active on here. I've just been weird and writing about it was just not happening. Whatever whatever whatever. Here we are now. Let's move on.