My mother is an atheist, if I stay out late she won't get pissed.

So what is it? Is it because my parents hardly talk to me anymore? And then when I call them out on it, it's "We just don't know when to call, you're so busy...". Or is it because I wanted that last year and now that it's happening, I don't want it. Or maybe it's the fact that I always call them and when I do, it's like pulling teeth, like I'm the mom, like it's a chore to talk to me. Or maybe it's because they're pulling away and I know when I go home, it's going to get turned around on me and it'll be because I'm Christian, because I have this new family and I'm the one that is falling out. Maybe it's because it's always that tone she gets. Always so bitter and hard. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel so useless at Sarah House, unsure of how to reach out to these older, sick people, who don't want to talk. Especially since Margaret's attitude is so much more fake and I can't be that. Or maybe it's because I'm doing the whole self pity thing. Or it could be because everyone else in this home seems to have wonderful relationships with their families, who send them random gift bags and postcards just cause. I just think that it's crazy that God provided this home for me, this place full of love and people who care. If I didn't have this right now, I'd be the loneliest girl on the planet. My parents have just let go. Which is what I wanted. But I want them to be involved. I want them to be happy to talk to me. I don't want to always have to be the one that calls, that puts on a fake happy voice when I can tell there's resistance. I just need to keep praying and praying and praying. I can't let these thoughts take over me. I can't think of how it's going to be when I go home. When I'll be thinking of how uncomfortable I am, how they'll think I'm pushing away, that I'm the one that wants to be with people that are Christian. If it weren't for these girls, showing me His love right now, where would I even be? I'd be clinging to my parents who don't give a shit about me. Or maybe they'd be babying me and I'd have absolutely no real sense of truth. I don't know. I don't know what I need right now. I just want to sit and cry and not move and take my hair down and cry and sing maybe and then just wake up to tomorrow, so that I'm one step closer to the weekend. Why am I dreading tonight so much? Why do I feel so insufficient? I know what I have to do, the person I'm supposed to be and right now it's just a little hard to swallow? No, it shouldn't be that way. Get out of this. Now.