Instead of starting off by giving some sorry excuse for why I haven't posted anything, I'll just save it. I'll just write. The recap will come naturally.
I have 10 days left before I'm officially done with my undergraduate career. I mean, technically, I have another class to take for 6 weeks in June. But that's just one class. I'll already have walked with the rest of my graduating class. I can't believe it. 4 years. I remember just starting college thinking, wow, I cannot believe I'm going to a junior college, I've let myself down. And now, I'm graduating from a 4 year university. On time. I didn't let myself down. I think that's what I was worried about. That I'd turn into everyone else. I really don't know anyone else who started off at a junior college in Orange County and graduated on time. (I guess this is just me shamelessly giving props to myself?) The thing is, a sociology degree isn't going to get me far. But man, was it great. I LOVED all my classes. Deviant Behavior, Global Conflicts, Sex Love and God, Social Change in Latin America, Mead's Pragmatism, Studying People, Sociology of Family, Revolutions and Social Movements in Latin America. I've had a strange emphasis on Latin America. One day, I'll figure out why that is. I'm seriously going to miss the material I learned in all those classes. For my Global Conflicts midterm, I had to come up with a resolution to Israel and Palestine. That was the best assignment I've ever had. In Studying People, I had the chance to people watch at my favorite coffee shop, that I practically lived at. I mean, it's been work. But it's been so enjoyable at the same time.
And my house. Oh, my house. How homey it truly feels. I will definitely miss that big, big house with all my housemates and all the love they poured out onto me. Always. Now if only I could find a subleaser for the summer. That'd be GREAT. But really, I can't believe I survived living with 10 girls. For almost 10 months. Wow. I mean, I know I've spent a lot of weekends away. Maybe that's what saved me. But it was so good for me, regardless. It was so, so good for me. I'll miss that.
Finding out my mom has cancer again was a low blow. I never, ever, ever thought that would happen. Again. In her liver. And bones. She's too weak for it. Her spirit is strong, her mind is strong. Her body, I just don't know. She's 55 turning 56 in July. She's the strongest person I've ever met. Over any man or woman. She truly is a tough, tough person. I just, there's something really heartbreaking about this. It's like we all know that she's much older now and no one will ever say it out loud. Not one of my family members will want to think anything bad. We can't. My dad won't let us. We have to be positive, at all costs. For her minds sake. He's doing a great job. No longer does he resent her like he did. When he'd be bitter towards her for her unreasonable facebook addiction. It's not like that anymore. Maaneli thinks he's really scared this time. I think we all are. She's taking darvocet for her back pain. And she's looooving it. She knows she's addicted. We talked about it. It was kind of a joke. I asked her, what about when she gets immune to it? She knows what will happen. She talked about weed. I cannot even believe that's something she and my dad are seriously considering. Last time, that wasn't at all an idea. She hated taking oxycontin for pete's sake. I've come home this weekend to spend time with her. I know I'm moving home for good in 10 days, but it doesn't matter. Last night, I laid in bed with her as she was falling asleep. I just listened to her breathe. She grabbed my wrist and just held it there. She was so peaceful. Then she started snoring and I laughed. I left her alone. When I got into my own bed, I just broke down in tears. I haven't cried for her since I first found out. She still has her hair. I think when that changes, when she starts feeling the effects of the chemo or cucumber, as she calls it, that's when it'll feel more real. To all of us.
When I was at Real Life two weeks ago, the minister Brit spoke. He spoke of his daughters cancer. And how he had to tell God that no matter what, he understood that his love for God was more than his love for his daughters. That sometimes, God allows for these things to happen to test us so that we can show Him that he's more important. I found it really ironic that I was there, listening to that. I hadn't been in church in months. I'm not sure if I'm ready for something that heavy. I know it's not up to me to think I'm ready or not. If He thinks I'm ready, I must be. I just can't understand right now. I don't think I'm spiritually strong enough. I really have no idea.
All I know is that when I started college, I had just found out my mom was sick. Now, as I'm ending college, it's the same. I'm so glad to be able to be here for her. If I had gone away sooner or later, who knows what could have happened.
Regardless, this is only just the beginning of it all. I know there are great things ahead. Nyrie blesses me always. My relationships with Maaneli and Mandana have matured exponentially and they're my greatest, best friends. Lilo is still, sweet sweet Lilo. I might have a job when I get home. Hot yoga. All things Mike. I get to play around in my room and make it mine again. I'll be a college graduate. The world will be at my front door.
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